Divorced father of 22 yrs, my son is 26 and is getting married, he did not include me on the invitation.

Question

I have always been there for my son, never missed any holidays, birthdays, support payments, took trips together, included him on my side of the family get togethers, I also remarried seven yrs ago and my wife as always welcomed my son with open arms and love. He has decided(or his family) not to included me in the wedding at all. They never would let me in on any of the details nor requested any help with the wedding, His stepfather is going to be his best man, because he says his stepfather is his parent and I am only his father. I know from past experiences with his mom that I will not be included in the family photos or be introduced as family at the wedding. I met with my son and told him how hurt I was and he said you now know how hurt I was when you left mom( he was 4 at the time). Should I go to the wedding and make the best of it or stay away since obviousely I am not wanted there even though I received an invitation. Also his fiance came from a divorced family and told my son when we first met that she was glad to see that his father was part of his life unlike her father, who she has no contact with.

Answer 1

If you received an invite them go and support him. Don't be too butt hurt that you are not IN the ceremony, just be glad he wants you there at all. Remember even though your feelings are hurt its HIS day, don't ruin it for him.

Answer 2

What I would do is reach out again to your son.  Call him and tell him that he is your son, you love him and whatever happened between his mother and you has nothing to do with your love for him.  Also tell him that you truly apologize for any hurt and misunderstanding he felt and if you can do anything to make it up to him you would.  Also, indicate that you want to start fresh and be included in his wedding.  Tell him also you don't expect to be included in the wedding party, and you understand the fact of his step father being his best man, but you want to be included in the happiness of his special day.  I don't understand how he can hold so much resentment toward you if you always kept contact with him and took him places and tried to be a father to him even though you and his Mother were divorced...Just try again and also speak with his fiance too...she may be able to convince him to change his mind.  Good Luck

Answer 3

I can relate.  First things first.  Don't be bitter towards your son.  It sounds like he is getting a lot of pressure from his mom and step-dad.  I know it's not easy, but try to respect his wishes.  Especially on this special day.  Be proud of him.  Don't worry about the invitation or any other detail.  In other words, don't make your son's special day all about you.  No matter how special this day is for him or you, it's only one day!  You will still have a relationship with him (and his wife) for years to come.  Remember he loves you and someday he may bring your grandchildren to you so you can do all those things with them also.  Go to the wedding and keep a smile on your face.  Good Luck!

Answer 4

We dont know whether you were a good father or not, but either your son feels you werent, or he is being threatened by his mother to not include you, or he is playing favorites toward his mother.

I think you should ask your son whether he wants you there or not. Let him make the decision for you.  

Answer 5

oh my gosh i am so sorry to hear that. your son and his family is being very selfish about this and i do not understand how he could be upset because you and his mom got divorced at the age of four. but if you were invited then go and support the best way you can. i would suggest talking to your ex-wife to see what all is going on. anyways i wish you the best of luck and if everything doesn't play out right remember what goes around always comes back around/

Answer 6

Sounds like he is still carrying around alot of hurt, which is a shame considering he is now a grown man. Knowing his actions were deliberately hurtful sounds a very sad and immature way to conduct onesself. I'd say you should still go. I'm sorry your son hasn't grown into a man who understands sometimes things don't work out.

Answer 7

Oh my.  I am so sorry.  Seems that your ex-wife has twisted his mind.  I know because this is the same thing that my husband's mom did to him for many years until he re-connected with his father and found out what a great guy he was.

Anyway, PLEASE GO to the wedding.  It is really, really, really hard, but don't say anything.  Get a nice suit (or tux?) and have your wife get a nice dress.  Put on your best face possible and be there for your son.  You will NOT regret it.  Hopefully his soon to be wife can talk some sense into your son.  As you said, she already has told him how nice it is that his father is in his life.  

Good luck to you and I hope your son comes around.  

EDIT:  Do not listen to Blunt.  She is the typical bride where everything reflects around HER or HIM.  It's obvious from all her answers.  She is....well...Blunt (and rude!)

