Did you know the first man on the moon was actually British?

Question

Sir Rupert Goggleplop Smithe (British) landed on the moon a full 10 years before the astronaut / saxophone player Louis Armstrong. The mission was such a success that Britain had to keep it under wraps incase it completely undermined the USA and Russia's self esteem. The American's didn't even put the second man on the moon as a mission the following year sent Sir Rupert’s 8 year old son Walter there to retrieve his fathers brolly which he had left behind.

Answer 1

Indeed old chap.  Such a shining example of what we Brits have to be proud of!  We know the Brits arrived on the moon first because Googleplop's co-pilot and flight engineer formed an orderly queue behind him as he erected his pole.  Similarly, the satellite image clearly shows crooked smiles, rather than the later straight white-teethed version of Armstrong and company.  Googleplop's footprints were no doubt a shock to the astronaut / saxophone player, and I believe he penned the song "All the time in the world" as a cathartic exercise in irony, to alleviate his disappointment.  

Thank you for putting the world straight on this one Rotter.  And for making me guffaw.

Answer 2

That's a pretty cheesy theory, milord. Everyone who's anyone knows that Sir Rupert rained supreme on the lunar landscape for the full decade, with or without protection from the elements. It was only the ghastly tootling of that horn-player that sent him scuttling for sanctuary on Saturn, where he was infinitey more comfortable surrounded by the gaseous rings, because everyone knows the leisured class have Intimacy Issues, and d**n proud of it. Ta ever so.

Answer 3

By jove, sir, tell me what wonderful concoction you have loaded into that magnificent stogie, so that I can partake of such a powerful hallucinogen!!

Answer 4

by jove, i do say !nice one you rotter"

guffaw guffaw

spiffing

Answer 5

Yes I am aware of that fact, and that he took his dog along on the trip (his name was Winston) together with some Barking Toads.

Of course, being British we did not want to make a fuss and steal the Americans moment of glory, so we let them (and the German rocket engineers) take the credit eventually for the British invention, of the rocket.

(The Rainhill Trials of 1829 were organised by the British secret service to find future inventors to start the space race and the public's imagination was captured! Sadly none of the entries were capable of intergalactic Space_Travel which was no surprise (even the idea of travelling in space would have contravened contemporary religious philosophy regarding the heavens and therefore led to arrest for blasphemy)

The Rocket was invented by Sir Rupert's grandfather ,  Robert Louis Stephenson.

I wonder whether they have recovered Louis Armstrong's trumpet and flag which he left behind?

Full details of these IRREFUTABLE FACTS can be found at http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Stephenson'... for those Americans who prefer to believe in misinformation and conspiracy theories and those ridiculous stories of Alien abductions.

At last, now we have something interesting to answer, thanks old bean.

Answer 6

1865: The French had cooperated with the Americans so that 3 people (Barbicane, Ardan and Nicholl) could orbit the Moon.  Even though Nicholl was English (actually bent on preventing the trip), England did not contribute a coin to the effort.

(J.V.)

Since that day, we have decided to disregard any British attempt to walk on the Moon.  We will go as far as pretending that the brolly was made in a studio.

Answer 7

It's also a little-known fact that his young son Walter was accompanied by his 14-year-old sister, Gwendolyne Rose, who delayed lift-off from the moon in order to finish singing all 36 long verses of that lovely Victorian song, "There are Faeries at the Bottom of our Garden."

Answer 8

Tears of pride are streaming down my face AR. My chest is puffed out and the hairs on the back of my neck are bristling. In honour of this great achievement, I am now going to play Rule Britannia on my music box, drink copious amounts of Brandy and shoot something.

Answer 9

Darn you found out, guards arrest this men and drag him to the back of the hangar and have him transferred to Area 51

Answer 10

You fail to mention the British colony which to this day contunues to thrive on the Moon.

Complete with a village pub, tea and cakes in the vicarage garden, cricket on the green, and regular departures from Charing Cross, calling at Clapham Junction, and the Moon.

Answer 11

Haha.

I like you, and I'm sure in some parallel world, you are right.

Answer 12

Ahhh Father, he was also the first drunk man in the moon.

I drink port day and night in memory of him.

Answer 13

Ah yes, but Walter fell victim to the Selenites.  Which is why we didn't go again.  

We were hoping the d-----d yanks would also fall victim to them, but the little brat had a cold and wiped them out.

Answer 14

brolly!!!

Answer 15

I beg to differ chap.

The first man on the moon was a Stourbridge chap, he got there in 1907.

The old Spade and Shovel Works boiler blew.

They never found him, but he was certainly seen climbing very quickly skyward towards the moon.

It forms part and parcel of ''The History of Black Country Space Travel''.

Answer 16

Very nice.  Now get back under your bridge.  We'll call you if the three billy goats gruff come back.

Answer 17

As far as i know that's where then they discovered the mole-rat, formally known as the moon-rat, (the name was changed to help keep the secret.)

Btw i'm afraid it was tragic, the brolly was not retrieved, it was because of pressure or something.......

Answer 18

I thought the film crew from the Clangers were the fist on the moon, after the clangers themselves.

Answer 19

Still ticked off over losing the colonies, are ya? : )

Answer 20

wonderful!

thats just more thing I have to change in the American history books.

last week it was "the British are coming" I can't go into details, what a night that was!

Answer 21

Hehehe.  You daft wanker.  His name was spelt 'Smyth'.  And it wasn't his brolly he left behind but his rubbers (which he'd also brought along in case it was raining and he wanted to go outside and spark up ☺)

Doug

Answer 22

And they all sang and danced when he road his little red trolly down from the sky and shoutted  "Tippery Tippery Do".  We ate cakes and drank tea and toasted to the trolls living under the bridges.

Answer 23

This information was supposed to be a secret, do you realise that it is a major political hot potato? that apart, the only piece of info in your question being wrong, was him being British, he was not, he was English, not Scottish, or Irish, or god forbid, Welsh, pure English. Although the paternity of young Walter was, for some time, in doubt, it is still widely accepted that he was most certainly English. The recovery of his paters brolly was, in no uncertain terms, a master stroke of devil may care, stiff upper lip Englishness. It isn't widely known, but young Walter also gained by the age of 6 a double first at Cambridge and also his 25 yard swimming certificate. It makes one proud to be English.

Answer 24

No I didnt know that, thank-you for that info I can now move on with my life now that I know that the man was british. Haha Im kidding but seriously I really didnt know that I thought it was Americans?

Answer 25

so thats where the royal family came from!

Answer 26

Rats, so it's come out at last ... I just KNEW Jules Verne (our moon ship designer) couldn't be trusted to keep his mouth shut .. still I had hoped it had all been hushed up, specially after we convinced everyone it was only a game ..

OK, so see below for the full story ..

Answer 27

i'm sorry, but that's only technically correct. the first MAN on the moon was sir rupert, but he was headed there after his american mistress, cora hoffman, who had recently caught him enjoying a romantic tryst in his home with his own middle aged wife. naturally, miss hoffman was disgusted by this shocking sight and she fled to the home of her mother and three sisters on the moon. the women of the hoffman family had stayed on the moon for hundreds of years.

of course, they were women, so perhaps they don't count.

Answer 28

It took me a while to spot the flaw in your argument, but I think I've got it.

Lance Armstrong played the penny whistle, NOT the saxophone!