Difficulty with my child returning from parental visitation?

Question

My son is 9. I have been divorced from his father since he was 2. I have been having issues with my ex trying to get him to take a proper role with my son. I have always organized the visitations because he wouldn't. I have gone out of my way to make things easier on my son. My son recently returned from his summer visitation angry at me saying I was the reason why he didn't get to spend more time with his father during the visitation. I was unaware that his father took his vacation in July so my son really spent the entire visitation with his step-mother in their house doing nothing. My ex said nothing when I asked him about the dates I suggested for the visitation. My son is now also saying that I was at fault for the divorce even though I left because my ex was abusive verbally and near abusive physically. I don't know what to say to my son without telling him the reality of the situation. I really don't want my son to be in the middle of this. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Tell him that the things he's saying are not true, ask him why he thinks that they are so & give him correct (but fair & kind) information.  

As for the visitation happening when his father was not home, tell your son that you're sorry that you & dad didn't communicate better so that he could have had a more productive visit.  It doesn't really matter if your son knows who's fault it is - that's not his problem.

Answer 2

I think you think that you are perfect and your really not.

Answer 3

I have a similar situation in that , my ex more often then not leaves my daughter with his mother to go do whatever it is he does for fun. She ends up being angry at me when she gets home because she doesn't get to see him. I have mentioned ot him that she wants to see him, but he refuses to admit that she was at his mom's even though I picked her there and she told me she stayed there. I have gotten to the point that if he doesn't call to get her on his days I don't call him. I have realized that their relationship is between them and although I know he loves her, he will never be the type of father to put himself in her position. Although I think they NEED to have a relationship, it is not my responsibility to make that happen. She is five now and she sees her dad less and less every month, the other day she asked me if it was Friday. I told her it was. She said "It's daddy's day, but I don't think he'll come get me." I wanted to cry. She is realizing that her dad is not what she thought he was. It's hard on her, but she would eventually have to deal with this. Our relationship gets a little better each week now that she no longer blames me for not seeing her dad. For her I think that it's a sad lesson in life, but it was something I had to do so that she wouldn't grow up thinking that I did this to her. I hope this helps. Good Luck with your ex and your son. I feel your pain

Answer 4

I suggest counseling for you and your son with a neutral third party.  While I have no personal experience with divorce, it seems to me the best way to get out of the middle is to invite in a neutral party.  I think these are probably normal reactions in a child your son's age (particularly a male child) and I am not sure it would do a lot of good to start casting his dad in the "bad guy" role, even if it is truly where he belongs.  I think you can share with him that when you scheduled his visit, his dad did not tell you that he was going to be on vacation......as a weird aside, he took a vacation without his current wife??!  What's that about?

Get an experienced person (counselor, social worker, psychologist, clergy person) to help you with this. If finances are a factor, many organizations have sliding rates.  Ask your physician or school principal for a referral or some suggestions.

And good luck to you.......am so sorry you are living through this.

Answer 5

honesty is the best policy. Your child is old enough to understand. Let him know what happened before his father makes you into the monster.

Answer 6

He needs to get the truth. I would sit down with the father, or at least have a phone conference. Someone is either lying to him or not telling him the whole situation, and it seems both of you are leaving out details.

Also, it sound like there are many communication problems between everyone. This needs to be cleared up before your son gets older and starts playing the blame game on either or both of you.