Do I HAVE to go through an agency for adoption or do I have other options?

Question

My husband and I would like to adopt an infant. More specifically, we live near a maturnity home and there are lots of pregnant mothers that live there who would like to have their child go to an adoptive family. We have contacted several agencies and the costs are outrageous (between $7,000-12,000) and if we are going to pay that much we would much rather give it to the birth mother. So theoretically here is what we would like, if possible (this is where you come in, is this possible?): We contact the maturnity home, let expecting mothers know we would love for them to interview us and see if we are what they want for the parents, offer $5,000 or so to them, pay for all legal fees, and then eventually adopting the child. Can we just go to a lawyer instead of an agency? Do we have to do classes (homestudies, etc) or is that only if we go through an agency? Would this way be quicker? I know I can probably find the answers somewhere else, but this is just preliminary. Thank you!

Answer 1

You cannot give money to the mother, because that is not legal. You might be able to pay for medical care during the pregnancy, and sometimes for rent and food also, but that would not apply in this case, probably.

It might be possible to go through an adoption attorney instead of an agency. You would still have to have a homestudy. State laws vary on what this entails or whether classes are involved.

The maternity home may not allow direct contact with the mothers, either. And they may already be connected with an agency.

And agencies provide services you may not be considering. There is the homestudy, of course, which is not a small issue and which you will have to do anyway. And if they are a good agency then there are classses--and you SHOULD take classes, because all parents can benefit from classes, because adoptive parenting can sneak up on you without the constant reminder of the growing belly, and especially because adoptive parenting has issues that "regular" parenting does not.

And an ethical adoption agency will provide counseling for the mother. Mothers considering relinquishing their child for adoption deserve and need a lot of counseling. Many decide to raise their children themselves, and this is very often the "right" decision. You do not want a baby that the mother later thinks you stole -- do you? These young women in the maternity home are very vulnerable. An ethical agency will give the mother counseling both before and after the adoption. And there is often counseling for the adoptive parents as well.

Take a look at this blog from a woman who relinquished her second child (she is still raising her first). Heartbreaking, isn't it? Do you want to be a party to something like this?

http://younevergetoverit.wordpress.com/2...

Please think about all of this. I don't mean to be harsh. I understand oh so well the burning need to parent. After many pregnancy losses my arms and heart just ached for a child. But the quickest, easiest way may not be ethical, and you really don't want to start your relationship with you child that way.

Best wishes to you.

Answer 2

If indeed you are concerned with morals and ethics, consider how much $5,000 might help a young mother parent her child. Often expectant moms are concerned about finances and being able to provide for her little one. Further until one actually gives birth, it is impossible to realize the bond that one has with her child. Adoption is something frightened mothers consider.  Until there are major reforms, infant adoption in the USA if fraught with SERIOUS ethical problems.

Please investigate the impacts of separation of mother and baby. If you absolutely must be "parents" and are incapable of having your own, please look to providing homes to older children who are without family.  Better yet use your time and resources to help support vulnerable mothers keep their children

Answer 3

Sorry, what you are considering is illegal baby selling.  Go to the agency and leave the moms alone.  Many states no longer permit private adoptions because abuse and illegal adoptions were so rampant.  $7,000-12,000 isn't outrageous when you consider that the average vaginal birth is $6-8,000 and $24,000 if it's a c-section.

Answer 4

I'm sorry the answers you have received are so ugly. What they are trying to express - albeit in a negative way - is that what you are suggesting is illegal in part. You can not provide a birthmother with any thing of value in return for her decision to place her baby with you. If you go through an adoption agency, you can pay the agency and the agency can pay the mother's bills - food, medical, necessities. But you can not do this on your own. It will only lay the grounds for the birthmother to come back later and say that you "paid" her for the baby and she now wants it back.

If you truly would prefer to do this without going through an agency, you can do a private adoption through an attorney. Using this method however, you are not able to pay for ANYTHING for the mother or the baby until it is placed in your home.

