Do I divorce now or separate and wait and see?

Question

My wife of two decades broke to me that she cheated on me several years ago. Im angry, I cant get it out of my mind, and have tried to forgive her the past ten months since she finally told me. Even after millions of hours of counseling, I cant decide if I want to divorce her becasue I cant trust her or forgive her at this point.

What about REALLY seperating, selling our house, splitting everything like a divorce, and living apart to see if time will give me the answer I need or forgivenessI cant seem to find right now?

Any thoughts please?????

Answer 1

Well, you can't change the past.  This sucks for you.  It would be the greatest thing for you to forgive her and find peace within yourself.  Some can't do it.  Okay almost everyone can't do it.  I couldn't if I found out immediately about it.  But since it happened years ago, maybe it's worth a shot to forgive.  Trust is something earned in my book, however it must be given out a little to.

Answer 2

that is a tough one...if she cheated on you and you have went through counseling....i would seperate first and then if that didn't work, unfortunatly i would say to divorce...cheating is grounds for divorce

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 3

It's a tough one... We had to deal with a similar situation with my ex (yeah, ex).

A few thoughts on the subject:

Do you know why did she tell you about it? Maybe she actually wants to separate/divorce. Maybe not consciously. She could be unhappy in your marriage too, and it's her attempt at a way out.

Do you think you could have a little less trouble forgiving her if she was a lot more into fixing it.

Whould you be happier all by yourself than with her?

If you ask me about separating - I say it will most likely lead to a divorce. People get used to living apart. There is no such thing as not being able to live without one another, not unless you have a deep issue of co-dependence.

Divorce only if and only when you're ready. If you have doubts then don't divorce.

Try http://www.marriagebuilders.com It talk a lot about infidelity, when to call it quits, when and how to get over it.

Answer 4

I think you have two choices.  stay or leave.  If you stay everything has to be put out in the open and she has to know exactly how you feel. she also has to come clean.. was it only once, or multiple times with multiple partners over the years.  If it were me, I would want to know exactly what the situations is/was. Does she still feel compelled to see other people.  Either way the choice is yours.  If It were me, I would untuck my tail from between my legs grow a pair of TEXAS sized onions and find a younger woman that appreciates you.  even if it is only for a little while.  It will help you get over the life in paradise you thought you were living.  Life is too short. End the nightmare and decide one way or the other. Tuck the tail or grow some onions.      

Answer 5

If you completely separate, sell house, etc, you will be destroying everything you have built or done together. Nothing to go back to. Maybe you should try another counselor. Our marriage was saved by counseling after my wife cheated. That was 35 yrs ago and we are still together, and have never mentioned it again. She learned why she did it and I learned how to forgive her. It took work, but was well worth the effort.  

Answer 6

Well,

Excuse me for being the blunt one to answer this, but, the fact that your are thinking about the two options, kinda means to me that you love this woman and really don't want to be apart. Yes she messed up, yes your hurt, (trust me i know how you feel), but did you ever think about how she felt when she decided to tell you about this situation? Not many men think about that part of it. And yes i know, it doesn't make you feel any better about the situation, but seriously think about what if you never knew anything about it. Would you still be thinking about about divorce or separation? Leaving her is not going to change the fact that it happened and neither is staying. So, you have to weigh your options here. The two decades that you and your wife spend loving each other and building a future, is it worth throwing away over a mistake or moment of stupidity?

Answer 7

Your only giving it 10 months?  And you've been married 20years?  Recovering from an affair takes a lot of time and heartache.  It can be done.  Be grateful that she told you and she should be grateful that you are willing to work through it.  I would give it more time.  You've put 20 years into this marriage, you deserve to give it more time to see if you can finally move past this.  Have you started dating again?  marriage conferences? pastors, elder couples? books?  The both of you need to do anything and everything to get through this...it can be done.  Good luck to you and keep you head up high, you'll get through it.  "avoiding the greener grass syndrome"...great book, only thing that got me through the affair.

Answer 8

I would say if you haven't forgiven her yet, you probably won't. Marriage is a partnership and commitment. And a commitment is something that shouldn't be broken. Several years ago, when she cheated on you, she broke that commitment. To me nothing could fix it. However, you are not me. I suggest you sit down and think really really hard about how you felt about her before she ever cheated, and how you feel about her now. Decide if you can even feel the way you felt before she cheated, if not, I suggest you do what you feel you have to. It's not easy going through something like that especially as long as you 2 have been together. Good luck!  

