Dividing up the wedding bill : Putting our foot down?

Question

My fiancé and I are having a hard time putting our foot down about the wedding bill. We had planned on footing the bill ourselves, to make sure our wedding stayed small and to keep our parents from fighting over who gets to pay.

We've managed the "small" part, as we've set our budget at 6k. But we failed at getting our parents to stop arguing with us. We're 22 and planning on going to graduate school in Boston after the wedding. We have money saved up for the living expenses and we figured we could spare some for the wedding, but his parents convinced us to save most of it and let our parents help pay.

My mum is throwing a fit over the whole process. I come from a lower middle class family that took out huge loans on top of paying huge bills for me to go to college. My fiancé's parents are very wealthy and willing to pay for the whole wedding (which is only 1/8 the cost of what his college cost) without putting a dent in their account.

Mum wants to pay for the whole wedding herself. She cries every time I talk to her about going in for only a third and gets angry and says she hates not being able to provide for me and to let her do this for me. My sister also still needs to go to college next year (senior in high school) so I want my parents to save as much money as they can to help pay for her school supplies. Dad can't keep Mum under control as far as talking to her about stepping down a bit (she only gets angrier).

I don't know what to do. My parents really can't afford a wedding and putting my sister through college. Mum once agreed to let us and his parents help pay as long as she paid the most out of any of us. I agreed, because secretly his parents are going to give us money to pay for "our part." I think this is fair and not too under-handed because his parents want to help pay (only have sons) and can afford it. But now she's back to insisting on paying for all of it, and already has opened a bank account with 6k in it for the wedding, and insists I use it.

It's driving me and my fiancé up the wall. He's getting very angry with her, and it's all I can do to make her not yell at me when I try to discuss it with her. Either she yells or changes the subject. What can I do?

Answer 1

I know it's hard trying to decide who pays for what and where the money goes etc but maybe this would be the answer.

Open another bank account in your/ your fiance's name/s and put $2K into it, then it is in your control.  Then explain that because so many of the people you love want to contribute to the wedding it was only fair to pool the funds so that no-one was disadvantaged.  Tell them that you have set your budget at $6K which means that you and your fiance, his parents and your parents can contribute to 1/3 of the costs which is $2K which can be deposited into your joint wedding account.  If someone wishes to contribute more money then they can do so however any extra that you recieve will be split 50/50 between your honeymoon and a college fund for your younger sister.

By specifically saying that everyone wants to help financially but you only need $6K, and intend on giving the remainder to your sister to better her life so that one day she can be as happy as you are, you might find that your mother is more reluctant to give you the money in the first place knowing it won't be used and that everything is set up so it can't be used unless you want it to.  At the moment it is your mother who has the wedding account, not you and your partner.

Another option would be to suggest your parents pay for one half of the wedding and your fiance's parents pay for the other half and you and your partner pay for the honeymoon.  That way both sets of parents have contributed equally and in any case $3k is much better that $6k out of your parents pockets if it keeps your mum happy. Not perfect but better.

Try to change the focus to people wanting to help rather than her not being able to provide as she sees it.  Explain that she has already provided a wonderful life for you and made you into the woman you are today who is about to marry her love and she can afford to let others help provide if they want to because they will never be able to give you what she already has.

Answer 2

She probably feels since they have never had a "ton" of money and your fiance's family has "a lot" that she doesn't want to look like she can't pay for her own daughters wedding.  

I'm sure you are frustrated..I would be too.

Can you just say "Yes, Okay"  accept the money and then give it back to your Dad and tell him to keep quiet about it?   He can then use it to help your sister at college.  Or accept it and then keep it in an account that you could then give it back when your parents need it. (older..retire.etc...?)

A wedding is supposed to be a joyous occasion and this seems to be stressful for your when it should be a happy time.

Good luck ! And, enjoy your wedding/marriage !

Answer 3

it is time for you to  put your foot down with your parents. you tell them that they must pay 1/3 and no more - or else you will not allow them to pay for any of it at all.

they have to pay for your sisters college.

You have to sit your mother down and tell her: IT IS MY WEDDING DAY, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY WITH YOUR OWN WANTS AND NEEDS.

Go for it. be stern enough and you will win.  

Answer 4

So many people feel they have to do things a certain way during a wedding because it's the "traditional way".  Ugh...

Share expenses.  If they want to help, fine.  Let them help.  Do not let them go overboard.  

Put your foot down and tell them how it is.  

Answer 5

At some point, your refusing their gifts will become rude and prideful. I know you have your mothers best interests at heart, but at some point you do have to let her do it her way, as a matter of respect to her and being a gracious receiver.

Is there any way that you can split up expenses by item, not by cost? For example, ask your mom if she would pay for the cake and DJ. His parents could pay for the photographer and alcohol, and you pay for the rest. I know it doesnt make sense for your mother to pay with your sister going to college, but if you dont involve her in this I think she will feel like you snubbed her, or that you are better than her, or something. Let her pay for something, but try to keep it to low-cost items.  

Answer 6

Girl, i wish i had your problem. lol My mom paid for my sister's whole wedding dress, veil, everything, AND most of her wedding (which was small and simple, under $2000, but that's not the point), and she doesn't even seem interested in helping me with mine! It's hurting my feelings a little. I know she just sees me as more independent than my sister, and less in need of her help, but it would be nice if she at least wanted to.

