Did you know when you saw your adoptive daughter or son, they belonged with you?

Question

I keep hearing people say that when they first laid eyes on their adoptive child that they just knew that was their son/daughter. Does this happen all of the time? Our homestudy has just been approved and I was wondering...will I know when I see him?

Answer 1

I adopted four siblings. When I got their pictures, I thought they looked like someone else's children, not mine. When I met them, I thought they looked like someone else's children, not mine.

It became very important to me to meet their father in person and be sure that I had his blessing,  to find out what his wishes were in regard to how we would parent, and to do what I could to be sure we could stay in touch with him somehow.

Within a few weeks, they did feel like my children, but  I always think about their father, and wish our kids didn't have the trauma of all the changes they've had in their lives.  The children, for their part, have settled in like they've always lived here and  seem quite happy.

I would think that it would be easier to have that instant feeling if you adopt an infant.

Answer 2

We adopted from overseas and had exchanged pictures with our children as the legal process was being completed.  So, when we travelled to Liberia and came to their orphanage, both children recognized us from the pictures.  Our son came right up and hugged us.  Our daughter was in "school" but saw us across the room.  She pointed to us, then pointed to herself, like making sure that we were there for her.  When we nodded, to confirm that we were, she gave us a big smile and came over to hug us too!  Memory still makes me teary. *sniff*

Congratuiations on your homestudy approval.  That first moment is always a special one.

ETA: Oh, I don't know about that, Sunny.  The first time I met my husband, I knew he was something special and it wasn't long after that, that I knew he would be my husband.  We'll be celebrating our 14th anniversary next month.

Answer 3

No I didn’t.  Like another poster, our daughter was “special needs” and we had expected a healthy child, so, while she melted our hearts right away, it was a little adjustment in my expectations and image of my child.  It helped me to have lots of information and pictures while we were waiting to be her parents.  Pictures and information while we waited did start to build a feeling of intimacy.    



I think many adoptive parents think they are SUPPOSED to feel that magical “He/she was mine the first time I held him/her” moment.  For me anyway, it wasn’t like that.  It was exciting, emotional, and I had I guess what I would call an “infatuation” feeling for her, but mostly it was SCARY for all of us.  I had this baby in my arms whom I had never met before whom I was suddenly totally responsible for.  I didn’t know exactly how extensive her medical needs were going to be.  And I was a clueless new mother.  Scary!  She, of course, was having her life turned completely upside down, had no idea who we were, and was terrified.   In our first meeting pictures, she has this confused/scared look, and she is looking at her foster mother as if asking “What is going on?  Who are these people?”   We did not “belong” to each other yet.  I understand what the poster was feeling who talked about meeting her child’s first father.  We met our daughter’s first parents.  It was a wonderful experience but also so sad to see your precious child lose what they so visibly “belong” to.  So, seeing the ways in which she already “belonged” to other people and places didn’t foster an instant feeling that she belonged to us.



Wow, my post sounds so glum so far, as if I don’t believe my daughter is really mine, which she so totally is now.  The feeling that you and your child REALLY belong together comes with time and attachment.  I always worry about people who talk about it like a love at first sight kind of thing, or that they were in love with a picture even before they met their child.  I guess I can’t say it isn’t true if someone is saying it happened to them, but I think real attachment takes time.  God, it feels such a lifetime ago from those first unsure, scared feelings I had when first meeting my daughter to the fierce love of a kind I’ve never felt for anyone else that I feel now.



I think it is best to expect it to take time, and don’t feel as if something is wrong with you.  That is harder said than done, even if you know intellectually that it will take time.  It is something I will be much more prepared for with our next child.

Answer 4

I imagine it's like a puppy.

You want it when you see it. There's no fate involved, you just think that puppy/child is cute and fits your requirements behavior-wise.

