Disagreement on discipline.?

Question

My husband and I are having a little disagreement on discipline for our 14 month old twins.

Last night my husband slapped one of our babies on the hand because she continued dropping her food off her high chair tray after he repeatedly told her not to.

I was shocked when he did it, in the kitchen plating our dinner, and I got teary eyed when my little girl started crying and calling: "Mama! Maaaamaaaaaa!"

It took everything in me not to go pick her up and try to calm her down but I can't do that. You should never undermine your spouse so instead I insisted that my husband be the one to comfort her. He did and after he did then I did.

She dropped more food on the floor and my husband said: "She's doing it again." so I sarcastically said:

"Why don't you try the belt next time?"

I think I made my point. They didn't understand what I was saying so I didn't really think of that as undermining.

Anyhow, after they went to bed we discussed it again and I told him in no uncertain terms that he is NEVER to hit either of them ever again. That is unacceptable. He didn't argue with me but he didn't agree to it either. I'm at a loss. This is the only time this has ever happened and it made me sick.

I talked to his father about it this morning and his dad told me that he was never hit as a child and that he completely disagrees with hitting, especially young toddlers! I was hit as a child- A LOT- and I don't believe it's effective. Obviously not since she kept dropping food on the floor! All she learned was that she can't trust Daddy like she thought she could.

What would you do? Keep in mind please that before last night I always thought he was the best daddy ever. Meal times are a struggle because one child drops food on the floor and the other one hates being strapped in a high chair so she yells a lot. It's just hard because they're so little and you can't reason with a 14 month old.

Thanks.

Answer 1

God woman its only a slap on the hand. its not like he slapped her on the bottom.  A slap on the hand isnt going to hurt her.

Answer 2

He may just still be the best daddy ever.

There comes a time when discipline crosses the line into abuse.  Your husband is far, far away from that.  

He has shown your toddler in terms that she understands that there are rules.  Discipline is needed.  You show your love through positive and negative reinforcement.  "Spare the rod, spoil the child."  is a very accurate and sage advice.

If your child breaks your grip and runs out into traffic and you yell "STOP."  I presume that you want your child to stop dead in its' tracks?  It can't be all "Time out" and "scolding"....they weary of that and challenge the limits of your authority.

Try and remember, and look around,  not all sweet little children grow up to be nice and productive adults.  The happiest adults are the ones who have had rules and discipline as children.

I am sorry.  My sympathies are with your husband.  He loves those children.

Answer 3

aww. your hubby just wants to break your little gal of the habit.....you did good on not picking her up after the incident because it just reinerates to her that you and daddy agree on her issue...i dont believe in physically punishing a child over something either...there are plently of ways that are more psychologically effective then physically punishing....just have a talk with hubby and make sure you guys are on the same level with some type of punishment whether its time out or taking away her favorite toy....good luck!

whoevers givng the thumbs down s***w you!

Answer 4

First of all, your husband didn't hit your child, he gave her a slight slap on the hand.  He didn't beat the life out of her, he didn't belt her, he didn't even spank her.  It was a small slap.  Overreacting like you did doesn't help either.  Your sarcasm towards him was not called for.  You ordering your husband around is not called for either.  He is a great father.  So he got upset once and overreacted himself.  Big deal.  He's human, it happens.

Instead of ripping into him with sarcasm and ordering him around, try having a civil heart to heart.  Let him know how it makes you feel and that you would rather he didn't do that again.  He will receive that a lot better than the way you went about it.  She can trust her dad.  You are blowing this out of proportion.  He barely slapped her hand!  He didn't slap her with all his force, yell at her, or do anything abusive.  Please don't confuse his actions with abuse.  It's so terrible that you are going to take one mistake on your husband's part and condemn him as an untrustworthy father.  The first time you make a mistake I hope he can give you the grace and respect that you didn't give him.

A 14 month old may not know better and you may not be able to reason with her, but let him know that instead of handling it that way that he could simply assume she's done and take the food off her tray and let her down to play.  She will not starve herself.  She will eat when she gets hungry.  You can use respect and give him some grace.  You both are human.  You both will make mistakes and do things you thought you would never do.  It's part of the job description as a human and as a parent.

Answer 5

Well in my opinion, it's not the end of the world that he smacked her hand. If he smacked her face or something then there is something completely wrong! Maybe just maybe he over reacted for that situation. What if your daughter was about to do something that could potentially harm her, then do you believe it is right for him to smack her hand? I know if my child were doing something harmful then by all means daddy smack their hand. Maybe there is a time and a place for this. Maybe you should let your husband talk about how he feels about this situation, because he obviously didn't think it was wrong.  There has to be some kind of equal ground. It doesn't make him a bad dad because he smacked her hand, and I really don't believe smacking the hand will lead to other abuse. Good Luck with this, and I really hope you don't hold grudges, and can work something out!

Answer 6

If either of you have time to read, I suggest that you read two books.  First is "Parenting with Love and Logic" http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Love-Log...  It focuses on how to effectively discipline children by using techniques that are related to the behavior (the logical consequences), and how to do it with love.  

The second is "Setting Limits" http://www.amazon.com/dp/0761512128?tag=...  It is a bit more traditional, but helps parents understand how to set and enforce limits in a way that actually works with their kids.  

