Did he take advantage..it's kinda long but I really need some help with objectivity?

Question

My ex and I (together 2 years) had an argument one night which led to our break up. We had our first fight in December when he found out I was chatting online with another guy. I lied about it at first because I didn't want to hurt him as it was just an online thing besides the online guy was 2 states away. I told my ex I would cut communication - to keep the peace. My ex forgave me and I did cut communication for a while but then I just really felt I shouldn't have had to do that. So I restarted my online chats with him...my ex didn't know it - I just didn't wanna have to go through that again. Anyway, we had a completely different fight in May where he bought up the incident in December and he asked me to leave so I did. I loved him so much and I really wanted it to work but I knew he wasn't really over finding out I was chatting with someone online. I needed a break from everything and everyone in my life at that moment and went to live with family in another state (the same state the online guy lives in). We eventually meet up, our cities not being that far from each other. We had been seeing each other for about two weeks when he proposes (my ex and I broke up May 31, the online guy proposes June 17). My ex was devastated when he found out (don't know how he found out) and even more hurt when he found out who it was I was engaged to. But when my ex asked me why I accepted the proposal, I said I didn't know, because I really don't. It's been three months now and eventhough I am engaged (not even sure if we are still going to go through with it) to someone else my ex is still right there - any other guy would have hightailed it and never looked back. He texts me, e-mails me, wrote a poem for me two years ago that he never gave me until all this. He even asked me to have dinner with him when I come back to visit the family I left there in about two weeks. I told him I would. I don't know what to do or think. A friend, who is NOT objective at all, tells me the online guy MAY have taken advantage of me by proposing 2 weeks after my breakup. That even if I wasn't vulnerable, hurt and confused he should have assumed I was and gave me some time to heal. Is she right? Did he take advantage?

Answer 1

You don't give enough details about the "on-line guy" but it doesn't seem to me that he took advantage in the predatory sense.  I think it was premature of him to propose marriage so quickly and that points to certain weaknesses in his personality.  It was also immature and premature of you to begin dating and accept a proposal so quickly and from a man you hadn't really known for very long.  

People on-line can be very different than in real life.   You continue to behave immaturely by continuing to see your ex after having accepted a proposal from someone else.  You are very confused and you will never know what is the right direction to take unless you take a long break from both of them and see a therapist who will help you look at the deeper issues within you.

I think that if you pursue a relationship with any of these men right now you are destined for failure.  I know I'm not saying anything pretty, but experience has taught me a lot.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Well, I believe the guy is an "opportunist", which, i guess is another way of saying that he did in fact take advantage.  But you are sort of getting what you deserve right now, considering how you lied to someone who loved you and trusted  you to not continue the online chatting with another guy.  Regardles of what you may think, it was "cheating".  And it hurt someone.   make amends before it comes back to haunt you later on  in your personal life.   Good luck.

Answer 3

wow, what a head f**k. if you don't wanna marry the man you're engaged to tell him now and end it. It's not fair on him or you, men are never that good at knowing whats going on in a woman's head (no offence men but ya not and that's why we love ya) so he may not know that you needed time.

the guy you we're originally with is being very sweet to you now, but do you love him and whys he had a sudden change of heart?

only you can help you. and you need to make sure you let both men involved know whats going on cos the truth is gonna come out sooner or later and it'll bite you in the ***

Answer 4

I wouldn't describe it as "taking advantage" as I don't think that was his intent, but the timing (only 2 weeks after ending another serious relationship) was inappropriate and poorly thought out...  

Answer 5

I don't think your on line guy took advantage of you, he is responding to your actions and you have made yourself available to him while married to another man.

You are the only one accountable and responsible for your actions. You state that you loved your husband but your actions are not loving even after he forgave you, you cheated on him again, that is very deceptive and cruel.  Your husband is the only one that is extending unconditional love to you and devoted to your marriage.  You are a very lucky woman and yet what I hear is you are sulking like a victim, when "you are not a victim".  You have challenged the love of your husband and you enjoy playing with his love, honor and devotion.  If this were a court case and I was on the jury, I would vote that you be punished for your careless and deceptive behavior,  The sad facts are your husband is attempting to forgive you again and you have not learned or matured as a women or a wife.  This post really upsets me.  I've known your type both male and female, you are selfish, self centered, deceptive and you sit and feel sorry for yourself without regard for others and will never be accountable for your own selfish behavior, you lack integrity and worse have no moral standards.   I don't even know you yet I am ashamed of what you represent in our society.

Feel yourself lucky that your husband would forgive you, I wouldn't and couldn't be humiliated the way that you have shamed and tormented your husband.

Answer 6

Did he take advantage...?  Hmmmm.  

That would depend on his character.  He may be naive enough to have just interpretted your signals as you being open to a proposal.  Or he could be calculating enough to have known this was the best time to get you to accept.  You know him better than us.

However, my observation of your story is that you may want to pay more attention to your role in all of this.  Sounds to me like you haven't been sure of who you wanted in the first place.  

You broke up a relationship of 2 yrs. because you couldn't walk away from an internet "affair".  (As innocent as it may have been, the outcome to date shows it wasn't as innocent as you may have believed back then.)  You jumped into an engagement after only having been broken up from the first guy for a short time.  (Rebound action on your part....  Bad idea by the way.)  And you are doubting that choice now that the X seems to want you back (which may be in part only because he sees you with someone else and is jealous).  Lastly, you are allowing the opinion of a friend lead you to doubt the second guy's sincerity and honesty....  Most likely to find an excuse to break up with him and go back to the X without feeling guilty.

All of this because of one simple problem....  You don't seem to appreciate what each relationship offered enough to honor the rules and boundaries of that relationship.

Let me ask this....  Do you know whether you want Guy A or Guy B?  Which relationship offers you more happiness and contentment?  

Be true to yourself and make a choice.  

Answer those questions for yourself and you'll know what to do.  Accept that someone is gonna get hurt at this point.  The X or the fiance.  But it isn't fair to either guy (or yourself) to keep bouncing back and forth.

Good luck.