Do I have a right to complain about the filth and lack of responsibility?

Question

I work over 12 hours a day while my wife is home with our 4 and 5 year old boys (and a 4 year old little girl from across the street) for the summer break.

When I come home the first thing I see as I walk in the door is a playroom that is so covered in toys that nobody can walk without stepping on toys and the floor can hardly be seen. Hundreds of pieces of puzzles, game pieces, action figures, matchbox cars... you name it and it's out of the box and on the floor.

Finally after complaining day after day after day about it, I told the kids to clean it or I'm throwing all of the toys away. After 15 minutes they were back playing again and hadn't picked up a thing.

I sent the little girl home and told her she couldn't come over for two days. I grounded my boys from their bikes for a week.

Yesterday my wife allowed the little girl to come over and play in the back yard, and my boys still haven't cleaned a thing.

I hit the roof! In my opinion she is disregarding my punishment for the kids and the fact that no room in the house should be a training ground for Child Protective Services personnel.

I told her since she allowed the little girl to come and play yesterday that she wasn't coming over today, and that if the boys didn't get the playroom clean I PROMISED I would throw every toy away tonight before I go to bed... AND I MEAN IT!

I told her that she is being naive and letting the kids walk on her and not backing me up. Now it's a big issue and has turned into a fight.

Now my wife is slamming doors and saying "The Master Has Spoken"

Am I being to unreasonable? Oh, before you answer... A child can't put their foot anywhere in the room without stepping on a toy or breaking a toy or tripping on a toy.

Answer 1

i think you r being semi reasonable. remember while you spend 12 hours at work she spends 12 hours with 3 young kids. your wife might of made some sort of agreement with your neighbors that she could come over everyday and play will she is home all day and her parents work or something. but you have every right to walk into a house where you don't have to step on any toys. don't throw every toy away though. put it all in a big plastic bag or in bins because i think your kids will hate you if you throw away all there toys and since you spent the money already. when they start begging for there toys back only give them a few and make them promise to clean it up or you will take them away again.  

Answer 2

i think ur right, and i aslo think ur wife has accountability. what does she do all day?  i am at home all day with nothing to do until school starts on the 25th.  and so, in my time off i find things to keep me busy, and i CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN.  i also have incentive which is getting PAID, but i'm sure even tho i clean my *** off, there is still more to do whereever i look.  two days ago, i didn't have a list, and i just slept and watched tv which was very depressing.  make a list to do, and tell her it needs to get done, and then after wards take her out to a nice dinner at a restaurant, and let the lady across the street babysit since u always babysit her kid.  i dont think ur unreasonable to want to come home to a clean house.  and as for your kids... maybe getting rid of the amount of toys would be beneficial and make it a new rule to put away the toys into bins every day!  u gotta get military on boys, man!

Answer 3

Your wife needs to get a backbone and not let your two kids get whatever they want.

You have every right to have reacted the way you did - it was reasonable.

Answer 4

ok i feel for both side of this.  i see ur point, parents have to be a team or the kids WILL find ur weakness and they will play on it. i suggest before making any action on either parents part that the both of u need to discuss it first. at 4 and 5 they should know by now that if u tell them to pick up their room they should. i have a 3 yr old who cleans his room and makes his bed.  however as a stay at home mom i know where she is coming from too, children will trash a house in a matter of 15 minutes (if u don't stay on their case)  i make my kids clean up their messes 4 times a day. after breakfast, before lunch, before dinner, and before bedtime.  that way the house isn't so bad by the end of the day.  i could be wrong but it sounds like with the remarks she made that she may feel as if she has no say so in what happens in the family.  which be be another reason to discuss these things before u do them and that way you both can decide on a punishment that is suitable for the both of u.

Answer 5

First off, if you're complaining so much about the toys then why don't you take half those toys away? Like kids really count how many times they have. You're another parent whos overreacting to a simple problem. Just take half or even more of those toys and it'll be who knows how many times less of stress. Everybody likes to come home to a peaceful clean home. You say that you work 12 hours a day, that adds to the stress you have when coming home. I think that when you take some toys away, that'll take out the stress of having to see the mess when you come home. Regarding your wife, just get over it and don't make your life complicated. You could have easily let the "little girl coming over" situation go and would have lowered your stress but instead you insisted over "going over the roof." Again, that came from the mess of the toys. Have less things, and make your life less complicated because after reading yahoo answers, the thing I notice is people ignore the simple things that could make life easier. And go tell your wife it wouldn't hurt to clean up a little.

Answer 6

Ok. Here are my thoughts on this. Your wife sounds like she feels attacked and in a way you are. You are stepping into her "realm" of work and putting in place rules without discussing and coming to an agreement with her. She's the one who spends all day there with the children and yes I agree if you'd like to come home to a clean house... I'd get your own place for the next 10-12 years because childen are messy little beings and toys are not FILTH, it's a mess.

How would you feel if your wife were to come to your place of employment and complain about the state of things and start placing restrictions and rules in place and expect you to follow through on them? Attacked and angry would be my best guess.

If what you want is a clean floor when you get home from work ask your wife how she feels this can happen. Children, especially that young don't know HOW to clean yet. You need to take the time WITH them to show them what you expect them to do. Use the Barney song "Clean Up" to help get the task done and reward them with ice cream or time with you.