Using ideas from both of these practices, here's my suggestion on what you can try for meal times with your girls.  First, set your limits and make them reasonable for your girls.  For one the limit might be no dropping food on the floor (if you feel she can handle that).  Give her choices inside of that limit.  Even though she's young you can do "this or that" choices about what spoon she uses, which plate, which food she eats first, which cup she uses etc.  When she drops food on the floor give her a choice, then enforce the limit.  The choice could be "do you want more of this or this" since she might just not want the one food she threw on the floor.  The choice instead could be what she gets to do while everyone else finishes eating.  When she drops her food, take her out of her chair, have her help you pick up the food since that is a logical consequence of her throwing it on the floor, and have her help you throw it away.  Tell her that since she threw her food she must not be hungry.  Then give her a choice of what she can do while you finish eating.  She can color in her high chair, or go play in the other room (or whatever you're okay with her doing).  This is how you enforce the limit.  If she can't handle the situation, you take her away from the situation, let her take a break, then try it again.  Give her a few minutes to do something else, then try her with her food again.

For your girl that doesn't like being strapped into her high chair, try to fix the problem before dealing with the behavior.  What other options are there for her?  One idea could be to get her a booster seat that attaches to a chair.  You can set her in it and push it up against the table for her "tray".  You could also try having her sit on one of your laps, or even eating on a towel on the floor.  Chances are you can avoid the problem all together, which is the first thing to do when you're trying to discipline.  If your limit is that she has to eat while in her high chair, try to give her tons of choices to make it as easy as possible.

So, what about your husband?  Use the same technique on him you would use on the kids.  You set the limit (no hitting the kids) and give him choices of what he can do instead.  Tell him that he can do X or Y to deal with the problem, and that he can pick.  For your girl dropping food, tell him that he can get her some different food or that he can take her to the other room to play for a few minutes.  For your girl that hates being in her high chair tell him that he can take her out for a few minutes or sit with her and eat.  Use what ever options you're okay with him using.  If he won't do it or insists on something you aren't comfortable with, enforce your limit.  Tell him that he can do X or Y, or that he can go take a break from the girls for a while.  You're enforcing that if he can't handle it the way it should be handled he can take a break and try it again.  Be firm about it.  

You're right that you can't reason with your girls, but if you think about discipline as teaching them what is good to do and what isn't, and why, it's not too bad.  You'll get it!  (Your hubby was right... ignoring it is like telling her it's okay to do it because you aren't going to do anything to stop it.  You don't have to give her the attention, but you do stop the behavior.  Since you're worried about her eating just let her take a break for a couple of minutes and then try it again.  She'll eat something!)

Answer 7

at 14 months poping a babies hand isnt abuse....actually its really normal...even for parents who are against spanking there child...its not really spanking its more saying im serious because her being 1 she knows what no is and what stop is....and him taking her away from the table after her continuing to do it was prob the best because she was prob done eating and just playing by then....

Answer 8

corporeal punishment is a difficult subject.  I spanked our kids when they were older (both girls) because I felt like an occasional swat delivered with love would do a world of good.  But I tried to be sure that I was never mad.

Good luck

Answer 9

Wow that's whats wrong with this world. People like you that don't discipline their child. If she continues to do something after you tell her no then there have to be consequences. I will side with your husband on that one. She needs to learn boundaries!

Answer 10

Well, I'm with your hubby on this one.  By the way you describe it, he totally did not HIT her.  He slapped her on the hand to teach her.  See, with 14 month olds, they dont quite understand words but they do FEEL things... so soon she will associate dropping food with a hand slap... then she will realise it and hopefully stop.  A question for you.. Would you be this upset if he firmly told her NO and then she cried?  You said you're upset because she cried.. Well, this often happens when children are disciplined in any way... so your plan is never to discipline them? Eeekkk if thats your plan.  Its hard enough being a twin parent but if you're not going to discipline them, oh my.. you will have extreme trouble on your hands.  Personally, I was spanked as a child and I do not view spanking as HITTING... there is a difference...  I was not tramatized by it.. I think I learned from it and I do use it on my own children..

Either way, you and your husband need to have the same discipline rules.  They need to be consistent or it will never work.  Have a talk and find some middle ground that the both of you agree to.

Now, I do understand your feelings..  I get sad when my babies cry too.  I think every mother does.. but it is for their own good when being disciplined.  If they arent taught right from wrong, they could end up hurting themselves or others.. and thats one of a mothers worse fears!

Answer 11

You are absolutely right on your stance regarding spanking or hitting.  You would not believe the number of people on here who advocate spanking babies and putting them on time-outs!!!  

Throwing food is one of those incredibly frustrating phases that all babies go through at some point.  My daughter is 16 months old and she does it constantly, and on purpose to get a reaction.  Unfortunately, we have a dog and two cats who basically park themselves under her highchair at mealtime, adding to her enjoyment of throwing food.

Your husband probably just hit the limit of his frustration, and overreacted.  We all do it sometimes.  Sounds like you got your point across.  I think consistency in discipline is one of the most important things to succesful parenting, and a succesful relationship.  Fortunately, my husband and I are both extremely anti-spanking.

When she throws her food, try hard to ignore her.  Or remove her from her chair and take it as a sign that she is finished.  It's normal for babies this age also, to go through the phases of not eating as much.  My daughter is also there right now.

Rainwriter - Thanks for the mealtime survival tips!!  I will try them tonight!!

Answer 12

maybe dad just got frustrated... yes it was not the right way to react but it's not the worse, either. however - you handled the situation well and i agree that nipping it in the bud is your best bet..  hopefully this doesn't happen again!

Answer 13

First, I have to say, that you absolutely can reason with a 14 month old.  They understand more than you think.  Since you are against the slapping on the hand (which I'm not so sure is out of line, it was only a slap on the hand) I would suggest removing her from the chair and the room.  When she drops her food on the floor, tell her, ok, if you are going to drop your food then you are all done.  Take her out of her chair and have her meal be finished.  If she still wants to eat, she won't do it any more.

When your husband said "she is doing it again" I think he was probably saying "ok, what do you want to do about it".  You didn't like his approach but didn't offer another one.