Discipline? How do I handle CHAOS?

Question

Situation. I have two children. Ages 51/2 and 10 yrs. I am married. Both kids in school and discipline the children with positive motivation and redirection so their is no negativity. If there is I remove one child away and tell them what they did wrong then listen to their feelings so they do not compare each other to the sibling. No screaming I told it to my husband since I am here most of the time while he is working. Now the kids are having a hard time listening to me, since dad is not wanting to understand my teaching, providing, and protecting roll models since I am the home maker. How do I talk to the children that listening is important so there are no more battles and tell my husband he has to respect my rules of authority when he is at work and not change it when he is with the kids? My husband want to have the children be in charge as well. It feels like a circus. We are going thrugh counseling. But what do I do in the meantime?

Joanne

Answer 1

Your husband needs to understand that your children MUST see the both of you as an undivided team that will not bend.  You must both support each other's discipline decisions, and never disagree in front of the children.  If they see you as a divided unit, then they know they can manipulate on parent over the other.

THis is SO SO SO important.

Bring it up at the next counseling session as a priority topic.

Good LUck!

Answer 2

You do not want to let your husband make any of the decisions about the children, you said Dad doesn't want to understand "my" teaching.  Dad is a parent as well and you have to a UNITED team, agree on what to do.  That means you have to listen to him too.   ANd he doesn't respect your authority?  Do you respect your husband's authority?  One thing I think you could benefit from understanding is that you and your husband are in charge of raising your children and you are not doing them any favors by being in division with your husband.  Continue to go to counseling.  Be consistent with your children, do what you say you are going to do.  Let your children know Mom and Dad are on ONE team and you two cannot be divided.  This will solve some of the problems in your home.  Your children will feel secure.  They also need some bounderies, and consequences for negative behavior.  Do not be fooled into thinking discipline is "negativity".    If your child is running out into the street you don't say, "Oh sweety, look a pretty kitty over here."  YOU SAY, :NO! YOU CANNOT DO THAT!"  For their safety, and when they get older, and are asking about s*x and drugs, you don't say, " How bout we go shopping ifyou don't do drugs!" (positive reinforcemnt?)  Get some parenting books, like James Dobson, or "Reveloutionary Parenting" by Goerge Barna

Answer 3

This may not be a solution but it may help. Try planning allot of activities where you all are together, board games, taking walks or whatever. It sounds like allot of butting heads. Beat the chaos head on get together with some fun. Exchange important ideas together. I got 4 kids and the way I get it together is planning family activities. If you are wanting to get the kids to get work like cleaning their own space jive it up a bit make it fun for everyone. All video stuff off. turn on the jive tunes get a rolling. Make life fun. Kids like crazy parents who are willing to get to their level and get things done in a fun way that is not so serious. Anything can be a family activity and It doesn't cost a dime. Together is the key word here it almost sounds like allot of your activities probably send you in 4 directions. Get it all together.

Answer 4

pray to god on what you should do----that normaly solves my problems

Answer 5

Hi Joanne,

First of all, you sound like a very good mother. You have the insight, the instinct, the knowledge and now all you have to do is apply all of that with a lot of consistency. Your willingness to seek outside help is another indication that you will work through all this. Parenting is difficult, extremely rewarding, but difficult. Just make sure your hubby realizes the significance of presenting a united front w/your children, it does make a difference!!!  Best of luck to you and your family! =)

Answer 6

Your husband needs to be on the same page with you...otherwise the kids will run amok.  

But honestly, you need to be willing to take a strong hand with them when they show a need for it.  I'm not saying corporal punishment (though if it's necessary, a spanking never hurt anything more than someone's pride), but you need to be able to tell them a good, strong "NO".

Positive motivation and redirection are great - I'm all for them - but if a child does not respond to them for some reason, go further.  Remove privileges, impose extra chores, grounding, require them to write you a formal apology for defiance.  Send them to their room without dinner.  Trust me, they'll learn quickly that when it's time to obey you, they need to snap to it.

These are not harsh measures...they are a whole lot more lenient than what will come later in life if they don't learn obedience and responsibility now.  If one night without dinner, or a week without playing with their friends after school, or a few extra chores teaches them how to be more responsible later in life, then it's worth it.

When you say your husband wants to have the kids be in charge as well, do you mean that he wants to be in charge of them when he's home?  Or that he has a view that the children should have an equal say?

He does also need to show guidance in their lives, but he needs to give you an equal (or fairly equal) say in their discipline.  And they should not be given an equal say, IMO...at 5 and 10, they are not ready for that yet.  They are ready to obey rules that are set down for them, in preparation for when they get older and they have to hold themselves accountable to the rules of society, of their high school or college, and of their job.

In the meantime - set down definite ground rules.  Decide, with your husband, what are acceptable boundaries and rules for the kids.  Decide how the two of you, on the same page, will enforce those rules.  And then set them down, firmly but lovingly, for the kids - and follow up on whatever enforcements you decide upon.  It really is the loving thing to do; now is the time to teach them discipline and responsibility.  They need to learn that now, through your loving discipline, rather than later, through anything from legal troubles to job and relationship difficulties.

I'm not trying to come across as harsh, so I truly hope it doesn't sound that way.  Honestly, some close family members went through this with their kids (both the conflict between husband and wife and the chaos with disciplining the kids); they ended up divorcing and their oldest daughter (now a senior in high school) has more problems than I care to recount.  I just really don't want to see that happen to another family.

Good luck...and I hope something in here is helpful to you.