Do APs Talk down to Other APs because they want to make themselves feel more like a real mom?

Question

I wonder if APs on yahoo are so self righteous and trying to prove how humble and great they are while putting other AP mothers down (who dont pretend that they are perfect) to make them selves feel more like a real mom....

yA Know , that whole theory "put other people down to feel better about yourself"

Answer 1

[[[[Source: 1st mother... Something you'll never know nothing about]]]]

You write a post about people talking down to each other, and end it with the above statement?  What's the matter?  Having a bad day and need to 'feel better about yourself'?  What a hypocrite.

**But, then again, after re-reading it, you wrote a double negative.  Therefore, you were actually giving a compliment.  That must have hurt.

Answer 2

Twylite,

Based on your previous statements, I can only say that you come across as very negative towards first parents. I don't pretend to be a better parent than anyone else...though, again, I would never tell my achild nor suggest in a forum, that he was 'thrown away by his mother' or that 'nobody wanted him'. If you are literally saying that your achild was thrown away and that his parents and extended family wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, then fine...but I still wouldn't phrase it that way, to the public or my child.

I think that there are very few women who legitimately do not want anything to do with their child ever.

I am not great or wonderful. I am not self-righteous or condeming. This is a forum about adoption. Many people will agree and disagree with you on a variety of issues. I am often in the religion section, though I am a nonbeliever. I have always been fond of religious thought, philosophy, and history. It is interesting that this same complaint comes up often there as well. The fact is, they can go to church to find people who agree with them on every single spiritual issue, where people will not question or provoke in any way. But this isn't church...and this isn't your family and your happy little secluded life. Here, the real world is thrown at you--both good and bad.

Before coming here, I believed adoption was all sunshine and roses and puppy dogs and unicorns. These people you call self-righteous have taught me a lot about adoption. I am thankful for their input, I am thankful that they blazed the trail, that they asked the questions, that they found many answers lacking, that they bother to care enough about my AChild to tell me the honest truth. If you aren't getting the same love from them, perhaps you should look at your questions and your answers. I, just like you, am an AP.....I originally got some nasty responses....then, I started listening and changing how I looked at adoption. If you don't want to change or listen, so be it, but don't expect others to respect your viewpoint....especially if you are attacking first mothers.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 3

I don't think adoptive parents put down other adoptive parents...  however, I do see alot of other people (some foster parents, adoptees, and non-triad people hiding behind avatars) putting down adoptive parents, YES.

Adoptive mothers are real mothers...  and not all of them are infretile.

Answer 4

Yeah, because "real moms" are mean and self-righteous and talk down to people all the time.

Say what? Maybe you'd better go back to the drawing board with this theory.

Answer 5

This Q is almost funny. Especially coming from someone who called me a nasty name just a few days ago in response to a rather factual post I made to another person's Q! I see that comment has been deleted or removed or I would post the link. Most of your Q & As come across as very mean spirited towards some member of the "triad".

I think you just don't understand adoption yet. We are trying to help you "get it" a little better. Not a single person here is "PERFECT" - including you, but most of us try to help each other because we are trying to make things a little better - not tear each other to shreds.  

Answer 6

* Source: 1st mother... Something you'll never know nothing about*

Wow, you are quite the little Twit aren't you? Did you just come here to mock people’s infertility? Does THAT make you feel more like a "real" mom?  Just because you all your kids came from your "Vajajay" doesn’t make you anymore a real mom that it does an adoptive parent. It just means that adopted children have more than one set of parents.

*yA Know , that whole theory "put other people down to feel better about yourself"* ...Ummmm OK, and what the h**l are you doing then? You must feel pretty crappy about yourself if you are attacking adoptees and Adoptive parents. I think you need therapy!  

Answer 7

Gosh sweetie any animal can give birth and some eat their young.

The only thing that seperates human mothers from animal mothers is the way we treat our young.

It is ironic how people on here point out that adoptive moms are not "real moms' but on the same hand demand that adoptees be treated the same as biological children.

