Do I have a right to be insulted by her question?

Question

My wife and I are fighting again and I am once again asking the Y!A community to help me calibrate my understanding of the situation.

On Saturday morning my family of six was making preparations to leave for an all-day family outing that we'd been planning for weeks. The children had saved their allowance to pay for it so it was a big deal. We'd had a very busy summer and the whole point of this event was for us to do something together as a family because our summer has been lacking in such events (for all six of us).

1. The event was 30 minutes away and the place opens at 11 so we planned to leave at 10:30.

2. My wife has a habit of oversleeping, but I have never left her behind for a family event. I have always either woken her, or waited for her and left late so we could all stay together. After all it's a family event.

3. My wife comes down from the bedroom (for the first time that morning) at 10:20 showered and dressed, but hasn't had breakfast nor packed her lunch.

4. I said, "Good morning. I didn't know you were up."

5. My 9-yr old son said, "Better hurry up Mom, we're leaving in 10 minutes" I said nothing about her being behind schedule because I didn't want to offend her.

6. She asks me, "Were you planning on leaving without me?"

I think it would have been horrible of me to leave without her. If I'd done so, she'd have been pissed and rightly so. I was insulted that she could consider me to be capable of treating her so badly and I told her, "I am insulted by your question." She thinks it's a perfectly reasonable question to ask considering the circumstances and that I'm overreacting.

Did I have a right to be insulted by this question?

Answer 1

Personally I think you're being a little over sensitive.  

Answer 2

No. You should not have been insulted. You should have responded with "of course not, but I had the kids on a tight schedule so they would stay on track and not dily daly."

You have resentment for your wife usually being late. She has resentment toward you for "rushing" her. So what is ten minutes? It wasn't like you were going to a job. You are leaving for a family vacation. If you can't lighten up on vacation when can you lighten up?

I'd say both of you need some time to relax. Decompress and reconnect with each other instead of picking at each other.  

Answer 3

There must have been something in your demeanor or something that happened in the day prior to this morning for her to throw that question out there.  Either that or she was just in a mood.  If being RIGHT and staying INSULTED is going to be good for your marriage, then by all means, keep it up.

You'd probably be a lot happier if you'd let go of the insult, give her a big hug and kiss and tell her that you are sorry for being so sensitive.

Answer 4

You are over reacting.

I am sorry... but you are; as did she.

She knows she is a Poke-mom! I am sure others remind her regularly as well.

Here she was up, showered, dressed and (almost ready) to walk out the door at 10:20...probably a good 30 minutes or more earlier than she normally would have.

This means that she put CONSIDERABLE effort into being ready for the ones she loves.

Your son made a harmless comment to someone who KNOWS they have a deficiency, who is NORMALLY insulted by others because of her clock challenged disability and who is EXPECTING the insults and who THIS ONE TIME was probably extremely proud of herself for showing her love by being timely.

(much more timely than normal anyway)

She reacted... because of that. Her mind raced "did he tell the kids we were leaving with or without mom in 10 minutes? would they have left? dammit i cant do anything right."

Cut her some slack. Tell her how happy you were that she was early and how much you love her and you will never leave her behind.

Answer 5

Your response should have been. "Come on...what a silly question to ask" and left it at that.

My wife does the same thing. I suspect its designed to p**s you off and in all actuality there have been times I would have looooved to have left her behind. My wife says "I'm not a morning/night person". Whatever time of day fits to explain her tardiness. In fact we'll all be at the funeral home and she'd be late for her own funeral.

You'll never break her of this habit of being late either. It's rude and disrespectful of others I agree but she won't see it that way unless someone does it to her...or you do it. Then it becomes a major issue.

Just beware. If she's always late and comes downstairs showered and dressed she's already considering this a major accomplishment. Hence her snide remark which again bears no comment from you because its a trap.....bait man.....looking to sucker you in.

Stop falling for it. Ignore it.

Besides...that jerks 'em off more when you don't acknowledge their childsih antics.

Answer 6

You should not be insulted by the question. Are you that sensitive. I really hope you didn't go the whole day with an attitude. If you did you need to apologize to your children and wife. Life is to short to stress small stuff.

Answer 7

she's being ridiculous, knowing that you always wait for her, and never leave without her, whats her problem? apparently she needs to wake up with everyone else in the house, obviously the two of you sleep in the same room right? why not wake her up after you get out of the shower, and your ready, so that she has the bathroom to herself.

she knows it was a family event and should be as excited as the rest of you all. she should have planned ahead, 10:30 is even a little late considering the lines you have to go thru, it being a saturday and traffic.

but its done and over, right? she should know better than to ask you that, and you, i wouldnt make such a big deal out of it either, thats just her.

edit: okay s***w who ever the h**l gave me a thumbs down.

after reading your prior questions, and seeing that you guys are having marital problems, my opinion still stands.

I think your wife is petty.making something out of nothing.

1) she KNOWS you never leave without her.

2) she should have woken up plenty in advance to get the kids lunches and just extra packing together.

to get last minute things together. u know?

its only common sense.

3) why is she trying to start something on a day thats suppose to be a 'family day?" just be a mom and a wife, is that too much to ask of her? you said she has her disorders, maybe she hadnt taken them the night before or something.

i think you are doing a really great job, and i applaud you, there arent very many men out here today like you.

Just be patient, and understand, anything worth having is worth fighting for right??

Answer 8

You have a right to how you feel but I think it was a fair question. She didn't know. But I think she was rude and wrong to not have been ready at 10:30 to leave. It's really inconsiderate. To have that many kids and think that you can sleep when you want to is beyond my comprehension. I guess I grew up in a different place. I would never do that to my family. I think she's wrong. She knew the plan and should have made an effort to get up earlier. It's not just about her.

Answer 9

Yes, it's reasonable.    Don't be insulted, it's a perfectly normal response.  

Chill out.  I hope you enjoyed the outing with your family.    You sound like a good husband and dad.  

Answer 10

I think you're over reacting, however, when two people are constantly arguing, it doesn't take much relight the flame.Try to let it go, apologize to her for over reacting and move forward.

Answer 11

I think you're over reacting.  It just sounded bad to her.  You said "I didn't know you were up" and your son immediately says "we're leaving in 10 minutes" as if that was the solid plan not even knowing whether she was awake yet.  Choose your battles wisely.  Sounds like you guys just get on each other's nerves more than normal if this small thing caused an argument.  

Answer 12

You have the right to feel any way you feel.  That being said, don't let your wife bait you like that.  It's all in your response.  If you would have said of course I wasn't going to leave without you, I'm looking forward to spending the day with you, that would of shut her up and probably put her in a better mood.

Answer 13

No you shouldn't feel insulted.  She probably thought you were going to leave her because you weren't pressuring her to hurry up.

I wouldn't sweat it if I were you.