Did you live together before marriage... why/why not?

Question

I guess this never posted the first time... so let me try again!

Alright so I am looking for some 3rd party advice here. My boyfriend and I are pretty serious. We're only in our 2nd year of college, but we were High School sweethearts... and marriage has come up in the past. I hope I'll marry him, but I understand that it may not happen. So, I've always felt that living together before marriage was for me. With divorce rate so high... I want to KNOW a person before I get married. I never saw anything wrong with it. My Mom also supports me in the matter. However, my boyfriend's parents are totally against it (and good family relationships are important to me) and would be VERY angry if they knew we lived together before marriage. His brother was engaged and living with his finance (they lived together even before the engagement).. they are now married and their parents still don't know they lived together before hand. It eats away at his wife just knowing they are still lying about it. I don't want to be like that, but at the same time... my morals are my own. I am considering moving in with my boyfriend next year... it'd be easier financially and I feel we'd be ready... but I don't know anymore due to his parents. I mean I wouldn't regret it even if we broke up. I am not the kind of person who regrets anything. I am wise about all my choices. Anyway, I want some advice from you guys. And real input please, not just "Oh... don't do it... that's immoral!" Thanks in advanced for all your help! I DO give 10 points to the most helpful, well though answer.

Answer 1

I was dating ( my now ex husband) for some time, we talked about getting married. After awhile it really concreted me because when ever it came up there was always so much he wanted to get done before we got married( better job, house a ton of things) I totally respected this. I did not want to just live with him forever. We ended up getting engaged and we then lived together for at least 6 months before we got married. My mom was ok with it, But others I had to lie to, so I know where you are coming from.

You are your own person with your own feelings and morals...sticking to them cannot always be easy.

I think you learn  a lot about someone by living with them before you say I do

My situation did not end so well, but I do not think that living together would have helped.

I think its really important to really get to know someone, all the good and the bad.

My fear was always if we lived together ( I did want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him) that it would never happen.

Now going through what I did, I think I would want to wait and live with someone before marrying.

Having that lie hanging over your head could be very hard, but at some point we have to do what makes us happy, even knowing that what we may do may upset someone. Any decision you make will never make everyone happy. Its harder when it could be your in laws.

I think its a good idea, because you learn so much more about the person.

You have to weigh what you want with " living a lie" not trying to  sound harsh....

good luck

Answer 2

Well I had parents like your boyfriends.  Came from bible belt- you know, you are going straight to h**l if you have premartial s*x.  I believed what they believed at the time.  My husbands parents felt the same.  We were in college and broke.  We were parking in remote areas just to have some alone time as the college we went too had strict rules about how boys and girls "interacted."   We did not live together before we got married but it would have been really nice in some ways.  We got married the end of my sophmore year.  I quit school as someone had to work and my husband finished school.  It was nuts.  I worked 80 hours a week to make ends meet/keep my hubby in school.  He was taking classes he had to have major study time for - so not much time to be with each other.  It was really difficult and we fought a lot.  I think if we did not have the commitment of marriage that first year, we would have broken up. There are lots of little thing s you will find out about each other when you first  live with someone that will drive you nuts no matter how easy going of a person you think you are and how much you love each other.  If you are not married you will have a big fight and decide it is not worth staying.  I guess I am trying to say that in the end that although I can understand the temptation to live together, I don't think you should do it.  You need the commitment of marriage to keep you together and honest. Too many people take marriage vows lightly nowadays so I do admire you for taking them seriously.   If it is meant to be you guys can wait until you can get married.    

Answer 3

ok, so your part doing it for finances, part for love? biblically- respect your parents... but biblically, you are married if you sleep together, at which point you are to cleave to one another and basiclly get away from the parents because parents try and still rule your life..

now none biblically: im glad you have realized that marriage is a financial system as well as for love, but to move in to save money... thats a tough one. ME PERSONALLY*** i think you should be as debt free as possible before such a comittment. sounds stupid when living together = more free money, but that is why living apart is so crucial, you must learn budgeting, you must have your own life.

as far as high school sweethearts, both of you should honestly ask one another if either of you wonder what else is out there. if you HONESTLY do not.. then living together would be a possibility. if you DO wonder.. then give yourselves a 3 month no contact timer and see what happens. and try out others.  

