Different discipline styles in parents--How do you compromise?

Question

We are having a baby in September, after being together for 11 years.

My boyfriend was raised in a household that "whooped" (even using a belt). I was raised in a household where we usually were scolded and punished by losing privileges, but sometimes were spanked. I am extremely 100% against my child ever being hit with a belt, as I never went through that, but it seems terrifying and painful, if not abusive. I think it makes the child fear the parent in the wrong way. How do I convince him to do things my way without seeming to "look down on" his parents' choices?

Answer 1

Problem being, no matter what happens, you may find that none of the things you 'plan' work with your child. You should definitely talk to him about it. And honestly you should have talked about your feelings about it before becoming pregnant. But don't count on any one way to work. You very well may change your mind as the child grows. You may find that time outs with occasional spankings work. Or that the only thing that works is removing privileges and spanking in extreme situations.

You can never tell what will work the best until you try different approaches. I am not against spanking. I am against beatings. I WILL swat my child if they run into the street. I WANT them to know that running into the street is associated with pain and NOT a good idea. Because getting hit by a car is much more painful and abusive. And so next time they know not to do it and don't even have to consider it. But I don't want to beat on my child to get them to listen either.

So you will have to work this out as time approaches. But let him know how you feel. Just say, "I can't imagine being beaten with a belt. I would be terrified. Weren't you scared? Maybe we should consider some other way to discipline our little one. Here are some things I learned or want to try." Get books and both of you read them. See if that works?

Answer 2

there will come a time when you and your husband will have to decide. This is not for us to answer.

Answer 3

Uh yeah...the belt thing would be a deal breaker for me. It is excessive and abusive and I will not stand for my child's father to discipline our child in this way. And he knows it.

I do believe in spanking, however, I have a very strict criteria in which I used it. Defiant or rebellious or dangerous behavior were all occasions for a spanking. Spilling milk for the 100th time, or not picking up toys, or falling int he mud in their Sunday best, and other childish irresponsible things, were not.

And, in the defiance category....there's a big difference when your 2 year old looks you in the eye and tells you "no" than when your 5 year old does it. It's totally age appropriate for a 2 year old to act this way and usually is an indication of a need for a snack or naptime or the like. In your 5 year old, it's an act of their will that needs to be dealt with swiftly and in context, or you will continue to have problems.

Reading some books on disciplining children might help. I particularly like Dr. James Dobson's  Dare to Discipline, The Strong Willed Child, and Parenting Isn't For Cowards. They helped me outline a concrete approach as to how I would discipline so that I wasn't faced with it in the heat of the moment.

EDIT- And sorry Captain C....but you are incorrect. Spanking, (it is NOT the same as hitting, smacking, etc) when applied correctly, can be a very effective tool. I have used it myself on occassion and my children, aged up to 20 years, are far from traumatized or damaged because of it. They learned to mind me and have respect for my authority as a parent.

And, as a child whose parents spanked me also, I can say I have a very good relationship with my folks who did spank me in times of rebelliousness and defiance. And I was one defiant kid. I will say my folks NEVER used a belt on me, however.

Answer 4

Hitting, spanking, and administering any type of phisical punishment doesnt' work ... it's been proven time and time again.  Intead, why don't you two sit down and learn about discipline.  Discipline is a lot different than punshiment and it teaches your child how to be self controlled and self fufilled.  You needn't ever raise a hand at a child ... it will backfire on you 100% of the time.  Once you hit a child, the only thing you have left to do is hit them harder.  Please break the cycle of violence.

Answer 5

I'm sure that there are all kinds of things that you do in your lives that are different from things that his parents did or that your parents did.  This is your life, now - you are adults.  You have to make your decisions for yourselves & take responsibility for them.  

So, instead of doing things the way your parents did or the way his parents did, research all kinds of parenting techniques, talk them over together & decide how *the two of you* are going to parent.  Of course, you should use your own childhood experiences as you discuss this - but, also, use *other* experiences & ideas that you've had in your lives when making decisions.  

Each generation is *supposed to* grow, learn, expand & improve on the previous one.  Or, at least, try to.  Isn't that what you want for your kids, as well?

Answer 6

What ever discipline methods You choose, try to be logical. Otherwice your children will just learn how to split between a "good" and a "bad" parent.