Answer 8

I am sorry.  This is a tough situation.  I can only imagine how badly you must feel.  It sounds like your son is really bitter that you divorced.  I would think that maybe his mother told him things to turn him against you.  She isn't being fair.  You should go if you are invited and make the best of things.  You will be the better person.  Just don't get into any disagreement with anyone.  You don't want to ruin the wedding day.  What happened is in the past but you should talk to your son and let him know how much you love him and that the divorce had nothing to do with him and that you would like to have a close relationship.

Answer 9

I totally understand your pain.  It sounds like you did everything you could to be a good dad, but your son is immature and nursing old grievances.  Perhaps his mom encouraged these?  I don't know.  What about sitting down with him and his fiance and trying to get to the bottom of it?  It sounds like she would be a more understanding listener and perhaps able and willing to act as somewhat of a go-between.  Tell them that you are feeling unwanted at the wedding and you are trying to decide if that is their intention.   Your post is very heartfelt; if you could present your case to them in the same way, I am hopeful that she at least would hear you and help resolve the situation in some less hurtful way.

I wish you the very best in a difficult situation.  I am so sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like your second wife is a more caring and compassionate woman than your first.  In the long run, I do think your son will grow up and see things as they really are, but that is perhaps no consolation right now.  Hang in there!

Answer 10

Two children of divorce have the odds against them.  Go to the wedding but hire a professional photographer to just stop by the reception, ask son and new wife to step outside for a couple of pictures.  Then pay professional to minutely retouch photos until Bride & Groom look like movie stars!  As a woman, the bride will be happier than a pig in sh*t when she sees them and these photos will end up on the mantle...drive your Ex nuts!!!  Worth every penny

Answer 11

Go To The Wedding? Come On, Its Your Son. He Didnt Say DO NOT Come. I Would Go And Support Him, And His Choices. I Do Think You Guys Need To Have A Talk Though. Divorce Is Tuff, But Dont Reflect It On Other People.

Answer 12

the 2 of you need counseling to find out what the disconnect is- you perceive you were a good dad but he does not.  I don't have his side of the story but it sounds like he thinks there is a reason you shouldn't be there.  it sounds like he doesn't understand that just because you couldn't be married to his mother doesn't have anything to do with your duties as his father.

Answer 13

you better go and prove you'll be there for him even when he's testing you. if you don't go, he will always use it against you. if you think it'll ruin his day, ask him if he really wants you there or not. he might really not want you there. but go if he says he does, and act happy, you don't want to make his other guests uncomfortable.

Answer 14

That's a tough situation, and I'm sorry to hear that your son can't appreciate how lucky he is.

While I know that it will be uncomfortable for you at the wedding, you should still go. Your son is a young man, and unfortunately, until he has to experience the "greys" of life for himself, he will continue to see the world in an unrealistic black and white. He doesn't have the benefit of remembering how unhappy you and his mother were together, and undoubtedly, like in most divorces, his mother was very hurt and expressed her anger towards you in inappropriate ways. We both know a 4 y/o didn't harbor that sort of anger on his own for 22 years.

As he gets older and experiences the difficulties of marriage, or (god forbid) has to go through a divorce of his own, he will better understand your position and will regret all the times he left you out of his life. By going to his wedding even though he deliberately insulted you, you are reinforcing the fact that you will always be there for him. Also, you don't want to miss out on such an important even in your son's life, even if he is being very immature about it. I invited my father to my wedding (although he did not give me away) and I had only seen him 7 times since he and my mother divorced when I was 2 years old. I know it's hard to see now, but this will mean so much to him later. It's so easy for young people to know "exactly" how they would act in a situation that they have never had to actually deal with, and I'm sure you remember being that age and knowing what was best for everyone else.

So, go to the wedding, have a nice time, take your own pictures, and continue to foster a good relationship with his soon-to-be wife. Even if he never comes around, in the coming years she will be the key to seeing lots of your grand-children and being invited to their family functions. At least he seems to be marrying a woman who appreciates how good he has it. Sometimes, when someone has never experienced REAL loss or hardship, he or she will magnify small hurts so as to not be left out of the "human experience". That seems to be what your son is doing now, and he will regret it later when he has more life experience to draw from.

Good luck!  

Answer 15

Be the bigger person.

Go--with humility and love in your heart--in celebration of your son's new bride.  You can't make someone love you.  But you can love them, still.

