Did i do the right thing with my daughter?

Question

for several years my husband and i have tried to change our daughters habits. she is now 22 and works, but no schooling beyond high school. she is lazy, messy and stays out until at least 3 am most nights and sleeps until 12 or 1 pm almost every day. one month ago we sat her down and had a talk to discuss the consequences of her actions. she promised to be better, to be home by 2am, (those are our rules), and to help out with house work and get back in school. she lived here rent free, mind you. well, yesterday she and i argued when i came home and found her on the couch with her boufriend and nothing done at 2pm, not even fed the dog all day. she told me she was "having a bad" day and i should leave her alone and fu-- off!

last night we changed the locks when she was out and when she came strolling in at 2am, she could not get in so she banged hard. i opened the door and she stormed past me and said i'm fuc---- out of here you *****! you want to make a big deal out of nothing thats fine, i will never speak to either of you again and she left. i am so heart broken and scared. but my husband says, fine let her go. i think it is for the best too. what do you all think?

Answer 1

WOW, I'm impressed.  You did the right thing.  I know it was tough, but the right thing.

She'll come to her senses one day.  Ours did and now we have a wonderful relationship.

Answer 2

It is way past time for her to go...  and in the future, never let a child of your speak to you like that!!!  22...32..42.. it doesn't matter, you are the parent and as such, you must not let your child disrespect you like that!

Answer 3

let her go.  she put it on herself.  if she didn't listen to you oh well. tough love kick her out.

Answer 4

God i think its definately for the best. She's 22 years old she should act like it. If she works and is happy (with her job and boyfriend ect) then there isn't any reason for her to continue with schooling unless she wants to. If i were you, I would have made her move out  a long time ago, or at least made her pay rent when she was working and contribute to your household if she's living there. Good on you!!!

Answer 5

SOunds like you are a very loving and caring mother who raised her daughter in an healthy environment.  At the moment your daughter needs to go soul searching, find inner self.  Unfortunately you must let her go, but time to time just let her know you are there and you love her.  All you can do now is hope for the best, all more morals and principles are somewhere locked into her brain.  Good thing she has a job and has self respect.  I think she will come round, but on her terms, not yours.  If you are concerned she maybe taking drugs.  The first clue is her eyes.  Her pupils don't change to the light, they stay the same size.  Good luck!!

Answer 6

As you have said she is 22 so she is not young anymore.  She knows what she is doing.  Sometimes even it will hurt you but still you have to let her go and learn from herself.  I understand you are a mother and as a mother you  truly love you daughter but as you said no matter how hard you try to help her she won't listen. Time will come then she will comeback and ask for forgiveness all I ask from you is that you should open your heart for forgiving her because no matter what happen she is your daughter and nobody can ever change that. Pray to our dear Lord that your daughter will be safe and away of any illegal matters. I ask you to open your heart and never closed your door when the time your daughter knock on your door. Communicate with your husband and try to do something that will benefit your family.

Answer 7

i think she sounds depressed. she needs focus in her life. My mum kicked me out and it did make me appriciate the things she did for me but i wouldnt follow in her actions with my own daughter. keep on trying. Dont give up!

Answer 8

I think it's time you let her stand on her own two feet. She has to learn responsibility, a concept you have not let her learn by herself. If you enable her to live comfortably, without the responsibilities of every day life, why should she change? When she doesn't pick up after herself, do you do it for her? When she doesn't feed the dog, do you do it? She has been "carried". It's obvious because she's still living at home, (until recently when she stormed out) and hasn't had to fend for herself. It's time you put your foot down and LEAVE it down. Don't let her move back in. Allow her to grow up. She will have no respect for herself unless she can learn to stand on her own. Be at peace about her being gone. You're right. It's certainly best for you to let go.

Answer 9

why did you change the locks when she was out?  i'm not against kicking someone out if they don't follow the rules, but that's a messed up way to do it.  you need to be up front with someone.  tell them what the rules are, and what the consequences will be if they don't follow the rules.  doing it while she was out was just plain cowardly...you were afraid to stand up to her to her face.  if you wanted to do something like that, you could at least have the locksmith come by while she was at home and discussed why with her before they got there.  you might want to apologize for the way you did it, but not for what you actually did.

try to stay in touch with her, but keep enforcing your rules/boundaries, if she's staying there, visiting, or just on the phone.  always keep your voice respectful, but always be firm in saying no too.  you can always call the police to remove her from the premises too, but you should make it clear what your boundaries are and what the consequences will be beforehand.  

you should also charge her rent if she's staying there, not for the money, but to help her be responsible and motivated to better herself.