So if I was never a "real mother" to begin with why does it matter?

I mean they should just be grateful for food, clothing and shelter. Just long enough so they can survive to find their "real mom". ---- Right?

So since I am only going to give birth to two of my children what should I do with the adopted one? Give her back? Make her a servent? I mean after all according to sources on here she will never feel a part of this family even though she is biologically related. Oh I know what perhaps we shoud start euthanizing adopted children since they did not have the fortune to have been aborted in the first place. Wouldn't this really solve the problem? (she says sarcastically) Should third world countries euthanize all orphans before we greedy Americans get our hands on them? Wouldn't this solve the population problem? And for those that continue to breed the government can enforce a one child policy. I am sure someone could come up with a catchy title since genocide makes people so uncomfortable.

Seriously some statements on here make no sense and people just talk in circles.  Yours is a perfect example.

ETA

   "Pretend mommy" is something young children play. At the end of the night the pretend baby gets placed back in the toybox. Last time I checked my DD was not sleeping in a toybox and had very real asthma. Would you recomend this "pretend mommy" pretend to care and give pretend medicine? Your ignorance makes you cute some how, in an naive way.

Answer 8

"Source: 1st mother... Something you'll never know nothing about"...talk about self righteous!!!!

I am BOTH a 1st mom AND and adoptive mom. I don't try to talk down to any other mom or pretend to be humble or whatever...I express my opinions which other ppl may or may not agree with.

No one is perfect. Not adoptive moms, not birth moms..No one. Oh and by the way adoptive moms ARE REAL MOMS. They may not be birth mothers, but they sit up with their children when they have a fever, they cheer their child's acomplishments and the LOVE their adopted kids JUST AS MUCH as you love your birth cihldren.

I know this because I feel the same way towards my adpted daughter as I do my birth children.

Answer 9

I don't talk down to anyone else unless they are just plain mean. I state my opinions and talk about my experiences and yes, I judge.

*When someone asks how to word an adoption announcement in order to ask others for money to fund the adoption...I judge.

*When someone asks how much money they can make by fostering children...I judge.

*And when someone comes on here spewing anger toward others: APs/adoptees/first parents...I judge.

As for feeling like a "real mom": I already do, thanks. I adopted my son and I *am* his real mom. There just happen to be two of us who are his mother: his first mother and me. I'm no less "real" than any other mother in the world. I love him, I comfort him when he has a stomach ache, I make his school lunches, I supervise his homework, I take him on vacations, and I, yes, occasionally get upset with him! He's a REAL kid and I'm a REAL mom.

I may never know *anything* about being a first mother, but at least I know proper grammar rules in English.

Answer 10

I find it very disturbing that you would make a comment to someone about not being able to have children through childbirth when infertility causes a lot of pain for women. I also find it ironic that your question deals with "talking down" between women who are aps, while you, yourself, have made such a stinging and hurtful comment.

Did you do that in order to feel better about yourself?

Answer 11

I am also lost how would someone pretending to be prefect make them feel like a "real" mom?  No one is prefect no adoptive mother is prefect and no biolgoical mother is perfect. No person is perfect.

Answer 12

I think there are a lot of people on this site...APs, PAPs, BPs, Adoptees, Social Workers, on this site trying to proove something.

How PC they are, how evolved they are.

How victimized or martyed they are.

How angry they are.

There are also some really good people on here sharing and learning.  You know a lot like life..good, bad and ugly.

ETA: Source "First Mother something you'll never know anything about."

That is just plain mean, hateful and nasty!  I've been infertile, and though we were blessed to finally conceive.....that is just mean spirited and ugly!

Answer 13

I never talk to down to anyone- regardless if they are a birth mom, another adoptive mom, or an adoptee.  Pretending that we are perfect only proves that we are not.  Where do you get the idea that we are self-righteous. You seem to know that no one else would understand what a first mom is. So what do you call that?