Do I expect too much when it comes to our daughter?

Question

I am wanting to know, HONESTLY, if I am asking to much of my partner when it comes to my daughter. I know he works to support us both (she is only 4months old) and he does about 42hrs a week. But I feel like he gets to come home, have a quick play then palms her off to me. I do 95% of the feeds, 95% of the nappy changes and when she wakes up early in the morning I tend to her so that he can sleep in. We both go to bed at the same time and as I am at uni I dont have the opportunity to nap when she naps. I dont expect him to do everything but it would be nice one morning a week, or one hour a day he took her complety out of my hands, I think he thinks I just sit at home and play all day not dealing with tantrums, washing, cleaning, feeding, playing, entertaining her let alone trying to complete my degree. Is this something I should be able to do? I am young and it was a shock so maybe I just dont have the mummy instinct yet? I know my mum did it, and did it well.

Answer 1

If you are questioning your instinct, imagine what he must be going thru.  Some (most) men are just afraid of infants, especially the first.  Once your child gets older he will get more and more comfortable with her.  Meanwhile make sure all three of you spend time together rather than trying to get away from the two of them for some alone time.  That way  he can adjust to the baby knowing you are there to rescue if needed

Answer 2

i think it would be a good idea to trade places. so, get him to stay at home looking after your daughter while you go to work. that way, he'll be putting himself in your shoes, and it would help him realise how hard it really is. at the moment, it seems like the way he thinks, he works a long hard week, so he doesnt have to make the effort to do the things you do for your daughter. will also be a good thing for him because it would mean he's not missing out on being a part of her life. if you continue with the way the two of you are going now, that's how it may turn out.

Answer 3

He needs to man-up and help you take care of the baby HE helped to create. A lot of men seem to think that once the s*x is over that their job is done....WRONG. Tell him on his days off that he needs to get up with the baby so you can get some sleep and get your school work done.

Answer 4

I see no reason why he can't share in the responsibilities of raising your little one to give you a little down time. That's part of being a father.  While he does put in 42 hour weeks and is probably exhausted when he comes home he still needs to understand that your job is not a piece of cake.  You both need to communicate more about what all is happening.  He obviously isn't aware.  If you don't mind I would make one observation.  Trying to complete a degree right now is not the best time- even if your mother succeeded.  I would hold off on that for a year or 2 (perhaps longer).    You have a lot on your plate already.

Answer 5

Just sit down and be honest with him.  Tell him how your feeling. Make sure you tell him that your very thankful of how he works hard you two and he is doing a great job.

Try making a log of everything you do during the day, and how long it took you to do it. Then when the time is right, you can show him your daily log with your child. Maybe he can see that you are not just doing nothing.

If that doesn't help. Maybe you can have a good friend help you out by watching the baby for a hour or just long enough for you to have a nap.

Answer 6

I don't think that you are expecting too much, if all that you're asking is some more shared responsibility from your partner. Tell him that you are tired and stressed, and a tired/stressed mommy is no good for the baby. (A baby really can "feel" your mood, and absorb it, more than you think.)

Have you told him all that you do, as described here? Maybe he doesn't know. On one of the days when he isn't working, feign overfatigue/sickness, and hand over your daughter to him (stay in the house to observe, or possibly to take over, in case he really can't deal with it). Maybe he'll be able to walk in your shoes for one day, and appreciate all that you do.

Answer 7

Honestly, I think this is the reason why children put strain on a marriage. Expectations that each has of the other. I don't think you are unreasonable in your request, everyone needs a break. Ask him. If he really can't do it, then see if your mother, or someone, would be willing to take her or come over for an hour a week while you take a break. But remember that even when you do get this break, if you don't remove yourself from the area completely, you will never relax mentally. As been my experience anyway...

Answer 8

Hey !

i think what you and your partner should do is sit down and work out a schedule.

hope i helped and good luck =)

Answer 9

I had this problem with my husband, for awhile.  Trust me little hints don't work.  Sit him down and explain to him calmly, that you need time off to.  Of course he doesn't understand what you do all day with the baby and everything else, Just like the mommies don't always understand what these guys do all day at work.  We havent been in each others shoes like that.  My husband and I set up an agreement that on the weekends I got to sleep in on Saturday and he got Sunday, that I ask for help before I have to scream for help.   Switch days on who puts the baby to sleep.   It is important to keep that communication open, it's stressful having a baby.  We just don't have a natural 24/7 drive...good luck girl.  Hope I helped a little!