Ex. If the room is cleaned up when I get home you will get _____. The reward has to be immediate for this age group and ALWAYS follow through, no excuses if you expect no excuses from them. The second you dont follow through expect the children to follow suit and do the same.

Dont forget to reward your wife for staying home with small children all day. It is the most stressful and hard job ever. I couldn't wait to get back to work. It's lonely and tiring.

Instead of directly going to punishment try rewards and watch the benefits. :-) Good luck!

Answer 7

You are certainly NOT being unreasonable. I wouldn't TOLERATE such behavior in my household. I say follow through with taking the toys away (but don't throw them out; just store them where they won't find them). Your kids need to learn to pick up after themselves. As you know, kids with no dicipline leads to disaster. As for your wife...I'm not sure what to recommend here. Maybe some sort of nanny 911/mommy bootcamp thing. Wait. Is there such a thing??

Good luck.

Answer 8

To answer your question:  Yes you have the right to complain as your wife (If she is a stay at home mom) should have the children clean up before you come home so as you all can have family dinner and discuss what each one did during the day.  This is part of their learning and they will need to answer for their actions when they grow up and join the workforce.  (They will have to keep their work space/place clean at all times.)

I had a problem with my youngest boy as he would never clean up his room or, pick up his toys.  I told him that if he didn't clean it up before I got home the next evening, that I would clean it for him.  The next day when I came home his room was a mess.  I opened both windows and through all his cloths out on the lawn, I also got his bed and it went out as well.  Well my wife and I had a big argument as she disagreed with what I did.  Well, I told my boy that if he wanted his cloths and wanted to live in my house, that he would have to wash them first then clean and fold them and put them away neatly.  Well it took him from 6Pm till 11:30 that night and he was feeling bad (crying) as was my wife. I love my wife as she understood.  Well, from that moment on. The house and rooms were cleaned before I came home.  That was ten years ago and about three months ago. He came and told me that, that was the best lesson he ever learned and thanked me.  I love my boys as I’m sure that you do your children and would do anything for them.  Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

  

Answer 9

I understand what you are saying, however, the way you explain the room, it does sound very overwhelming for the kids to clean it up by themselves. I think that mom should make a game out of it for the boys and clean with them. It's not completely the kids' fault.

I do think that you are overreacting a little bit. But i think that mom is under reacting. Try not to make your time at home unpleasant. I know you don't want to go home to fight.

This is what I suggest:

Sit down and calmly talk to your wife and tell her that you feel that it is very unsafe for everyone to have the house kept in that condition. That you're sorry for getting so upset but you just feel like you are not being heard. Ask her to try to work with the boys tomorrow to clean up the room because they are avoiding it since its such a huge job for them.

Really, they are just kids. They want to play and see things the way that children do. Help them, guide them so they think its a game but its also important to be safe. Good luck

Answer 10

Well if you feel its necessary for child protective service to come in your kids life. I think you should do so. They will do a very nice investigation and let you feel more comfortable, if the kids are okay or not. You being a parent will of course impact there life in some type of way or form. Maybe you are going about it in the wrong way, But I think when you know better - You do better. God bless!

Answer 11

No, she needs to at least clean the house. If she is not working she should also have supper ready when you get home.  

Answer 12

keep your pimp hand strong brother!

tell her to get in the kitchen. if you have to.... give her a nice hard backhand.

nothing says " i am in charge of this house" better than the hairy backside of your right hand. know what im sayin?

Answer 13

I agree that your wife has undermined you punishment and can completely understand your frustration.  However, maybe you need a day in your wife's shoes.  She's the one spending all day with them, and to constantly tell the children to clean up can be aggravating.  Let's face it - they're kids.  Maybe come up with time lines when a "tidy up" needs to take place.  The kids are old enough to do it themselves for sure.  Before bed is definatly a good time to do it.

Rather than telling your wife she's being naive and letting the kids walk all over her, come up with a solution to the problem together.  Let her know the kids are old enough to do some of their own chores - keeping the rooms clean and tidy, taking the garbage or recycling out (if it's not too heavy).  Nothing too overwhelming or anything.  They are capable of doing household chores.

Work together, not against eachother for the sake of both your relationship and for the kids.

Answer 14

no you are not, you are the man of the house and you have the right to make demands. you work and put food on the table so you deserve to come home to a good meal and a clean house. take the kids toys and box them all up and put them somewhere they or your wife cant find them.  

Answer 15

you do have a right to complain. Both of you have a job and she's not doing her job. If you didn't do your job, you, your wife and kids would be out in the streets. She's not holding her hand of the bargain. A stay at home wife is hard but that's what she chose. I don't think your kids should have to clean anything up. They're practically babies. She should clean it up. the house should be clean all the time. During the weekend you should help her out also. Your tired of working long hours and she's tired of taking care of the kids for 24 hours. compromise during the weekend. one weekend you clean and the next she cleans

Answer 16

i think you are absolutely right!!!

now get cleaning, put everything in black plastic bags and dump it all.

more then likely she will retrieve it out of the trash, so if i were you i'd take it to a salvation army box and put it in there where she can't get it.

then from now on, buy things AS NEEDED.

good for you, hope this works, it worked for me!!!