Do I call you Mommy?

Question

Quick Update: I will be getting my cousin a little sooner. Instead of the 30th, she will be here Monday! This is because school starts the next Monday, and we don't want her to start already behind. Anyway, when I talked to her last night and told her the good news, she was super excited and started asking all kinds of questions. Like "will I have my own room" and "what time do I have to go to bed" which are all simple enough, but there was one that got me. She asked "Do I call you Mommy?" and I was not sure what to say. I told her she can if she wants but she does not have to.

Question: For those of you who have adopted older kids, do they call you mommy? How about those of you raising family members, do they call you the actual relation you are or mommy? If she does decide to call me mommy, will I need to explain to her teachers and such why my daughter is only 8.5 years younger than me? How do I do this with out constantly refering to her as "adopted"?

Answer 1

just say its fine to call you mom, or mommy... but only if its comfortable for her and you, just explain the story to the tachers privatly, they will understand the situation

Answer 2

A friend of mine adopted her grand kids and they call her Mommy Dina. No you don't have to explain to everyone she is adopted. Let her call you what she feels comfortable with. Its a good thing you are doing!

Answer 3

You need to assure her that you ARE her Mom, but don't force her to call you that.  For awhile it may feel more right for her to call you whatever she has been calling you, but in time Mom will become who you are to her and what she calls you, especially when you are fulfilling the role of mom for her and your other daughter will be calling you Mommy.  As far as telling people at school, you don't have to explain upfront to everyone involved.  If they ask, or comment that you look young,  simply tell them you are her mother, and you can add that she was adopted if it feels appropriate.  Let her take the lead about how much she wants to reveal about her own life.  You might, however, talk to a guidance counselor about what she has been through, though, so someone knows and can be there for her at school.  Ask her ahead of time if it's okay to tell the guidance counselor about what she's been through so that the guidance counselor can be someone she can talk to or go to if she needs to.  It sounds like you are going to do a good job and I wish you all the best.

Answer 4

Because of your age I think she should be calling you by your first name.

Answer 5

Mommy.  What a wonderful thing to be called!  There is so much love in that word.  I would be so blessed to be called that if I were you. And if anyone wonders about your ages or the family make-up, you can explain discretely. Anyone who judges you needs help as you are doing what a real mommy should do!  God bless you both and best wishes.

Answer 6

you do not need  to say she is adopted,  she is your cousin living with you

Answer 7

You let the child know that if she wants to call you mommy that is fine but it won't hurt your feelings if she wants to call you something else.

Answer 8

Yes let the child call you mommy if she really wants to. That might help to strengthen the bond between the two of you.....

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Answer 9

You and the child need to make that decision yourselves.  Whatever you are more comfortable with.  

As for the teachers, I'm sure that they experience these types of things on more occasions than we expect.  If anyone would say anything you could just say that "Our family was blessed by the Miracle of Adoption".  It puts a positive spin on things, and I've found that people get a big smile and just go on with whatever they were talking about.  

Good luck to you.

Answer 10

i think that she can call you mommy if that is what is comfortable for her, but another suggestion is to call you by your given name, or find another "special name" for you, like a pet name or nickname.  a lot of it depends on the information and access you plan to give her about and to her biological parents as she gets older.  and as far as "explaining" the relationship to teachers, etc. it's not their concern.  i am sure you will have to give some kind of documentation to the school proving guardianship, but that will be in her file and should be sufficient.  if someone says something to you about it, politely tell them "thank you for their concern or interest, but what does this have to do with her education?" or flat out tell them, i am her provider, her guardian or her mom if thats what she decices to call you. that should be enough said. and if they say something about the age gap, tell them you just look remarkable for your age!!!

best of luck to you (and she!) and congratulations!

Answer 11

most older kids wouldnt theyde call you by realation which would just be your name older kids that get adopted call there adopted parents mom and dad or by their names try not to be hurt if she calls you by your first name though good luck!@

Answer 12

I am an adoptive mom and a foster mom and a bio mom.

We adopted our daughters internationally 2 1/2 years ago.  They started calling us mommy & poppy right away.  They now call us mom & dad.  They were school age when we adopted them, so already speaking & fully aware of their personal histories. :-)  We let them know that they had choices about what they called us (not our first names but other than that, we were flexible)....but then they weren't previously related to us.  I think that would make a difference.