Answer 10

I am not a mother myself but work in the child care industry and have studied in the early childhood area.

I can confirm that i have witnesed families and mothers in the long day care scene mention this same issue and turn to us for answers.

studying is just as hard as full time work, however i think you need to sit down and talk to your husband about this. Let him know you are stressed and finding it hard to juggle things. You need a steady routine for your study and home. Your husband needs to realise that caring for a child is a partnership and needs to be done by you both as a team.

All i can suggest is having a chat with your husband and talking about alternatives. Have you thought of child care? i know there is a substity given to working families with a parent going back to study which can reduce child care fee's dramatically. Communicate you needs and worries with your husband so he knows what the situation is then work together to resolve it.

hope i helped a little bit...

Answer 11

ITs not that you don't have the mommy instinct,its that you are juggling all this by yourself. My hubby was and sometimes still is the same way. I know he works hard to support both of us but having 2 kids and being pregnant and left to tend to EVERYTHING including him when he gets home takes its toll. I finally had to tell him(after 5 months of subtle hints that did not work for nothing) that I needed a little help. Just for an hour or so to take a shower with the door closed and monitors off,or to wash dishes with BOTH hands and legs free(without one child in one arm and the other attatched to my leg)  I told him I didn't expect him to come home and take the girls for the night,but just for maybe a half hour or an hour a week or something like that. He kindly agreed and life has been so much better since. It was getting so bad that we were starting to argue continuously due to ressentment that he just walked in took his shoes off and ignored the world while I was standing there with clumps of hair in my daughters' hands and food on the stove that is burnt due to a tantrum being thrown by my oldest.

It gets rough and you need to ask him  if he can give you just a half hour or so of alone time to get something done or just do NOHTING AT ALL! It really isn't too much to ask...I mean its not like you are telling him that he has to come home everyday and watch baby until he goes to sleep or making him get up with the baby in the morning.

The two of you should sit down and try to come to some sort of agreement on this situation before it gets bad(as mine did at one point in time) just let him know that you are greatful for him doing what he does to support you and baby but you really need a break every now and again...I'm sure he will understand and be happy to help out.

Best Of Luck

Answer 12

I think that this is a part of the mommy deal. My son likes me better so I do everything. My husband works up to 62 hour so we can have a great life and I stay at home....My husband will get his share soon enough when our son wants to hang out with his daddy more them his mama. I think daddy's feel more at ease when the baby can talk or he knows what they want, for now you know what your daughter wants and so he lets you deal with it.

Answer 13

I would basically just tell him everything you wrote down here. See how he reacts, hopefully he'll take what your saying and work with it. Make sure you present this all with reason and facts, doin't get too emotional or it will scare him. But make sure to show him how much of a strain this is putting on you.

Good luck

Answer 14

i think you need to tell him exactly what you have written here as thats what i do a day and im a single mum, so i believe its meant to be easier when your married lol

sometimes ppl dont realise that being a mum especially to a small baby that its a full time job that we never can knockoff too you know, like its day in and day out,

sit down with hubby and tell him that you need more support and time out, , there is nothing wrong in wanting time out from your child , itll be better for you and for her in the long run

goodluck

Answer 15

Interesting how most of the answers you received that thinks your partner should help more, gets thumbs down.  So go ahead and give me one anyone that so desires- but I feel that a husband/partner, etc needs to step up to the plate.  Maybe I was just very fortunate- but my husband worked full time, when our kids were little- he is disabled and unable to work now, and he helped out a lot. Instead of telling him, you are upset about this, ask him if he would mind taking the baby for a little while to give you a break-  you may not work outside the home, but I can tell you mothering is a full time job- and you need to have breaks like your partner does at work.

Answer 16

you are not a bad mom because you are young.and if anyone here knows what you are going through it is me.my husband works 10 hours a day BUT he has 3 days off a week.i am a stay at home mom to our 10 month old little girl.and i feel the same way.he is always on the computer or watching tv and trying to "relax" from work. i understand that.so here is what i did.i wake up with our daughter on days he works.he wakes up with her on his days off.his days off i get an amount of time like 2-3 hours where i do whatever i want weather it is cleaning or lying on my a*s!it seems to work very well.we just had to compromise.i hope this helped and i hope he listens when you try to talk to him..i know being at work is not fun but they act like taking care of kids is so much easier it is not...maybe sometimes but not always