Answer 4

me and my girlfriend live together and we are completely in love. i am really glad we made the decision. we may get married in the future but for now. i love it. believe me though, you will fight a lot more. but its great to get to know the persons living habits before marraige to resolve any huge surprises. Good Luck!

Answer 5

My husband and i moved in together 3 months before we got married cause we found an apartment that was cheap and available.

I say go for it and dont worry about what anybody says about it cause you are both adults and can do what you want.

Answer 6

I lived with my first husband for 5 yrs before we got married..we divorced after 12yrs together due to drugs.

My current marriage we lived together for 7yrs of our 9yrs together and it's still going strong. My mom was against my living before with each husband but after we got married she didn't dwell about it.

It's an individual choice but don't lie about it, living in a lie is worst.Most parents are forgiving after the actual wedding day and get them involved with the wedding arrangements.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

Look hon, you should respect your boyfriend's parents wishes.  When you get married and have children some day, you will better understand my point here.  It's not about being moral or not; it's just about respecting the man and woman who raised the son that you love so much.  Also, when you say that you won't regret it if you both broke up... then he's not the one for you.  When you find the one for you, not only will you know, you would deeply regret not being able to spend the rest of your life with him.   I hope you're next love is stronger than this one.

Answer 8

I lived with my husband before we got married.  We actually lived together for 2 1/2 years before our wedding and have been married about 13 months now. (and like yourself I was in college the whole time..actually graduated 2 weeks after my wedding!).  I think that it was a good experience.  You learn about their habits, their preferences, and how things will be once you're married.  Sometimes it's a great time to realize "There is NO way I can handle living with that forever!"  

As far as his family being pissed about it, it's not really up to them.  Also I think they would be more upset if you guys got married, then divorced 6 months later.  

It is a great learning experience regardless of if you get married.  You can figure things out about yourself and what you want.

Plus it saves on having to pay 2 sets of bills...but that's just a technicality.  

Answer 9

My brother and his now-wife lived together for a year before getting married. They did it to see how it would be if every minute of everyday that they were home, they were together. They did it to see how it would go, to make sure things would be ok when they were together.

Answer 10

i married my high school sweetheart also and lets just say i should have lived with him for a few years before i married him. I think, like u said, that divorse rate is soo high these days its very smart u want to wait & live together first.

it sucks that HIS parents dont agree, but it is YOUR life (ya'll life) together not theirs.  

Iv been with my new boyfriend now for a year and we being both divorsed have talked about living together first beFore we get married. we dont want to make the mistake we did the 1st time. hopefully this will be the last time i get married.... takes a while to know someone. and not to mention U being so young, its possible that u also grow up & grow apart. I hope not but it happens and I wish u the best of luck!

Answer 11

That's a very tricky situation!

You seem to know exactly how you feel about him which is great and if it wasn't for his parents feelings it would probably be a great idea for you to move in together...

Has he tried explaining your situation to his parents?

Maybe you could all sit down together and explain why you and your bf want to move in together? If you let them know that you both love each other, are planning to get married one day and are going to move in together no matter what they say they might respect your honesty. They might not necessarily like the idea but if they see how strongly you both feel they might learn to live with it.

Best of luck :)

My partner and I lived together before marriage. Our parents didn't really like the idea at the start but we were honest and it didn't take our families too long to see how much we loved each other and be happy for us. It was hard at first because we wanted them to accept or decision, but it was definitely worth being honest in the long run :)

Answer 12

My wife and I did not live together before marriage.  But 35 years ago, it was just starting to be more common.  We never really considered it, despite the fact that several of our friends were living together.  I think it was because we wanted to spend a lifetime together, and felt that we needed to make the commitment, via our wedding vows, before God, our families, and community.  We felt that this public joining of our lives, body and soul, was the best way to start a life together in which we could develop complete mutual trust.  Of the dozen couples in our circle who were cohabiting prior to marriage, only two are still together.   Studies over the years have shown that cohabitation before marriage not only minimizes chances of a successful relationship, but that it increases chances of physical and emotional harm to all involved.  If you truly love your boyfriend, be patient.  Wait until you are married, before you live together.  You will be very glad that you did.  Best wishes!