All of our foster children have called us various things.  They call us "mama Mary" and "papa Bob" (not our first names really, but just an example).  They call us Mom & Dad, they call us Mr & Mrs Smith (not our last name, but an example).  Our foster daughter now comes in, wraps her arms around me & calls me Mama.  She calls my husband by his first name most of the time but he's with her for less time during the day.

We let all our foster children know that they can call us by our last names or Mr. Bob & Miss Mary (we live in the south & Miss <first name> is a big thing here) or any derivative of mom or dad they're comfortable with.  We let them make that choice.  

Don't worry about explanations in school or whatever.  On the paperwork you'll put down (until the adoption is final) that you're her guardian, I assume.  They may take a cue from that that she's not your biological child.

I doubt many people at the school will ask you about the age difference, but if they do you could simply answer with, "Yep, I was young when she was born."  A very true statement that doesn't deny or feel obligated to explain the situation.

You might want to have a meeting with your child's teachers -- if possible before school starts -- if you would like to explain.  This will help them to know that she's going through a transition right now & things might be a little off with her initially.

Every year before school starts we have a meeting with our youngest daughter's teachers.  She has some issues that require some special handling (special education needs, which they know about, abuse in her background not to mention the neglect...etc.).  This gives us an opportunity to give some basics about her background and how it might affect her performance & behavior...so they can be better equipped in teaching her.

Our other adopted daughter is in middle school, so I generally just send an email to her teachers letting them know that they can feel free to contact me via email or phone if anything comes up that they'd like to talk about.

I'd probably avoid the "she's adopted" conversation in front of your daughter if possible.  See if you can do it privately & discreetly.  This avoids sending her the message that she needs to "be explained" all the time.

I hope this helps!

Oh, one other piece of advice.  Sit down & have a candid conversation with her about how SHE wants you to respond to questions.  I get nosey questions in the grocery store (about having five kids, about having two girls who are hispanic & I'm a total gringo, etc.).  I've talked with the girls and all the kids about how they want me to respond.  Do they want ME to answer the question?  Do THEY want to answer the question?  Do they want me to sidestep the question (responding with, "why do you ask?" is a great way to do that).  See what she's comfortable with in different situations.  Let her know that you can revisit that topic anytime she wants & her desires might change over time.

Answer 13

I did not catch the age of your cousin but if she is old enough (maybe 7 or 8+) I would also prepare her in an according to her age talk to how people might react to the age difference or that other kids might ask very forward questions since she will be new in the class and  then tell her how to handle it AND that it all doesn't matter because you love her and family is most important not other people and what they think.

I think you did a great job by given your cousin a home and a better live!!!

Answer 14

Let her call you whatever she is comfortable with.  Please don't feel the need to explain to others unless asked then answer with a reply you are also comfortable with.  From experience whether you have biological children or not you will love her the same and just as intensely as your other children.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 15

You did the right thing by telling her that she could call you mommy if she would like to. The only way you will have to explain is if you are asked. The school system may ask for the benefit of the child. You do not have to have the discussions with the teacher in front of her. When having  discussions in reference to her being you biological child or not, excuse her from the room so you don't have to worry about her getting offended. After-all, she is your baby now. I think it takes an outstanding person to take on a child in need. God Bless and Good Luck.

Answer 16

If she wants to call you mommy and you're okay with it, why not let her?  No harm done.  You won't have to explain anything to people.  Who would ask?  It's non of their business. But if they do, you can say, yes she's adopted, and I love her like my own.  Show people you're proud of her, and she'll feel more happy and secure.  After all she knows she's adopted.  I have a stepdaughter, and she looks a little old to be my daughter.  Sometimes people will say "Don't tell me she's your daughter?"  And I say "Almost, she's my hubby's daughter".  And I say it as I put my arm around her and give her a big kiss on the cheek.  She loves it.  And feels proud that I'm proud of her.

:)

Answer 17

i think you should start out by her calling you by your name,then just let it be a natural progression to mommy or whatever she chooses. just let her know it is her choice what to call you,and you are happy with what she chooses!(within reason of course!)

Answer 18

She can call you anything she wants to, but she is probably just so anxious to have a "mother" that she wants to speed things up a bit!

Let her know that people might ask questions all the time because of how young you are, but if she is o.k. with that, then try it out.  Tell you you will try out for one week her calling you by your name, then another week, Mommy, then another week Aunt.  Then decided which one felt better.

People ask questions, and you will get tired of it no matter what.  And so will she.  Talk about that.  But reassure her that as long as you two are comfortable with your relationship, love each other, then nothing else is that important!

Good luck!