Answer 16

Obviously your son is still mad at your for divorcing his mother. But why? Did you ignore him during the divorce? If not, then maybe his mother has pumped his head full of bulls***t. Does he know the real reason why you and his mother divorced? If not, then maybe you should explain it to him now that he is a grown man.

Also, it seems like your son is confused. He seems like he's having difficulty determining the difference between a biological dad a step father. I know it had to hurt, and I'm sorry you are in this predicament. But, in the end, he is still your son. Even though you feel he made a bad decision, who doesn't? Everyone makes mistakes and he will soon realize his. That's how we learn, right? I say go to the wedding and try to make the best of it. You're there for him and his new bride.

If anything else, talk to his wife to be. Maybe she can get your point across better. I hope everything works out for you and good luck!

Answer 17

Well, if you didn't PAY for anything, then they are under no obligation to include you in the invite. Obviously, the step dad was more involved, and **ehem** didn't have to be ASKED to contribute, so he gets the credit.

Listen mister, you do not need to be asked to help //// it was YOUR responsability to approach him when you learn that he was getting married.

Now suck it up, attend the wedding tto at least support your son by being present.

Don;t you see that this is NOT about YOU, but him. You continue to keep on missing the point... haven't you learn after all of these years?

Good luck

Answer 18

this is such a sad story, and im sorry u have to go thru this. u should go though and be the bigger person!!! dont be a brat about it and not go...=(

Answer 19

I think you should still go. Obviously, there is much work to be done to repair your relationship...I think that this is a wake up call for you. Something is missing from your relationship with your son. Maybe you felt that you were always there for him, but obviously he doesn't feel that way.

Good luck.

Answer 20

Go. Set aside the hurt and go. Your son is carrying some sense of abandonment already so if you don't go, that will just perpetuate that notion.

By going, you prove to him that you ARE in his life and are interested in him.

One day, when he's older and more mature and away from the influences of others, he will come around to reconnect. That you attended his wedding even when he was trying to hurt you will gnaw at him and he will come around to make some sort of peace with you.

Show him the way, Dad, to being a good and considerate man and potential father.

And take a camera... ask your wife or someone else to be sure to snap photos of you with your son and his bride.

Hope this helps.

Answer 21

Go and support him and be the bigger person in all this.  Enjoy you time and see your son get married.  

Answer 22

If you received and invite, go but don't make waves.  Enjoy the time in solace if you have to.

Answer 23

He has been brainwashed.  Hopefully time will heal this and as he grows into his own family he will see what a butthead he has been.

Answer 24

Go to the wedding..maybe he will see that yes you left your mom but you will always be there for him...and I understand how his stepdad is his dad and your the father..his step dad was there and raised him..when i get married my step dad will walk me down the Aisle

Answer 25

I would go.  If you don't show up that's only going to reinforce the notion that you're not that close to him and that they were right not to include you in the wedding.  Show up, get them a very generous gift, and act very supportive and chances are his wife will be telling him after the fact that they were wrong not to have included you more.

Answer 26

Why do you expect such a reaction from your son?

Time is the solution. Wait and see. Please do not try to change people including your son. You have done many things without his knowledge and without taking him into confidence ( I feel so). He is doing what he feels right. History repeats. Take it coolly. Please do not attend his marriage, when he is not inviting you. Why do you cut sorry figure.

Sorry to hear this dear!

This is life - this is living.

Answer 27

Yes, you should go. He might be on a little revenge trip right now and is very preoccupied with getting married, but if you don't show, that could do some serious damage later on. I realize you are hurt, I would be too, but I hope that in the future he will come around and see that you have been making all the effort to remain a part of his life despite all his preconceived notions. Be the bigger man and still act like his father; ie, always being there for him no matter what.

Answer 28

Go to the wedding, but I would try calling your son, asking him out to see, and clear the air. From what you've described, it sounds as if you have been a part of his life as much as any divorced parent can be. His mother remarried, so of course that other man saw more of him, but that doesn't make you any less his dad. I think it's insensitive and tacky of them to attempt to erase you on his wedding day. My cousin's father was horrible, never there for them, never paid support, or anything and they allowed him and his most recent trampy girlfriend to be there. Her mother, and stepfather put aside any animosity they might feel for the day, and my cousin included both fathers in the ceremony.