Diluted (poem)?

Question

i sit inside my head clouded by self dillusion and mistrust, theres nothing left not even us, were all the same just another tragedy with a lie you see, i just cant be anything anything at all and alone is my path, the destiny i have forced on my self, feeding my self this s**t that i get from them, the ones that never mend as they all begin to wisper, give into sin, drain your soul deep from within and just give in, become one of us we will take you in, so this is how it begins

Answer 1

Can't find the right word in my dictioary to describe how this made me feel, what it made me think. "Amniotic" is as close as I can get... the fluid around an embryo. I wanted the word for the way an embryo gets nourishment, but can't think of it.

'diluted' made me think of all that, how we really have few choices in many ways, how we are simply drawn in, without even full awareness.

Dunno' if that's your message, but that's what I got. Helpless, alone, there, hearing everything and feeding on it too, because that is all there is for the embryo. I won't even get started on life after birth. geez.

Answer 2

I liked it over all. The words are fantastic...

It is however hard to read when written in a paragraph. It would be a little easier to read in lines.

Unless your point is to slow everyone down and have to stumble across it. (some use deliberate form to force the reader to go a certain direction...can't say that I favor that technique. )

I do like it though. So keep it up. I am no writing expert, I do know a few things. I bought a great book a few years ago that helps in structuring a poem. You might have to look it up on Amazon or some place like that.

It is a very good reference book. I've learned a lot about poems. It reads like a college text book but it is very cool. I bought it at a book store years ago. They may have new editions.

Answer 3

Hi

I think this is a great poem. I don't think there is anything you need to change with your poem, although I think you need to structure your poem. It just makes it easier to read.

I loved it all the same.

WELL DONE! : )