Do I have OCD, or is this just anxiety or am I going insane. Should I just die?This is slowly killing me ?

Question

I am 30 yrs old and married since 5 yrs of Indian origin. I came here to US, soon after marriage. I remember always being an anxious girl even in college. Whenever there was some big exam coming up my anxiety got worse and I would not be able to study.I got married to a guy I was not attracted to but he's a very good person.(the match was arranged by my parents)I love him a lot now but I am not physically attracted to him even now.We have no kids yet but want to have one soon. Now my problem is when I came to US I used to keep thinking I deserved someone better bcoz I was so not attracted to my hubby. He loved me a lot and this slowly changed my attitude and I gave him a lot of support...BUT I had major issues with his parents as they had given me a hard time initially bcoz of their comments n taunts etc. They did not approve of this marriage. After all these years they really are much better to me and have hardly ever been nasty. They had a problem with my co-sis bcoz of which they softened even more toward me. They live miles away in India and I live here. We visit them and my parents every year. Life was getting better for me after 3 yrs of marriage when I came to know that my hubby had lied to me and helped them along with his bro- to get a visa to US. I know they have the right to come but he lied to me as I would blow my top if he had said the truth. I didnt forgive him and fought with him a lot even though I knew its not that big a deal. He apologized a lot. It felt like my world had shattered as I just could not forgive him. I made his life miserable for 6 months after that. Slowly I came back to normal and we were happy again. His parents visited for a month and left. No drama.

The real problem is this:

I just cannot trust him again. Every now and then I get suspicious that he is thinking something and is not telling me about it. I know hes not hiding anything from me but just that maybe he wants to call them again, maybe he is jealous when my parents come stay with me..maybe this maybe that..Ohh these thoughts make me crazy and I keep questioning every now and then about what he is thinking.

I am a housewife and have lot of time.

As for my husband,he is the sweetest guy ever and I feel bad for making his life sick bcoz of my uncontrollable thoughts.

He keeps reassuring me about what he is thinking an dthat he will always protect me from his parents, he will always listen to me, that I am the boss in this house etc etc..but I just cannot accept it..

I keep going on that anxious track every now and then.

Please help me identify this disorder. Please.

Answer 1

Hi, I just completed your short story:) and before I tell you what I think, I must say, your grammar is great for not being born in this country.  I am a medical student (not a doctor) and have studied psychology.  Unless you are leaving something out, let me assure you you do not appear to poses any symptom of OCD, paranoia, or any medical inability.  Rather you appear to be experiencing similar problems which not only women (although it seems to be higher in women) encounter but men also.  You were lied to.  You have much time on your hands.  With these two alone along with the human mind, your reactions are completely normal.  You wonder, doubt, think, feel, upset, love, etc.   These are very normal things.  As far as advice, you have not asked for any so it is non of my business to give any.

Answer 2

It is not a good idea for us to guess if you are sick or not on the internet. But you are in enough distress that it would be wise to speak to your family medical doctor or a  trained counselor.  Someone to just get some feedback from. No one can diagnose you by reading a couple of paragraphs you wrote on the computer.

I cannot say for sure but even if you had married someone you were attracted to at the time of marriage that attraction can come and go.If you are reading alot of romantic stories or watching soap operas on tv in your spare time and expecting your husband to guess at what you enjoy, it may take a long time for him to guess correctly. Is it possible that maybe you could communicate to your husband what you like as fars as romance is concerned,

I can understand your being upset that your husband kept somthing from  you. That in my opinion is not uncommon. I think there is a problem but you won't waste alot of your own time and you will  be able to put this behind you much sooner if you talked to a person with training such as your family medical doctor . You can also speak to your religious leader but I would probably start with my family doctor.  Marriage is a big adjustment. BIG. Any marriage. Even one that was made by your own choosing and even if you felt very attracted to that person prior to the marriage.

On top of being newlyweds you are also adjusting to a new culture and being away from close friends and relatives it makes it that much more difficult to adjust to a marriage even a good marriage. You deserve some much needed help. It would be a tragedy if the factors of a new marriage, new culture, new country, family and friends being far away became so overwhelming that you left the marriage or became ill because of the stress because you failed to seek the wisdom of a trained professional such as your family doctor. You are in over your head. On top of all this you feel your husband let you down, which he did, althought that was probably not his intention.When you can only take your hubby's word for it and he hid some things from you it will be difficult to trust him, he will have to earn your trust over time.

Would he go to marriage counseling with you? If your this upset and cannot get over it, he better start worrying about losing you. If he cares for you as much as he claims he will agree to go and talk to a professional if it will help your marriage.Tell him if nothing else that the two of you are having a communication problem. Most men can accept that without too much damage to their ego because communication is traditionally a womans domain.

  You mentioned you are thinking of having a child soon. Many times medical problems can cause emotional symptoms. You may have a medical problem or even clinical depression which can be treated and which should be diagnosed  before you start a family. Adding pregnancy and child-rearing to this already stressful situation is a mistake before finding out for sure if you have a treatable condition causing your symptoms or if you and your husband just need to improve communication.

But if you are trying to concieve a child that will need to be taken into consideration if you need treatment for a medical condition, which may be causing your symptoms such as anxiety and inability to control thoughts.

Thyroid problems and some other medical problems can cause symptoms like anxiety.You owe it to yourself and your future baby to talk to your family doctor.Good luck

Answer 3

I don't think you have a disorder...Though I am not really qualified to make that diagnosis. However , I think you may have got anxious because your husband was so sneaky. It was really upsetting for you to have all this going on behind your back... It's very unnerving to find about such deception.It can make  you unsure of things.... I think that's a very normal reaction. Though from what you have written about your husband he sounds like a good man. He sounds like he understands how upsetting it was for you , for him to have plotted behind your back to bring his parents over. I think he now knows how much stress this caused you.

You must try to get past this...Perhaps you could talk more to your husband and tell him that you still have worries. For your part try not to dwell on this deception ..Forgive him, Perhaps he thought if had asked you in advance , you would have told him not to bring his parents over. Anyhow , try to believe in him again...It's very hard to have a relationship without trust.

May I ask were you worried that his parents were going to stay? My friend is Indian and her mother in law lives with them. The mother in law is a widow. My friend says that after her mother in law moved in she took over the house. Is that the type of situation you thought might occur? That's a scary thought.