Divorced parents, please tell me what you think?

Question

My friend is getting divorced. It is a nasty messy divorce with kids. While she & I are without kids I let her rant on and say whatever she needs to in order to get things off her chest. I support her and want her to feel better someday about all of this after time has passed.

I have told her please don't say anything bad about your soon to be ex in front of my kids or you kids while they are around.

Yet every time our children play she spouts off terrible things about her soon to be ex husband, I try to stop her and she just keeps going. I have explained my kids definitely don't need to hear any of this. My preference would be she not say things about her ex in front of her own children as this insults their father, which is hard on them, it puts them under terrible stress.

She is now angry that I will not do play dates with her because I do not want my kids to hear the nasty things she says about her ex. I still will watch her kids while she runs errands.

What suggestions do you have?

Answer 1

I think you did the right thing.  You're right -- its not fair to her children to keep hearing bad things about the man they love and cherish.  And, it really isn't fair to your kids to be in the position of having to hear such rubbish.  

Answer 2

tell her the truth that you dont want your kids exposed to her language or whatever she is saying about him and you would appreciate it if she would set a good example for the children

Answer 3

Hi, I would suggest that you tell her in no uncertain terms that play dates are just that. Play time for our kids! We need to keep that time fun and that is all I will allow.

I am here to listen if you want to vent, but it will not be in front of any kids, yours or mine.

We need to find a separate time for that.

If she doesn't get that, then give up, at least for now.

Good luck and best wishes!

Answer 4

Good for you for standing your ground with her.  Going through a divorce is very traumatic.  This doesn't excuse her for talking that way in front of the kids.  Just remind her that you don't mind if she vents with you, but you won't accept that with kids around.  If she can't handle that, then cut your time with her.

My stbx is being very nasty.  But I still don't talk about it in front of the kids.  He does, and they are in enough stress as it is with the divorce, and he throws more on them, so I try very hard to keep my opinions to myself.  I use the phone in my room and close the door.  Or I talk when they are not around.

Answer 5

Her bagging on the ex can only have negative effects on the kids.

Answer 6

i think you are a very good mother to put your children before this obviously immature individual.. my mans ex is like that although it states in the divorce decree that neither parent is to badmouth the other in front of the kids... i wish i could offer some better advice, but hopefully as her divorce proceeds, she will realize that everything shoul dbe in the best interest of the kids, even if it means her having to be friendly with their father... its important and i think its so sad that women can be this petty... my man at least gives his ex the respect as the mother of his kids... she treats him like a sperm donor she was required to live with for 6 years.. makes me sick,.. good luck to you.. at least you know your kids bst interests were put first, and for you, thast what matters... maybe give her one more chance, tell her that the kids can come over and play, but you have to watch them and you and she can go out for coffee sometime if she needs to vent.. be truthful.. if she cant take it, too bad for her.. no wonder she's getting divorced

Answer 7

she has to get over her anger , the kids should not be subject to that. you are correct in doing what you are doing let her be mad she will get over it .

Answer 8

Tell her to shut the f--k up, what part of "I don't want to hear this **** don't you understand???"  

Answer 9

Your friend needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her.  Sure, divorce is rough, but she just needs to get over it.  You need to tell her that, and if she can't handle I wouldn't waste my time on her if she can't do what I request.  

Answer 10

It is so sad when kids are put in the middle.

I have a lot of experience with this because I am a child of divorced parents and I myself am divorced.

My mother badmouthed my dad nonstop when I was a kid. All it did, was make me hate her. Seriously. I felt like I had to take my dad's side because he wasn't there to defend himself.

You need to talk more about this with her and tell her that she is poisoning her children's relationship with HER, not their father, and that she needs to learn to stfu and get some counseling or whatever help she needs to control her feelings. It is so not fair for them to be exposed to this.

And if after a really serious conversation, she still doesn't change, I would end the relationship completely.

My own ex has done some horrible things. He owes a ton of back child support, etc. etc. etc. I have not allowed my 14 year old son to know about *any* of it. Every child deserves to grow up believing their dad is a superhero. I am totally serious about this. When they grow up, they will draw their own conclusions. Until then I intend to keep my mouth shut and stay friendly with his dad so that he doesn't have to be put in the middle.

Answer 11

Tell her to shut  her big mouth . Maybe that,s why they are getting a divorce she cant keep her trap shut