Do I have cold feet or am I serioulsy regretting this???

Question

ok, engaged to be married in October. the FH has been out of work for 3 weeks and had to borrow money against our wedding fund to pay back bills. he borrowed a HUGE chunk. I make more than him and most of the money was mine. I also didn't want a wedding, I wanted to elope and I have a feeling I'm going to be stuck paying for something I didn't even want! He needs to be coached on many things and seemingly needs his hand held. the guy never picks up and acts like a chid. I am really beginning to regret saying yes to his half assed drunken proposal...so, yeah. cold feet, or really regretting this? if you were in my shoes, how would you go about it?? I never ask for advice like this so, if you just want to be a dink and rip on me, go somewhere else....thanks.

Answer 1

Alcohol + debt = extremely poor foundation for a marriage.  I think your spidey sense is telling you something here.  PLEASE don't go through with this.  Counseling is in order, for sure.

Answer 2

You need to think long and hard about this. You either need to accept the person that he is (because after all you did say yes to that person) or move on.

As for the HUGE chunk of money he borrowed - what did he use it for? Does he have a lot of debt? If so you may want to think about postponing the wedding until he has all of that cleared up. When you marry him, his debt becomes your debt as well.

If I were in your shoes I would definitely have a lot of thinking to do. I might even recommend going to see a counselor. Sometimes they can help sort out your true feeliings - this way you can see whether or not it is cold feet or if it is a big mistake.

Can you live with this person for the rest of your life, even if he never changes? You have to accept the person that he is now - don't expect him to change just because you are getting married.

Answer 3

My vote is this is more than pre-wedding jitters.

You've got a LOT of red flags here that you need to consider before "sealing the deal"!

Sit him down & tell him honestly that you need more time; you're just not ready.  And announce to your families that you've decided to wait.

Don't go telling him he's a child & that he doesn't pick up after himself (a lot of men don't;  which doesn't make it right)

Expect this guy to get rather angry as he will see his Banker slowly fading from his eyes.  And you will probably get some static from your family, too, but stand your ground.  You deserve better.

You have to decide whether you want to work on the relationship or call it quits.

Answer 4

Hi Penny:

Of course none of us know you in your little short paragraph, nor do we know your fiance.  However, I must say that I think it is more than "cold feet."

I seriously think you are regretting saying yes to the (as you say...."half assed drunken proposal.")  Really, how much does he think about you if he is proposing when he is drunk?  Doesn't sound like he put much thought into it.  

Then, on top of that, it sounds like he is the one wanting the big wedding, and you wanted something smaller.  YES, you will resent the fact that you had to pay for something that you didn't want.

Seriously, I think it is more than cold feet.  I do think that you are seeing what lies ahead....in my opinion.

Answer 5

Postpone the wedding until BOTH of you are financially able to pay for it.  Obviously, he can't handle his own bills right now, let alone the expenses of a wedding.  Postpone!!!

Answer 6

I think it sounds like you (both) aren't ready for a commitment like marriage.  You two are about to merge your lives, so your financial situation will become one, and if he is out of work you will be supporting him for that time.  If you feel the way you do now because it is costing you money you feel is "yours", you are going to resent him for a long time. That isn't how you should feel when you are married.

I think you both need to think about what you are committing to: each other, through better or worse.  And be prepared for what that really means.  It sounds like you are just starting to experience some of the "worst" and you already want out.  So maybe this isn't the right time to make the commitment of marriage.

Answer 7

There is nothing in that question that makes me think that you love him, want to support him, etc.  Think about why you said yes in the first place.  Was it because you really wanted to spend your life with him... as he is now...?  Or was it because you liked the idea of a wedding... or something else maybe?  Think about why you said yes, and if it still holds true now.

Answer 8

From your question is seems like you are having big doubts, not just cold feet.

If your fiance is financially irresponsible, it will not get better after you are married. If you hold his hand through everything now, he will keep reaching for yours.

If you really love him then you should try having a talk with him. Normally, I would say you can't change a person but if he wants to function well as an adult (and husband), he needs to learn how to do things on his own and manage his money.

Answer 9

Penny - read back your question as if it was from a stranger or from a friend of yours and imagine how you would answer it.  I think you have some pretty fundemental concerns going on here that need sorting out before you consider going ahead.  If in doubt, get out! or at least postpone until he is back at work and sorted and you can decide together what you want to do.  Good luck.

Answer 10

Save what you have left of my money and postpone your plans until you know and see that he can man up and be more mature and responsible.

Answer 11

your smart intuition is giving you a message.  definitely postpone this and whatever you do dont get pregnant.  

in my opinion you he is not mature enuf and in  a stable enuf career to get married.  and if you see already the diffference in your reactions to things and are dismayed by his, well, it will only get worse with marriage.  

he may grow up quite nicely some day.  and why is he using this money to pay bills after only three weeks out of work. to me that is a huge financial red flag that his and maybe your finances are too unstable and shaky to afford marriage or anything for that matter.  

this would not work for me.  before you marry anyone you need !!!!  to have premarital counseling so you learn how each other handles things like this.  girls mature faster than guys, if this is you, you have my permission to wait.  or leave.

Answer 12

To be honest you answered your own Question.  I really don't think that if this marriage takes place it is going to last.  I would reconsider taking the bank book and dividing the money up and tell him there will be no wedding.