I think your mom feels like it's her duty to pay for your wedding because that's what tradition would call for. But tradition would also have her giving your future in-laws a dowry of 6 pigs and a cow. lol Times have changed. I think you should definitely take a little money from your parents and from his (equal amounts would be perfect) but pay for the bulk of it yourselves. $6000 is plenty for a lovely low-key wedding with 150-200 guests, and an even fancier one with a smaller guest list. You should talk with your mother privately, maybe take her for a pedicure with you and talk about it in a public place where she's less likely to yell. She's realizing that her little baby doesn't need her as much anymore and it's upsetting her. You need to be sensitive to this and make sure she knows that you need her love and support much more than her money, which is better spent on your sister's education. Don't do anything underhanded, though, like taking the money, then giving it back or secretly taking more money from your fiance's parents. If she finds out, she'll feel betrayed, and even if she doesn't you'll feel awful for deceiving her. This isn't just about your wedding, it's about your mom feeling like this is her last chance to provide for you. She's not thinking straight right now. Definitely set a limit to how much you will allow your parents, and your fiance's, to contribute. This will let your parents feel that they contributed and keep your fiance's parents from feeling like they were taken advantage of for their money.

Answer 7

What an interesting situation!  The good side is that you wouldn't be in this situation if you didn't have such a loving family!  

Something came to me - I wonder what you'd think....

What if you accepted the money, all $6000 of it, and therefore didn't take any money from his in-laws as your parents requested.  [By the way, they'll probably just give you a very large wedding gift, which will be yours to pocket and won't cause any mother-guilt.]  When your sister starts college, tell your sister that you want to help her with some of her education costs.  I'm sure she'll tell your parents, which is fine.  Don't ever mention the amount of $6000, but give her $100/month for spending money.  For four years of college x 12 months/year, that's close to $6000.  What do you think?  I think that your sister would be happy (with help for spending $ at college), your parents will be happy (to get to pay for your wedding), and indirectly you're helping your parents by saving them $100 less per month that they'll need to give your sister.

Either that, or just accept the money from your mom hands down.  She wants to give you this gift, and it's her adult decision to decide how to spend her money!

Answer 8

I can see why she might think and say those things, and I see why you feel the way you do, also. I would suggest talking to your mother about helping you with your marriage and not just your wedding.

Explain to her that a) you have the costs under control for the wedding; and b) you would rather that she use whatever money she has to help you and your future husband, say for a home and to start your family and life together. I think she might understand if you come at her that way, and she'll relax about the wedding and be able to feel like she's doing something to help you.

Answer 9

As my fiance and I were both on limited incomes and I did not have a lot of family to invite to our recent (April 2008) wedding- although with my husbands family and our friends the guest list came to nearly 100.

There is NO need to spend thousands of dollars on a wedding, unless you are royalty or you want to impress your guests.

Also NO need to get yourselves into debt for one day which you will be paying off for years.

As you say simple wedding in which you, your fiance, your families and guests enjoy yourselves is the best way to go.

If you have the money to pay for it your selves DO SO it is the best way to solve the arguments, as things are needed to be paid for and one of the family want to pay for it for you, just tell them that's ok it's already paid for..

My wedding only cost $2500 in total.

I brought a pre-loved traditional wedding gown, complete with hoop and veil.  

Does Mum/mum in law or a family member still have a wedding gown ? This will save you around 1 to $2,000

My bridesmaids and flower-girl wore a day dresses, and the males had black pants, vest and tie with a white shirt, and we included a sliver or gold pocket watch and chain.

Simple day dresses for the females and suits for the men are great and the females could pick their own colors as long as the style is the same. Do Not rent suits BUY them it will be a lot cheaper in the long run.

We had a rock'n'roll reception at home. Decorations were banners and pictures of the stars of the 50's and for the reception food we only had a cold meat & salads buffet. Table decorations were flowers, candles and sprinkles on the tables.

Keeping it simple is the way and a lot less expensive.

I did all the flowers myself, including the bridal party, table flowers and the flowers on the arch and doorways.  

Is one of your friends/relatives creative? This saved us over $1000.

Wedding favors were a cd of the music used in the wedding and chocolate hearts in bags.

You can use a computer, burn the CDs yourself, and buy your own favors and bag them yourselves

Photographer was my husbands brother, and various others with cameras.

This saved us $600 to $800 and I was able to make a scrapbooking  album myself. Again Is one of your friends/relatives creative?

Answer 10

Do you think your mother is doing this in order to tell her friends and neighbors that she and your father paid for everything? Or do you really think she has some outdated sense of obligation?

Tell her you very much appreciate the sentiment, but things have changed, and you don't need or even want her to pay for the wedding. Your certainly don't seem at all like the prima donna type, but put your foot down and tell her nicely that's the way it's going to be.

If you have to, tell her you'll elope. That'll fix her.

Good luck.  

Answer 11

I understand your concern for your parents financial situation, but if this is upsetting your mother that badly then just let her pay. They can work it out later. Let her know that you only want her to spend a certain amount. If she already has an account with $6,000 in it, then don't let her spend much more than that. Stop arguing with her about the situation. The fact that she knows your fiance's family is wealthy and can afford to pay for the whole thing might just be upsetting her because she wants to be the one to pay for her daughter's wedding, so don't rub it in her face that they can afford it. She's probably well aware of the fact that she can't really afford it, but sometimes pride gets in the way. Just step back, and graciously accept her offer to pay for the wedding. Maybe they can work out a deal where she pays for the wedding and his parents pay for the honeymoon. Just make sure to set a price limit on the honeymoon too. Don't let them send you on some elaborate honeymoon that costs way more than the wedding. That would just be a slap in the face to your mom. Good luck!