It sounds as if money is an issue for your family, so I would advise looking into adopting through Child Protective Services. Sometimes it costs as little as $2500 and that is still a tax write off. There are so many children in this program that need loving homes.

Answer 5

Oh my!  The only thing that trumps the impracticality of your adoption plan is the illegality.  It is strictly against the law to pay $5,000 to an expectant mother to buy her child.  The only people who are permitted to profit from the brokerage of human flesh are adoption agencies and adoption attorneys.

Although you live near a maternity home, I suspect that the pregnant residents are highly unapproachable.  They are watched carefully by the operators of the home because their unborn babies is how the operators make their living.  The staff of the home will not allow encroachment on their "goods".

And do you think that unfortunate pregnant residents of maternity homes care so little for their children that they would place them with a family without a home study?  If you want to adopt legally, I see no way of getting around the required home study.

I am sure that you are a wonderful family, but infant adoption is big business and is very competitive.  If low cost is what you are looking for, adoption through the foster system or through your church are great options.

Please educate yourself about the pitfalls of domestic infant adoption so that you don't get scammed.

Answer 6

Private adoption .

Basically make a contract between the birth mother and yourselves and have the judge sign off on it .

You cannot pay the BM but you can pay the medical expenses.   I don't see why you cannot give her a gift though.(off the record)

My brothers ex-wife adopted out he kid without an agency or parenting classes. different states may have different requirements . She didn't even let him know about the adoption until it was done.

I don't see what is so negative about the ability to do the process without "BIG-BROTHER" getting involved.

Answer 7

Yes, you can proceed with a private adoption rather than an agency, but you will still need to have certain paperwork and things like a home study done to insure your home is safe.  Please speak with an attorney or an agency though to discuss your options.  Many states will actually stop an adoption from being finalized if they find out any money changed hands between an adoptive family and bio family.  You are able to contribute to "expenses" but please make sure that you have all your ducks in a row before handing a bio mom money or it could jeopardize the adoption.  

Good luck to you and your journey.

Answer 8

Yes, you can adopt without going through an agency. A lawyer will tell you everything you need to do. Paper will be drawn up for the birth-parents to sign before and after the birth. The lawyer will work with you during the initial period that the birth-mother is given to change her mind. If everything goes smoothly, your lawyer will present the papers to a judge and the adoption will become final. The agencies are basically for people who either can't or don't want to locate a child themselves. They do all the work for you. If you can find a willing mother, there is no reason to go through the adoption agency. Be careful though, many people are scammed by women for money. Make sure the mother is truly willing because if she changes her mind, you'll be out the money and the lawyers fees. Best of luck to you..

Answer 9

So you don't want to go through a homestudy, and you want to buy a baby directly from an expectant mother?

=o(

That is illegal and unethical.

Edit: Paying the expectant mother for her child is buying a baby.  It is a black market deal.  She would be making a profit off of giving you her baby.  It is absolutely unethical, illegal and highly offensive.

I wish you well on your journey to adopt though.  Please use legal and ethical means to get there.

Answer 10

Adoption is supposed to be in place to provide a safe and emotionally healthy home for a child who needs one.

Until a mother places her child (born or unborn) for adoption, that child is not available.  To go searching for a child using the method you describe is not only predatory but unethical.

I appreciate that you may have everyone's best interests at heart, but you haven't indicated that you have done much research on adoption, adoptees, or ethics.  Many well-meaning people have not thought through the ethics because they are so focused on just obtaining a child.  They may be completely unaware of the pitfalls for all involved.

I truly hope you will make the effort to educate yourselves so that you can feel confident, when you do adopt, that you are placing the child's interests above your own.

My best recommendation is that you get licensed to become a foster-to-adopt family.  You'll get a lot of great information and education along the way, and will be better prepared to make an ethical decision for all involved.

Answer 11

I'm not sure if this is even legal. You are going to get a LOT of negative answers on here...consider yourself warned!