But don't forget that you're the parent and you're responsible. Don't just go and expect to be handed the perfect child. You can seriously **** up your family by adopting the wrong child. For example, if you have a young daughter and you adopt a teenage boy, there's a significant chance your daughter will be molested.

Think about what you're doing, don't just wait for "fate" or something just as ridiculous to make your decision for you. You're the parent, own up to the responsibility.

Answer 5

Congratulations!  

My son became mine through an international adoption.  

I was "top on the list" for a baby girl referral when after two dreams that I was a Mom to a baby boy; after I had "her" bedroom all decorated in Strawberry Shortcake pink; and after my Mother told me she had a dream about being a Grandma to a little BOY, I called the adoption agency and told them to change my preference to ANY baby that needed a Mother...

A couple of weeks later, I got my call, and it was a BOY!  I just knew he was the one, even before I saw his photograph.  When I saw his photograph, I just melted.    

I think your heart will tell you when you see him that he's yours.  Best wishes!

Answer 6

I hear that too but that didn't happen to us. I was scared about adopting a blind child. When I first saw her picture online I didn't inquire. It was a few days later when I kept comming across her picture that I sent my paperwork in. I prayed about it and told God if she wasn't for us, don't let things progress. After about 6 weeks we were sure that she must have been adopted when we got a call. We were chosen and we needed to make plans to go get her!

  I was torn inside wondering if this was the right thing. Then I got a call about a healthy newborn nearby whos mom was in jail and they had no one else to show. Basically it was an agency pick and we were all they had at the time. She was ours for the taking. I had to turn her down. I could have just switched children. We had no finacial attachment to the blind baby but we passed on the newborn. I don't know why it was so easy to do.

  When meeting our daughter for the first time, I didn't even cry. I was still wondering if we did the right thing. It only took a few days bonding at the orphanage to see she was really ment for us. I think I was just grieving the loss of a "healthy" child and the loss of a newborn. Kyden was 5 months old. Now I know she was ment for us. I wouldn't trade her for anything and I thank GOD I didn't go for the other child!

My advise? Pray about it! God will lead you where you are supposed to be.

Answer 7

I have read some bulletins and felt a very strong connection with the child or children in the bulletin.  But it's not my decision, and I've always just asked our social worker to add a special note about why we feel that we would be a good family for this child or sibling group.  If we're not chosen, then I trust that the caseworker knows what s/he is doing.  In all reality, my feelings are the least important.  The caseworker knows the child far better than I do, and therefore s/he knows what's best for the child far better than I do.  My gut reaction to a picture and little blurb doesn't say much, except that I would love this child instantly whether s/he was "my" child or not.

Just my two cents.  I wish you luck on your journey!  What method of adoption did you choose, just out of curiousity?

Answer 8

I'd question the person's sanity or, at least, emotional maturity if they said this.  To impose a hopeful fantasy - 'it was meant to be' - upon the child at first sight is inconsiderate and could lead to problems later.  The child has a history separate from the potential adopters.  This should be respected.

Answer 9

Oh, I've heard it alright.

What would you say if a friend met a guy on the street and said she KNEW he was her future husband?

You'd think she was nuts.

'Nuff said.

Answer 10

No, it doesn't always happen like that. Just like not everyone falls in love with their partner at first glance.

Sometimes it takes a bit longer to fall in love.

Answer 11

We adopted our daughter internationally and she was "matched" with us by an agency in the country where she was born. When she was 13 months old we were given 3 smalll pictures of her, taken 6 months earlier. One of the pictures was absolutely adorable; she looked beautiful and confused and a bit sad. And the picture was taken in a dogbed(!), to help prop her up, and dogs are a big part of our family. And her name meant "fur" as well. It just seems so perfect and our hearts just melted.

But I didn't really feel like her mom. I was totally excited about adopting her, and I thought she was ever so cute, and I was drawn to her -- but it was just a picture and didn't seem real to me.