Answer 9

If you haven't forgiven her after 10 months and counseling, I really don't believe that you ever will.  

What you are suggesting about splitting everything and separating to see what happens is just a way to ease yourself out of your marriage.  You should just take the leap and get it over and done with.

Answer 10

I understand how you feel betrayed and you don't trust her. Did she tell you why she did it? Forgiveness will come with time and trust. Let her know how you feel without anger if thats posible. Tell her how you feel that you can not trust her and let her know you need her to regain your trust. If she loves you she will do whatever it takes. If she can't figure that out then you both need to see a marriage counselor that can act as a mediator and help your relationship. A Divorce is sooo messy and even though it's hard to believe right now it is possible for you to forgive her again and move on from this.  You need to ask yourself, even in the midst of anger, are you willing to spend the rest of your life with her or ultimately without her

Answer 11

first off, don't listen to that first answer...she's a quitter, thus a loser.

secondly, the trust issue will take years to earn back, if at all...that's just be truthful.

third, time AND effort from both parties is what it will take for you to forgive her, it's not easy, but then again, neither is being in a twenty year relationship...but there is light at the end...please read on:

However, if you are truly vested in the relationship AND you want it to work out,then it is worth the reconciliation. But, it takes a certain amount of effort to push through the situation and, depending on the circumstances and what was considered "cheating", then it can be overcome.

I mean, if she was with the person for several years, under your nose and had an abortion and stuff, was emotionally invested and treated you like c**p, then I could see the difficulty in forgiveness.

But, from my perspective, I see a woman who (presumably) stopped the affair on her own accord, tried to mend things on her own and was overcome by guilt throughout the years and broke down to tell you the truth (or at least part of the truth).

Then, let me guess, you wanted to hear all the details about it, mire in the particulars, find out the guy's name, where they ate together, where they met, danced at, how many condoms they used, when and if you were caught up in double dipping, what birth order the guy was in his family...everything.

Which, doesn't do much to help us heal, regardless of how many questions our mates answer on the cheating side, there are countless others that surface, so the goal here is to stop asking the questions and move forward into what makes your relationship exciting now AND rekindle what made the relationship exciting when if first started...there's obviously something there that binds the two of you together, otherwise you would have packed up and saved face.

The weird thing is, once you do have the chance to absorb this information and, regardless of the trust issue, the relationship can (and DOES) grow stronger once this is overcome. It's amazing as to what else the two of you can "take on" when this (seemingly the biggest of marital obstacles) is worked out. And, I'm careful to not use the word "solved" here, because it never will be solved...and it can't be taken back, so it's up to you...do you want to continue working with someone who you have invested this much effort, love and time into, knowing she was willing to discuss the "mistake", orrrr....

start over with someone new, and have to encounter all new arguments, mistakes and human errors all over again? Let's face it, when you're in a relationship long enough, ALL areas of trials and tribulations are covered by either or both parties...

the main problem with this world and it's relationships is; the enormous amount of shortsightedness most people look into the relationships at hand...then, they figure, well, there's someone out there that didn't hurt me (that probably will, in the future) and they HAVE to be better than what I have right now...not the case, my friend.

Like that first responder said, which is why most relationships fail these days, just forget about it, pack up and move on, is NOT the way to settle things and be happy and successful. Think back to the relationship when the cheating occurred. Was it rocky on both sides, would you have even been surprised by the event if she told you the moment after it occurred? People just don't get up one day and say:

"well, today I'm going to go out and find someone to have a fling with, because this relationship I'm currently in is so satisfying..."

There must have been some unsatisfying attributes to the relationship that lead to the cheating in the first place, and before we point fingers, we should realize we are BOTH in the relationship TOGETHER...so, it falls squarely on both parties shoulders as to the responsibility behind the disrespect in the first place. I don't play the "victim" status very well when I counsel people...so, I would challenge you to respect the fact that she shared it with you, because she didn't have to, as seemingly, up until now, you were unaware...and the fact that, for whatever reason, she is still around...

Somewhere in there, you should figure out why now? Why would she wait years to tell me this and why does she want to stay together? Not only that, but has the s*x been more exciting since then? or less engaging? If it was purely physical, maybe you two should dive into the idea that that area of your relationship may need some attention...

if it was emotionally driven, then that too was a crying out for some much needed attention that she wasn't getting at home. I know we are seeming to villainize the woman here with this example, but many of the male cheaters out there too often complain of the same "lack of attention" in those areas when they cheat.

good luck,

peace,

baldy