Answer 13

Don't do it. Follow God's rules and live a Blessed marriage. Not one of consequence. It may seem hard nbut trust him and you will be better than you thought

Answer 14

My husband and I lived together for a year and a half before we got married.  We aren't at all sorry about doing that.  We both had been married before and didn't want to have to go through another divorce.  We've been married for 30 years now.  

You have a problem with your future in-laws, though.  You'll have to discuss it seriously with your boyfriend and decide how much disapproval you're prepared to put up with. In-law troubles are a common source of friction in a marriage.  When you marry the guy, you're marrying his whole family even though their names aren't on your wedding certificate.  

Answer 15

I think living together is a GREAT idea!  My husband and I were high school sweethearts and were together for 8 years before we got married!!!  We ended up living together for a quarter when we were in college, when we were about 6 years into the relationship.  This was a BIG eye opener.  There are so many little things that might drive you nuts and it's a good thing to find that out sooner than later.  I mean, yeah, he does some things that I can't stand, but I have learned to live with it and that one quarter made all the difference in the world.  When you have been together for so long you think you know them really well, but being with someone 24/7 is a whole different story.  I also agree with you about the divorce rate being so high and being worried about this issue.  I was worried about it too.  After living with him for those months I really got to know him, his annoying habits, and his great personallity.  I didn't think there was much more I would find out after being with him for 6 years, but living together opens a new window.  My biggest thing is, graduate college first and make sure you are both on the same path.  That's why we waited until we were together for 8 years, we wanted to graduate college and start life when we would not be up to our eyeballs in debt from school with out any good job.  Now we both have good paying jobs and are able to afford living together and had the wedding we always wanted.  I think it's best to make the decision you want and you think is right.  My grandmother would have died if she knew we lived together back then, but my parents understood and thought it was a good idea.  Perhaps it's best to talk it over with the parents.  If there is a problem you can at least explain your side of it and talk it out.  That way there is no suprise and you don't have to worry about anyone finding out.  

Answer 16

you just need to know one thing... u cant live with someone who ur not married to yet... its not right.. if u guys are really serious and everything.. then get married.. n u say u really have to know sum1 b4 u marry them... then go rite ahead!!!!! GET TO KNOW HIM.... MORE! =].... there's nothing wrong with that.. be bf n gf for as long as possible.. dnt move in or get married unless u KNOW u HAVE to b together.. ull kno wen to get married.. n wen its rite.. ull kno bcause u will get that feeling.. that u cnt live without being with that person.. seriously.. i mean its really up to u but... hey if u really love him so much then wats wrong wit waitin??.. living wit sum1 who ur not married to is a sin.. n even if ur not religous... its just not right.. if u really love him so much then get married u kno??? if its really worth it and u really love him dnt u think u SHUD get married... thats all u shud ask urself... i dnt kno if i helped.. maybe i confused u more.. but really think about it.. hope i helped u make this huge decision...  

Answer 17

I don't see anything wrong moving in with your boyfriend. However, if like you said having a good relationship with your potential in laws is more important to you, than I wouldn't do it. you said it eats away at your boyfriends siser in law. I doubt you want it to be like that. You don't want to get married within a lie.

I am 22. I live with my boyfriend of 2 years, but both of our parents were supportive. If they were not I probably wouldn't do it. Just to keep the peace.

Answer 18

i think it's a little much that his parents are trying to get so involved, I mean in the long run it's your guys relationship and your life and they should support you know matter what. If it turns out to be a mistake down the road then you both learn from it and it makes you a stronger person. You should ask your boyfriend if his parents lived together before marriage because you REALLY learn a lot about someone when living together and I would recommend it to be honest. My husband and I moved in together and fought like cat and dogs before we got married but i don't regret a second of it because you adjust and by the time we got married we knew each other inside and out which is a good thing. His parents need to focus on the positives of you moving in together ..they should consider them selves lucky that you care about how they feel so much and not wanting to lie ..if that was my soon to be daughter in law i would really appreciate the thoughtfulness!! you'll make the right choice!!