When we met and she was placed in my arms, she was traumatized and screamed and arched her back to get away. After a couple of minutes she calmed down and began staring intently at my face. After a few minutes I gave her some crackers -- little did I know that was THE way to this girl's heart, lol! After a couple of crackers, still staring at my face, she offered me a cracker, holding it out to my mouth for me to eat. That absolutely melted my heart and I was her mom from then on. The attachment still took some time and struggle to develop, but I felt like her mom.

You may or may not feel an instant bond. Some women don't feel an instant bond to a baby born to them either. It puts a lot of pressure on a developing relationship to expect an instant bond. Attachment takes time and effort from both parents and children, and it will take awhile. Try not to have too many expectations. Prepare yourself, but try not to dream of how your meeting will be or how you will feel. There is enough pressure on the relationship without putting on the extra expectation of instant "belonging." Don't worry too much, because it is very likely a strong attachment will develop between you and the child you adopt.

(That said, if you are given a picture beforehand and you feel a very strong antipathy to the child (highly unlikely, but it does happen), then you should seriously consider not adopting him or her -- attachment in adoption can be hard and the child deserves a parent who is fully committed to the process, and if you feel this is the "wrong" child for you, then you wouldn't be. Again, this is probably VERY unlikely, but I did want to mention it.)

*****

Now I'm going to speak to something that seems to me to be a subtext to the question you asked. I mean no disrespect to you at all, and I'm not saying this is >your< subtext, just that it is a common thought and your question triggered certain thoughts and feelings for me.

I love my daughter with my whole being. I can't imagine loving her more. I'm not her only mom, she had 2 before me (a first mother she was born to and a foster mommy for just over a year), but I'm her mommy for daily purposes and she pushes my buttons and melts my heart like a daughter.

But I don't feel she "belongs with" me exactly. To me, belonging is a tricky thing. Same with saying our adoption was "meant to be" (not quoting you, but the sentiment is widespread). To me these sentiments reflect a "fatedness" to adoption that makes me very uncomfortable. I feel more comfortable saying my daughter was "meant to be" with her first family, though since that is not her truth I would not say that either. To say that we "belong" together seems to me to indicate that God or Fate or something "meant" for my daughter to be abandoned. I cannot and will not believe in a world like that, where children are "meant" to suffer the loss of abandonment so that they can "belong" with another family. What a cruel world that would be, and who would "design" a world like that?

Adoption is a mass of complications and raises so many feelings and thoughts that can seem opposed to each other. We love our daughter with our whole hearts and she loves us (just ask her!), but there is a loss at the core of the relationship because our family could not have been formed without her first family (and second) being "broken." Our job as parents is to love our daughter no matter what, and to help her to be a strong and "whole" person, losses and all. Tricky and heartbreaking sometimes, but I wouldn't give it up for the world.

Answer 12

Are you talking about infants or any age child. Do you really think that you would reject the child they choose for you? Has anyone ever said, "no thank you, I don't think that he/she is my son/daughter."  

You really do make it sound like you are picking out a puppy. Are you going to have them line up all of the children and then pick the one you want?

You are adopting a child that has lost it's parents through no fault of their own. They were not abandonned to be "the child you were meant to have". Show some sensitivity and compassion please.

Answer 13

I knew when I first saw Corey Haim that he belonged with me, but 20 years lated it still hasn't panned out...

Answer 14

I think that the first time you see your adopted child, it is an incredibly special moment;   when my first daughter was placed in my arms, she was 8 months old and weighed only 11 pounds.  She had a skinny little body and a huge, huge head!  As I held her, she looked into my eyes for a moment, then beamed the biggest, hugest smile, and snuggled herself up on my shoulder.  In that moment, I became a mother!

Answer 15

Our first adoption was from an orphanage in India (where we lived for a number of years when I was with the foreign service).  My wife had been to the orphanage before to volunteer but the morning we went to pick up our daughter, who we had never met before, was my first time there.  My wife followed the Sister to the infant room while I stopped at each crib along the way giving all the toddlers and infants a smile and a bit of attention.  My wife was the first one to get to our daughter and she saw me at another crib and asked if I was coming to meet out daughter.  I said that I would see her for the rest of my life but to just give me a minute with the others.  I just couldn't stand to walk by them without at least giving them a smile.  