Answer 10

I'll start out by saying that your daughter has got control over your emotions. That's not good, Once your child has this ability he/she can basically get away with anything. Even if you are hurting inside and feel like crying DONT do it in front of them. Show a strong character or else they will walk all over you, like your daughter is doing now. She seriously needs to understand that that is YOUR house and YOU set the rules, not her or anyone else but YOU. If she doesn't like it tell her to get out (even though it hurts you). Honestly she has it too good in your house, and if she ever decides to get out she will return in NO time.

This is coming from a a 20 year old who lives with her parents. I moved out when i was 19 because they were too strict and i had to be home by 11pm, etc. I didn't make it out side. I'm now back home and i pay $300 for rent (i decided to help out since i have a decent job). I still have rules to follow, like the chores, and being home by 1am. But i don't complain, RULES keep my life under control. And my mom and step dad's Strong character has helped obey them. Thanks to them i am who i am now.

Good luck, and put her in her place (FOR HER OWN GOOD) if you love her.

Answer 11

I THINK THAT KICKING HER OUT  HAS ITS ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES... I WAS BEST FRIENDS WITH A GIRL IN HIGH SCHOOL , WHOS PARENTS DID THE SAME THING TO HER, AND SHE SWORE SHE WOULD NEVER GO BACK HOME. SHE BECAME A PROSTITUE, AND STILL WONT GO BACK HOME. SHE HASNT TALKED TO HER PARENTS IN OVER 4 YEARS EITHER. BUT THE ADVANTAGE CAN BE MAYBE SHE WILL SEE HER WAYS, AND COME HOME TO FIX THINGS. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 12

Sorry mam, but personally i believe let her go because now she is mature and she knows what is right and wrong for her. She would always be your daughter and one day when she become mom then she will realiza that she had not done right with her own parent in the past. Time teach lesson to everyone. She'll also be back to you one day. I'll pray to God that she come back bery soon and has some changes in her behaviour with her parents.

Actually nowaday problem is that parents give every permission to kids since their childhood and they always get their desire extended. That is same going on with your daughter. Now she has her boyfriend and she want to enjoy her life with him, but how long will she do it. One day when her boyfriend leave her then she will back on her ways and will understand that her parents was always thinking for her well being.

Answer 13

Personally, I think it needed to be done. Your daughter was giving you broken promises anyhow. She was not going to follow through. Why when you are paying for everything and doing everything. Hopefully, she will wake up to how nice she had it. Especially once she is in the real world for a bit.

Answer 14

she will be back I have seen this happen you have to give her tough love and make her fend for herself you are doing her no favors by letting her back in and starting her old lazy habits and she will speak to you again she is like a lost puppy out there and nobody is going to put up with her habits for long and if they do I feel sorry for them I have been in your shoes she was 17 almost eighteen and I got tired of it today she is a married mom of four and doing great email me to vent whenever you feel the need to and pray to god he was the only one who kept me sane while we were raising three teenage kids and its natural to worry about her you love her but dont give in to her

Answer 15

Yes-let her go-she is 22 years old and needs to be independant. She may be estranged for awhile but that will be good for her. Make it clear that she is welcome to visit with you as long as she respects your space and acts like a civilised human being. She does not want to be controlled by you, so you may as well enjoy your empty nest and have a honeymoon with your husband.

Answer 16

You were not wrong at all!

I would never say the things that she said to you to my Mother. I am very sorry.....

I think that you were right to change the locks. I think by allowing her to stay rent free, to be lazy and have little to no responsibility has made her think that it is ok. I am sure that some time in the "real world" will show her that having things that easy are not reality. I think that "Dad" is right and you should stick to your guns!

Hopefully, things will be hard for her which will make her think about what she wants to do with her life. When she comes back to you (which she will), just be understanding and give her unconditional love as a mother would. You also need to put your foot down and lay some ground rules. I have great respect for my parents because they set boundaries that I wouldn't dare cross...even now as an adult out of respect.

I wish you luck and I truly hope that she comes around.

Perhaps you can help her to turn one of her passions into a career.

