Did you know you were adopted?

Question

My husband and I are in the process of step-parent adoption for my son because my son's father is a deadbeat. The court is giving us a hard time right now because of a paper that wasn't included in the summons. Our son is 5 years old and we know by the time this process is over he may have to learn his biological father's last name in school. We will have to explain to him everything eventually....Do you think this will effect him in the long run? Is there anyone out there with some helpful advice, maybe who experienced this same scenario? Please help! Thanks!

Answer 1

As your son's mom, you should already have a copy of his original birth certificate. I'm curios...does anyone know if OBC's are sealed in step-parent adoption?  In any case, it might be something he'd like to have one day.

As an adoptee, I have known as long as I can remember that I was adopted. For me, it was no big deal while growing up. Not until I was a teen and, like most teens, began questioning "who am I?"  I wondered, "If my own mother didn't want me, and this mother (my adopted mom) doesn't want me, what's wrong with me?"

I was a "daddy's girl".  I adored my father (the man who raised me and gave me his name).  He passed away 11 years ago this week.

Meeting my birth father, whom I look like and take after, was awesome! I knew my dad felt a bit threatened by my search. Yet, in spite of his fears, he encouraged me to finish it.  Because he loved me. I loved him even more because he loved me enough to support me in the face of his own fears.  NO ONE could EVER replace my dad in my heart. Or, "dads", really. I'm lucky I got to meet them BOTH.

I loved my birth father, too. Just as parents can love more than one child, our hearts are big enough to love more than one (or two) parent(s).  

Because of a cruel comment my adopted mom made to me as a teen (about my birth mother in reference to me), I know from personal experience that children are deeply hurt when one parent speaks badly of the other. We get 1/2 our DNA from that other parent, after all.  It's half of who we ARE.  

Because of that, I never spoke a bad word about my daughter's dad (my ex husband) to her or in her presence. No matter how mad at him I was. No matter what difficulties we had.  Hardest of all was when SHE was hurt by her father's actions (or lack of). It's hard NOT to criticize an ex when your child is hurting because of their behavior.  

I told my daughter that her father loves her to the best of his ability. But he's not that great at showing it.  That doesn't mean he doesn't love her. Most of all, I didn't want her to feel for a nano-second that she isn't WORTH loving.  

It takes a bit of creativity & A LOT of sensitivity to explain a parent's absence to a child.  And really, unless you've had a heart to heart with your son's dad, you DON'T know why he's dropped out of your lives.  He will have to answer for his own actions.  

So, my advice is to always be honest with your boy. Answer his questions.  If you're comfortable with your family story, he will be to. When he's curious about his "other" father, know that it's only natural. His curiosity is not a judgment of your husband's abilities as a dad or the importance of his role in your son's life.

And listen to what Sunny wrote. The message may be a bit harsh, but the truth sometimes hurts.

Best of luck to you & your family.

Answer 2

Will knowing (or owning) his paternal line's surname affect him in the long run?  Are you joking?  This is your biggest worry?

--His 'biological father' is his father, not your husband. Calling his father (the man you chose to make a child with) names, and speaking of him dismissively will affect him.

--He should ALREADY know that he has a father OTHER THAN your husband, his step-father.  "Eventually"?!

--It is not the court's fault you are having a 'hard time'.  You are the one who CREATED this 'hard time'.  You had a child with an irresponsible man, got remarried, and are PRETENDING that this man is your kid's father.  Does your son get to see anyone on his father's side of the family--or are you punishing them?  Or are all your ex's people terrible and awful?!

You, in addition to your ex, are doing damage to your kid.  STOP keeping secrets, lying, and pretending.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to have an emotionally healthy child with all the c**p you're creating to cover YOUR mistakes.

Just try the truth, it feels good.

Answer 3

Good advice from Anastasia.  Get your hands on everything now, while you still can do so legally.  It may seem pointless to you now, but you will hopefully one day undertand the importance of the truth for your son's well-being.  There are loving ways to handle these situations for younger children.  Loving is honest and real.  It is not loving to lie and pretend and keep things from your child.  He's old enough to know a lot more than you probably realize he knows already.  Hiding things will only make it worse than it is.

Answer 4

My advice is treat it like it is no big deal, and DON'T use terms like "deadbeat" around your son.  Don't give the kid adult information.  Tailor what you tell him to his age.  It isn't fair to him to expect him to process adult attitudes while he's still a child.  He'll accept the situation if you act as if you accept it, and he looks to you for the attitude he should have.  If you seem angry at the father, he's going to pick up on it, and since he is part of his father, he may internalize the anger, and think you are angry with him.  He may begin to feel like he is somehow not worth your love.

With that said, let me give you another truism:  The truth is never the enemy.  You love this child, and your husband loves him.  That is always first.  Secrets don't really work out.  My sister-in-law had a child when she and my brother married.  My brother adopted the boy.  A year or so later, he got a gift in the mail, and I asked him where he got it.  He said, "Oh, N___ gave it to me.  He's a guy my mom used to know."

It was truthful, accurate, and unemotional, just as it had been presented to him.  When he was older, he understood what sort of friendship N___ and his mother had had, but it came up when he was ready to ask about it.  The information can simply be answers to questions.  Just remember to answer what he asks, and not give him more information than he's asking for or equipped to handle.

Good luck.  You are lucky to have a husband who realizes the child is not a threat, and who wants to adopt him.  Give both the (step) Daddy and the child hugs tonight.

Answer 5

it's very important that you get a copy of your sons original birth certificate.   once this adoption goes through, it will be illegal for him to have it (in most states).

i would absolutely discuss this with him starting yesterday.  if you keep it from him, he'll find out anyway.  lies always hurt adoptees.

Answer 6

I was adopted by my mom's second husband when I was 4 yo. I don't know when I knew, but it seems like I've known my entire life that I was adopted by him. They had my brother together and I've never considered him my "half brother".

The thing that bothered me the most growing up was that my bio dad would just give me up like that. It also bothered me that my mom trash talked my bio dad.

Answer 7

yes     nice ears