Anyway, when I turned about my wife was already holding out daughter (8 months old at the time but only weighing 10 pounds) against her chest looking into her eyes.  As I started to walk over my daughter turned in my wife's arms (as best she could at her age and physical state) and smiled a crooked smile at me as he held her arms out to me.  RIGHT THEN I knew that she was my daughter and that she would be going home with us no matter what (we still needed to do the legal paperwork AND the immigration visa).  Nothing was going to keep her from us and it's been a wonderful 15 years thus far.  

Now, my second adoption was just a bit different.  We have a 2 month old in our home and we are fostering her while the CAS process is done and before we can adopt her.  She's a sweet child, beautiful, healthy and a perfect child for us but I just don't have the same intense feeling yet.  I suspect it's only because I won't allow myself since I know there is still a VERY small legal risk that she could be returned to her bio mother although I know that won't happen.  I just know that once we get that word that the mothers legal rights have been severed (it's a LONG and SAD story for sure) then I will feel totally different.

Answer 16

you probably will... there is always a special child that will atract your sight and your heart :)

Answer 17

Yes!!!

We adopted from China, so we were matched with her. It was the most profound moment of my life. Excitement, joy, fear, anxiety.

And Sunny, when I first laid eyes on my husband when we were just 19 and he was stocking shelves in a department store, I whispered to my girlfriend that I was going to marry him. 14 years  later, yea we're still crazy about each other and crazy over our daughter.

Answer 18

i know

Answer 19

Oy ignore some of the responses, I totally understand where you are coming from.  I have just adopted three children, aged 4,5 and 6.  They came from the same family (they are bros and sisters) but they live in separate foster homes.  The first one we met was the little girl and I cannot tell you the instant connection we had.  She even told me seh dreamed about having a mommy wht my hair and who looked like me. Her older brother (5 year old) I took to but it wasn't an instant bond. It was more, oh he is cute, and well a boy.  He had the same connection with my husband though.  We all did our visits and they have moved in.  Now we are all close and the bond is there, with both of them.  

Now we are moving their older brother in, and yikes, when we met him, no bond whatsoever.  I just kind of thought there would be.  So this does not mean we like him or will love him less, just need more work on our part to work on attachemtn and give him time.  I wish I had that "instinct" feeling with all of my children, but alas it didn't happen.  What will happen is a lifetime of bonding, attachemtn and getting to know eatch other.

They can give you all the info on paper but until you meet your child, you really don't know how you will feel.  If it doesn't feel like heaven at teh beginning, that doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be, just that you will go slow and attachment will come.

ETA:  A different spin:

When we accepted our placement of three children, they want you to do a blind visit wtih the children, where you can see them in a public place but they have not idea you are there are who you aer.  This is to ensure you can feel you can parent the children.

We went to McDonald's, they were there with their foster parents and we were just sitting and hanging out at a few tables over.  All three kids were quite adorable and well behaved, and spunky.  We had already said yes, and this just confirmed for us we could see ourselves parenting these children.

Then a monthlater we actually met the for our pre placement visits.  We had a great visit.  The foster mom then told me story I though twas hog wash, about how our little girl saw us at McDonald's and said "that is going to be my new mommy".  I said no this can't be, I thought foster mom was a bit spinny so just let it go, but then next day at visit my girl showed me a picture she drew of what she had wanted in a mommy, and her foster mom was telling the story again....I looked over at my girl and said "is this true" and she said in a sweet haunting voice "i remember you at Mcdonald's" and she said it on her own a few times later.  So who knows, but even if foster mom helped her a bit, she little girl thinks she picked us out for parents, not the other way around.