Answer 13

Take a deep breath, sit down, and try to remember all the reasons you're marrying him. No one can tell you what to do, but make sure you think it all through clearly. Perhaps if you can't afford the wedding in October, you could postpone it for a while, and that'll also give you time to work out how you really feel. It's not very nice that he's taken lots of the money, so maybe you should speak to him about it

Answer 14

I think you don't want to go through with this.  These are issues that are not going to go away after you marry him.  Don't take any vows until you are sure it is what you want.

Answer 15

First of all, money issues is the number one cause of stress and divorce in a marriage.  If you cannot agree on money and finances before the wedding, it's only going to get worse when the money is not "yours" or "his" but marital funds.  Your complaints are very legitimate and I would really re-consider if I were you.

Answer 16

Marriage is a huge step in your life and you need to be 100% certain it is what you want because believe me 10 years down the road a divorce can be even more costly.  If you honestly do not know if this is what you want you need to ask yourself a few questions.  Like can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person and being happy about it?  I'm not saying call of the engagement, but I would consider postponing the wedding for now until you are sure of what you want.  One thing I noticed you didn't say once in your letter was you love him but..........  So again you need to make sure that what you are feeling for him is love because what I'm hearing is resentment.  Resentment for having to have a wedding you didn't want, and resentment for you being responsible to pay for that wedding also. You also mentioned that he acts like a child and needs to have his hand held so let me ask you this, are you ready to be a mother to your husband because again believe me when I say they do not change after the wedding!!!!!

Marriage is a big time responsibility and from what you have said I'm not sure he is ready to take on such a responsibility.  There will be bills that need to be paid, things that need to get down and they should be done together as a team but he obviously has an exsisting problem with money already.

Take time to sit and really think this thru.  If it's truly what you want they go for it and I wish you the best of luck, if you have doubts then postpone it or call it off because once you say I do it's too late to change your mind (for awhile anyway) but that leads to so much more heartache and resentment.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

Answer 17

i think your question answered it for you. dumo his a$$ and find someone who will treat you better. it is not cold feet. yur mind is telling you what you should've told him.....NO!. lol. if this is how he is now, how will he be when you're actualyl married and he doesn't have to worry about losing you that easily? think about it b/4 you marry him. good luck

Answer 18

It sounds like you have serious and legitimate concerns...whether or not they are worth cancelling the wedding over is up to you.  I would definitely sign up for some premarital counseling.  That should help you sit down and figure out if you line up on important things like finances.  The fact that you don't want a big wedding yet are paying for one makes me think that communication might not be the best between you.  Premarital counseling can also help you discuss expectations of marriage.  If your fiance expects you to mother him and pick up after him, its good to know before you commit!

I think you have enough doubts to postpone the wedding at the very least while you work through these issues.

Best of luck!

Answer 19

No, no, I think you have serious concerns that should be addressed before saying "I do", especially if you really don't.

He should love you for you, and you should love him for him.

But the reasons you mentioned are more grounds for divorce from the get-go. The biggest one is having to hold his hand on small issues. Paying his debt out of your money is also a big red flag. Most couples divorce over money issues. His irresponsibility requiring YOU to pay HIS debt is a definite sign of things to come.

Cold feet nothing, you do not deserve the responsibility of someone who can't take care of himself let alone proposes to you drunk. That's not love. If he really loved you he would show it. You do not deserve to become the mother, cook, and housemaid of someone else for any reason. You should not be forced to pay for this wedding yourself!

It sounds like he is looking for someone to take care of him physically and financially, and you fit his bill. Great guy with personality is one thing, but the happy face/sad face that represents the actor is more true than people realize. My dad was a great guy to everyone except his own family. He was a great person to talk at parties, at home he was an a** much like what you describe. Life was a mixture of good times when we traveled and h**l at home. I was a girl, I had to do women's work like cook, clean, and help mom take care of the babies while my brothers did nothing at all. (I laugh at them as their wives get on their case to help with their own babies now.)

You do not need one very big baby to deal with along with any little babies if you have them. He will not change once you are married.

I say call the wedding off until he shows responsibility and pays you back what he borrowed. You don't have to get married in October! Besides, it's silly to get married and then have to pay twice as much for the divorce proceedings. If you can avoid the divorce hassle, say no from the start.

Really, I say you have some serious issues that are cause for not getting married. You have every right to say no, and you need not feel guilty for saying no. A broken engagement is far better than a messy divorce.

If he won't be fixed, don't. There still are great guys out there who do not need to be fixed and are so much better. You deserve better. You really do.

Answer 20

Think about this really good. Do you really love him?  Is he the first thing you think of in the morning or Do you think about him throughout the day? When you hear his voice on the phone do you smile?  Think good cause this is your life we are talking about.  Can picture your self with some other guy? (if you could then leave now) if you have any doubts in your heart or the little voice in your head is not sure then dont do it cause you will be regretting it later.  

Remember no one can tell you how you feel only you can do that so just take the time and think about it.

Answer 21

Yeah, I would have to have a serious talk with him if I were you... if he doesn't shape up you need to send him packing... 'cause honestly what woman needs a man that can't act like one at least 95% of the time...

Answer 22

Shall I give you a biblical view? I think that marriage is a commitment, or should be, a comittment for life. It is something one should take very seriously and should only enter when absolutely sure. When you are getting married, there should be no doubt in your mind. So, please consider how you truly feel in your heart first, do some soul searching.... remember though, the bible makes it clear that Jehovah HATES a divorce.

Dont be too alarmed tho, underneath what things seem, you may have a connection but only you two can know this. Its really nice tho, to have someone that in most ways, you can say, you both are on the same page. It makes life easier, and promotes a deep friendship that strengthens marriage.