Did you bond after adoption reunion?

Question

Last yr I was reunited with a adult child given up at birth for adoption, I waited so long and now I feel different, it doesn't seem like the adoption took place, he's a stranger, I'm not disappointed with him he's a very sucessful business man kind and loving toward me, but after a yr I still don't feel bonded to him. However the siblings do feel bonded. Is something wrong with me?

Answer 1

You are not alone. I reunited with my adult birth daughter in 2001. She was almost 30. I do not love her the same way that I love my son, whom I raised nor do I feel the same about her children as I do about my son's daughter. After we reunited, she told us that we were not her parents and her kids were not our grandkids but she wanted us to be part of her life. We are happy with that, I do love her but even though I carried her for 9 months, I am not bonded to her. I do love her, but it's different than the love I feel for my son. She loves us but it is not the same way she loves her parents and that's the way it should be. We are all glad we were able to reunite, it helped fill a huge hole in everyone's life.

Answer 2

I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all.  I haven't 'bonded' with my birth mom, but I am very happy that I know her and feel more complete having her in my life...which is really important to me.

Because I didn't grow up with her, I think it would be strange to expect an instant deep bond.  But that doesn't mean it isn't worth pursuing a relationship that can still be very meaningful and healing for everyone.

Answer 3

We each react to these experiences differently.  There's nothing wrong with you.  

I did bond with my first mother after we met in person.  At least, I feel bonded to her.  I believe she feels the same.  But at the beginning, I was very hesitant to open up to her.  Even though I had searched, I wasn't sure how I felt about her or the whole situation.

It seems to have sorted itself out now, but we still have bumps.  And I'm fairly new to the reunion process.  From what I've heard from others and read on my own, there are lots of ups and downs to be expected in the reunion process.  Don't push yourself, and don't expect too much from yourself.  You may feel differently a year from now.  And you may not.

Since adoption creates such grief and loss, I don't know if there is a "normal" response to being reunited.  Just be true to yourself and your own feelings.  And if your children feel bonded to one another, that's good for them.  The more pressure you put on yourself, the more you will have conflicts with him.  

Have you talked to him about this?  

Good luck!

Answer 4

There's nothing wrong with you.  We all have our own reactions and emotional responses to reunion.  

It's a difficult relationship to define--it's not really mother/son, it's not just a friendship.  You may never have a strong bond, but that's OK.  

I recommend connecting with PACER, a group for post-adoption members.  You might also want to go to one of their support groups to talk about these feelings; you won't be alone.

http://pacer-adoption.org/

Answer 5

I have to say in my case no. I met her and we corresponed for awhile, but there was still alot of anger on my end. So, i couldn't bond with her. It may take some time for your guys to define your relantionship. I know i was too late, because my birth mom died. So, i wasted alot of time being angry with her.