As a boy I was disciplined by our father, my sisters by mother. So I was a bit more free to go and had later curfew. When something went wrong my sisters lost priviliges or got curfew, but I got the belt and a sore butt.

Still now my sisters think they had stricter discipline than me.

Personaly I try not to make the same mistake than our parents did...

Answer 7

>>So, I shouldn't be with him or have children with him because his parents chose to punish with whoopings? I think that's ridiculous.<<

No, you shouldn't be with him because your parents didn't.

Answer 8

I think you need to discuss with him your feelings about spanking very openly, especially about belts. It might help if you give him some books about other discipline methods and "educate" him a little about other options.

One that comes to mind is John Rosemond's To Spank or Not to Spank, which is relatively short and which I think he'll respond well to, because it acknowledges that spanking can be an effective discipline tool if used properly, and then teaches what proper techniques are. (Hand-to-bottom only, used sparingly and only in extreme situations, used more as an attention getter than a punishment by itself, etc.)

I was spanked according to these sorts of rules as a child and can attest that his methods work. I can count on my hands the times I was spanked, and that's precisely what made them so memorable... and effective. I plan to use similar techniques when my daughter is older. (Incidentally, though I had a healthy respect for my parents, I never feared them, and had an unusually good relationship with them during my teen years, compared to many of my friends on either of the extremes - "whoopings" vs. "please don't do that, it upsets mommy" - of the discipline scale.)

One other point, though - if he refuses to agree to a compromise and insists on his style of discipline, be very careful not to let your kid see how much it upsets you, or try to "make it up" to him/her when Daddy's not around. It's very important that you present a united front, even if you disagree behind closed doors. Kids are great at exploiting parental differences of opinion on this sort of issue, and that will sabotage BOTH your efforts at discipline. Of course, he needs to make the same promise not to question YOUR methods in front of the kid either.

Answer 9

The compromise may come in both of you finding something different that you can agree on.  Maybe you both can try thinking of discipline as teaching appropriate and inappropriate behavior rather than the techniques you use to deal with inappropriate behavior.

For example, your 3 year old throws her toys a lot while she's playing.  Your normal approach now might be to tell her that she shouldn't throw her toys, take those toys away, and tell her that she doesn't get whatever it is that you're removing as a punishment.  Your boyfriend's approach would probably be something like telling her she can't throw toys and giving her a spanking.  Try a different approach all together.  Teach her why throwing toys is bad by showing her what happens when people get hit, telling her that it can hurt other people, show her bruises of what being hit looks like, tell her that she might knock something over and break it etc.  Make sure that she understands the reasons not to throw toys.  Then when she does throw them make the consequences match what she did wrong.  Since she threw her toys she needs to take a break from her toys and go do X or Y instead.  She can play with her toys later that day when she has calmed down.  There's no taking away privileges and no punishing.  She just deals with the real consequences of her behavior.  

The idea should be to think of discipline as teaching the right and wrong behavior by using the consequences of that behavior, not ones that you add to the situation.  Throwing a tantrum in the store because he wants a toy results in him having to leave the store.  Kids do learn really well from the actual results of their behavior.  If they hit someone that person gets sad, cries, and is hurt.  When they play nicely with someone that person is happy.  When your child does something wrong tell and show them why it is wrong and what they can do instead.  

A compromise on both of your parts (both of you choosing to discipline differently) may be a great option for both of you.  While I agree that your way is better than your boyfriends, I don't agree that it is the best option for discipline.  See what both of you can change that you can agree on.

Answer 10

I disagree with the belt. Just sit down with him and make up a behavior consequence plan. My fiance have talked at least 10 hrs + about how we will punish our children and now we are on the same page. We just talked about what we deemed appropriate and that is what we will do.

Answer 11

I'm sorry, but I would not have a child with someone who sees "whooping" as the main discipline tool.

I see nothing wrong with an occasional swat on the bottom when nothing else is getting through to your child, but good grief, why spank a child with a belt?!? You are right- that is abusive.

I think some counseling would help you all out. Stand your ground.

Disagree with me all you want, but I think in order for a marriage to work, you have to hold the same beliefs on parenting (as well as other issues). As my name suggests, that's JMO. You asked, I answered. It's up to you to decide what you do.