Answer 17

All her life she has lived with her parents. Her perception of what is easy and what is hard has derived from living in your household and most of us know as adults that things are much harder when we are on our own. I'll be willing to bet she'll have a hard time figuring out  how to do those things you have tried to get her to do and all those necessary things you and your husband did that is important to keeping your house running smoothly. Your husband is right in what he says. Nothing will ever change if she doesn't get a taste of reality( she sounds too spoiled at 22) soon she will get more and more set in her thinking. By all means if  she returns home that you put you foot down and tell her that as long as shes there at any age she is in your home. It may be tough love but it's still love.

Answer 18

Let her go, it is tough love.  DO not let her back in either.  She has taken advantage of you for to long.  It is partially your fault. Probably all her life you gave her whatever she wanted so now you are both learning a hard lesson.

Answer 19

Yes, you did do the right thing. She's 22 years old and she needs to get a life. She needs to pay for her own consequences. She needs to explore the world and find herself as well as find out for herself what life is really all about. Rent free and works? I mean come on, she needs to get out, get a house or a flat for herself and see exactly how far money actually goes and realise she's an adult, not a kid any more. I left home at 16, it was the best thing I ever could of done because I grew up and became adult before my time. I learnt about the honest dollar and how to budget etc.

Your husband is probably just over the fact that she's mooching off you. It's wrong for anyone to mooch and nothing annoys me more than someone who is willing to spend their money on themselves, but yet they can live somewhere rent free and give nothing towards anything else. Mums I guess see it in a different light, they worry because it's their child and where are they going what are they going to do.

Sit back, relax and think of free time and extra money you will now have.

Good Luck!

Answer 20

She is 22, time for the woman to grow up. And umm question, did she have responsibilities while growing up? She seems babied to me.  

Answer 21

probably

Answer 22

You did the right thing.

You guys tried to support her and help her get her life back on track and she wasn't having any of it.

After a period of learning how hard life is on your own she's really going to regret the good life she had before. Give her a little time to cool off.

Don't give her money and don't let her come back unless she is working full time and enrolled in some kind of schooling.

Answer 23

Listen>>> YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   You guys are ALLOWING her to RUN YOUR house. Did you read what I wrote. YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!!!  Not her house. Shes 22 and sleeps all day and doesn't get up until 2??  She doesn't do anything around the house?? Whats wrong with this picture. She left on her own terms. You didn't throw her out. The girl is not a kid anymore. STOP TREATING HER LIKE ONE!!!!! Shes not paying rent because you guys AREN'T FORCING HER TO!!!!!!!!!  Let her go and see what it's like to live on her own. BUT if she comes sniffeling back to your house (and she will ) YOU GUYS MUST ENFORCE SOME RULES THERE!!!!!!!  And be CONSISTENT!!!!  you can't set rules, then not enforce them!! If she comes back write a list of what you expect from her when shes living there. like for instance

1)  SHE WILL PAY RENT

2) SHE WILL BE IN AT A CERTAIN TIME so you guys don't worry

3 ) SHE WILL HAVE CHORES TO DO IN THE HOUSE

4 ) SHE WILL NO LONGER TALK TO YOU IN HER VULGAR LANGUAGE

5 ) SHE WILL PAY HER OWN BILLS THAT SHE HAS     because I'm certain you guys are doing that too. I mean paying HER bills.

If she wants to be treated as an adult then she has to start BEING an adult!!!!!

You guys HAVE to STOP allowing her to RUN YOUR HOUSE!!! This IS you and your husbands fault. You know it like I know it. If she doesn't want to follow the rules you give her, tell her to go find her own place. Then she can live any way she chooses to live.  SHES 22 YEARS OLD MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    Let her go!!!  Remember what I said.

BE CONSISTENT with your rules. You can't back down when things seem to be going ok. You HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If you guys aren't consistent, your going to find yourself dealing with this c**p over and over again. Teach her some respect. Don't worry about her being gone. Believe me, shes fine I'm sure. Shes 22 years old. She can take care of herself if shes taught too. GOOD LUCK!!!!  

Answer 24

I think that you should have told her what to do and then threaten to kick her out if she doesn't follow your rules. Yes, she needs to be kicked out of your house but not in the way you kicked her out. Couldn't you at least told her what you were doing before you just went and changed the locks. Oh well, this will only force her to improve her life. And of course she is so mean all the time, she never gets enough sleep and you can't feel like you have slept waking up past noon. I think that you were to lenient on your two o'clock curfew. She needs to understand if it is your house it is your rules.