Did I "settle" - do you think?

Question

A recent question on here just inspired me to ask this. My husband and I were friends before we dated. We knew each other and each other's friends. It was 'safe' love from the start. It wasn't a whirlwind romance. He treated me well. But I always knew he wasn't as confident as me, or as ambitious. At the time I thought I didn't care and I loved him and I still do. But now I wonder what it would have been like to find someone who is ambitious like me and who does take risks and not get down on himself. A real 'man's man' (hubby is not your typical burly handyman) who knows how to fix things and is strong physically and emotionally. To take the risk and maybe get hurt again by this type of guy. I had been dating a strong, hardworking trade type of guy and had my heart pierced when I learnt he was cheating on his gf/wife (had a child) and using me for s*x on the side. I dated another between him and hubby but I still think I was drawn to hubby because he wanted me so much and appeared safe. I could have looked for another stronger type. Even now when I see a guy in steel capped work boots and work clothes I feel attracted (would never ever act on it though). But instead I stayed with the guy who loved me and I loved - and I still do. We have kids and he's great with them. But I want a stronger husband who makes decisions - he has trouble with decisions and gets down on himself for it.

Now I am stuck with all his problems - is this just a case of 'grass greener'? Or did I settle for less?

Answer 1

So he's not perfect...and he downs himself? For real? Look at what you just wrote about him! If you treat him like anything you just wrote, you MAY be part of the problem. A wife not having confidence in her husband is a real ego and confidence deflater (just so u know - been there done that). I don't think you settled - that's not the definition for settling anyway. Just because he's not perfect (and no man will ever be - a hint at that grass is greener syndrome) doesn't mean you settled - it means you married the man you loved (in my book that's not settling). Learn to love him for who he is and for pete's sakes, stop downing the guy and maybe he'll stop downing himself.

Answer 2

Like you said, you loved him and at that time you didn't care.    Many of us would have picked different,  had we known what was ahead.  You can only  do your best with what you know.

Answer 3

your the type of girl who i want to bend over my work truck.while your husband sits at home cooking dinner

Answer 4

Green  grasser situation.  Just think of it this way.  You can be as ambitious as you want in your situation.  If you were married to a stong guy he would be bossing you around and telling you what to do.  Stop crying your husband is holding you back... just go do what you want to do and tell hubby what he needs to do.

Answer 5

I think it is grass greener, you say your husband is safe. What about the women who want a man that is safe? Sometimes I know that we woman just want a dangerous fun time with the classic bad boy. Talk to your husband about this and let him no that you all "together" need to do something that is risky. Like just go on a trip, to change the scenery and add some spice to you Allis relationship.  

Answer 6

nobody is perfect, you're being obnoxious and spoil.

Answer 7

Hollie, this is a GREAT question and certainly struck a chord with me.

I am going to suggest that you make a list of everything that you love about your husband - it may take a few days to do this.  Focus on that list.  There will ALWAYS be guys that are better looking, guys that are better lovers, guys that are better dads, guys that are better providers and guys that are better handymen.  The guy you have as your husband is for YOU, he is what you need, you have already discovered that to love him is a decision you made, not a 'feeling' you had.  

I would say that in most marriages one of the couple is an ambitious decision maker (the other prefers to keep their options open) or one of the couple is chatty and energized by people while the other is quiet and prefers 'alone' time.  Is either right or wrong?  No, it is a preference.

Having said that, if you would REALLY like your sweetie to dress like a construction worker and pick you up in a bar of a far away city that you have gone to for a weekend away from the kids, why not ask him if he would do that?  You are old enough, and have likely been married long enough and he might surprise you!!

It is a HUGE comfort for a man to know that the woman he married truly loves him, and only him, and wants to be with him.  It's pretty comfortable for the woman too, but every once in a while you can shake things up a bit to get the embers glowing again - fan the flame.

If you still decide that you want some adventure with another man, know this for certain - you will pay a VERY heavy price and you will ALL be victims at worst and survivors at best.  That is no way to live.

Check the link below for some information on personality preferences, you may find it very interesting and it will give you and your sweetie some more helpful information.

Answer 8

You picked him for a reason and it surely wasn't because he was a hard working fix it man.  Find out what you loved about this guy in the first place and remember it.

Answer 9

Only you can decide if you settled. But relationships where both people are very much alike often don't work because neither person has someone to balance them out. It sounds like you have that with your husband and I know a lot of people who would envy you.

Answer 10

Based on your writing the grass is definitely greener. Trust me, no matter how appealing others appears, there are always issues. Everyone has them. If you're in a relationship that is good & Not bad but yet you wonder sometimes? Consider yourself lucky that you have at least a "good" relationship because the grass is always greener :)

Answer 11

In some sense, we all settled - because no one is perfect, no one can meet all of our "requirements". You say you love him - why? What made you fall in love besides the fact he was safe? (And that's not a bad thing, either!) If you focus on his strengths & not his weaknesses you'll both be a lot happier. The grass is greener syndrome strikes most of us at one point - but if you go searching for greener grass, someone else might end up mowing your lawn & you might then be even more unhappy than now. Water & fertilize your own grass - you'll be surprised what a little attention can do for any lawn - or marriage! Good luck!

Answer 12

so many of us women are attracted to the same type you are.  so many of us are also attracted to the"bad boys", but they always hurt us.  i hear you saying you do have a good husband that you love and loves you.  your husband's strengths probably are in different areas. all of us have our strengths and weaknesses. you are not stuck.  you have the option to do whatever you choose.   you was attracted to your husband for some reason.  i do not think that you settled either.  it is more of the grass is greener syndrome.  since i don't know you and i don't know more than you wrote, it is hard to say things for sure.

i ask you, are you happy?  it is normal to feel attractions to other men.

if you did carry it through and you got your steel capped boots man, you would eventually miss your husband terribly. and he may not want you back.  if you told me you were abused,beaten, controlled, etc, i would say leave. if  having a husband that admittedly has trouble making decisions is your main complaint, feel blessed and so lucky to have him.  admitting something is the first step is  wanting to do something about it.  are you depressed, sad, or miserable?  are you feeling that you are bored and want the challenge of a more exciting, but perhaps dangerous man?  i know what you are talking about. it feels thrilling..but later so much pain.  so many of us have had that.

i think you have a good enough marriage to stay with it.  but,only you know the answers to the rhetorical questions i have asked you.

is it your age?  are you between 35 and 45?  or much younger.

is it hormones?  the best way for someone we love to change, is to completely accept them as they are.  then, almost magically they transform.  a different man may not be the answer, but having the  same one that will grow over time into what you want is. i have noticed a lot of the answers on yahoo that tells the person what they

want to hear is the most popular answer.  i sincerely want to tell you something that will help you. if you are miserably unhappy, then that is different. what you said more than once was i love my husband and he loves me and is great with the kids. best wishes.

Answer 13

He was a safe choice and you liked him a lot. I don't think you loved him and probably you settled if you have these thoughts.