Do I have the right to be angry?

Question

I am a 28 yr old married woman, I have had fertility issues since i was 16. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 16... I had a misscarriage in july of 06. I have my life together in the best sence my husband is in the Navy we are finaicially stable and i am a full time college student. My sister is 24 has 3 children and is preg with #4 and says she is giving the baby up for adoption. I live in VA and she is back in WI. She calls me and tells me that If i dont adopt the baby shes going to have an abortion.. I have another friend here that has fertility issues is married herself(navy man) for 2 years and I quickly have my sister talk to her... and they both agree to the adoption... my friend even sent out the paper work for the intent to adopt and all the pulimmonary paper work that my sister did sign... I find out this last weekend from a BLOG from someone else that she is offering her baby to another family? SHes treating it likea piece of candy and im firious...

Answer 1

i can understand how you would be angry! you cant help the way you feel and are entitled to your feelings. however, that doesnt change the fact that your sister is entitled to make whatever decision she wants about her baby. i cant imagine what your going through having had a miscarriage and being unable to have a child of your own. Just hang in there and try to stay healthy and positive so you can give your body the best chance to conceive.  Good luck!

Answer 2

i would be very angry. why would she be giving her baby up any ways. She is obviously able to raise kids if she has 3 already.

Answer 3

You should feel angry but on top of it all, worried. Thats what I would feel. Can you imagine if that baby ends up in the wrong hands for a pretty dime?

You can report this to child services, but being you are from another state im not sure how the law abides there. Consult a lawyer, most firms offer free consultations since you arent suing anyone, you are just trying to get the facts straight legally and inform yourself. Open a yellow book pages and search, thats were most locate their phone numbers and adresses. No yellow book pages? Then try the web.

More importantly talk to your sister, let her know what your stance on the situation is and try to have some sort of safe agreement before the baby is born. Trust me the last thing you want is for the baby to be born in an unstable home. RESOLVE, dont just feel mad and furious (although you have complete the right to), thats not solving anything.

Hope this helps.

Answer 4

People fighting over children like it is the last car in the lot.

I am just mad at all of you involved.

Fighting over kids, I tell you.

Answer 5

OMFG

For one thing as the Aunty I would think that she would want you to raise the baby, being that you are family.

Next in regards to her having 3 children and now preg with #4 why the h**l is she giving this baby away ?

Is she married ?

I do not understand America AT ALL.

All I read about on YA is people giving up their babies and not some young 14 or 15 yr old but Married women or women who are having their 2cne 3rdor 4th baby

What is wrong with America to make women do this ?

Answer 6

This is not your child.  This is your sister's child.  If she chooses to have the child adopted, and it's a private adoption, SHE gets to choose the adoptive family, not you or anyone else.  Perhaps she found another family that she felt was better suited.  Maybe the other family is closer.  Who knows?  

I would feel that she were treating the child more like a piece of candy if she just went with the first family that came along.  After all, I really don't care to whom I give a piece of candy.  I'd be perfectly happy to just give it to whomever walks by first and asks for it.  My child, however, whom I am forever entrusting to another's care, is an entirely different story.  This is HER child.

Answer 7

maybe she got a bad vibe from the ones you suggested.. i would be upset too.. but i think you might want to look at it in her perspective.. maybe you should talk to her about how you feel.. dont attack her just tell her your feelings about it!

Answer 8

I am so sorry that you're going through this! I also have PCOS. We tried for five years to get pregnant and became foster parents. ( I won't even get into the sh** we've been through) I know how frustrating it is to be such a good person and see irresponsible and ( for lack of a better word) losers have children by the dozen. It just never seems fair :(

You have every right to be furious! Especially since you know first hand the emotional roller coaster that this has been for your friend. Confront your sister ( as calmly as possible) and see what she says.

I did get preg with identical twin boys by getting acupuncture and taking the herbs vitex+ red rasberry. Check out www.soulcysters.com there is a chat room and message board. It has been helpful to me.

Oh also- the most common reason for miscarriage is lack of progesterone ( talk to your doctor first) you can get progesterone over the counter at any local vitamin store (such as GMC etc.) You can purchase it in a cream that you usually massage into your abdomen, vaginal suppositories or you can even get progesterone shots in your doctor's office. ( a friend of mine had 4 miscarriages; every time they went to do the ultrasound the baby was gone. She started using the progesterone cream and has had 2 successful pregnancies!)

Good luck and I pray everything works out for the best.

Answer 9

Sometime people who can have it easy take it for granted.  I too, have problem getting pregnant (PCOS) and things like that anger me.  They don't know how hard it is for some woman and how deperate people can get.

Shame on her, but don't stress yourself over it.  There is nothing you can do, unless you want to adopt her baby.

Answer 10

Do you have the right to be angry? Sure.

But what will it get you, besides high blood pressure and a splitting headache?

Your sister manipulated you, pure and simple. She's probably getting financial support from all those people she is offering the baby to, and probably won't give the baby to any of them.

Are your parents around? Do they know what's going on? Perhaps it is time for everyone to get involved and confront your sister.

Answer 11

you have the right to be angry you need to knock some since in to her stupid ***

Answer 12

Unless your sister is taking money from both couples you really don't have any right to be angry. This is her child and she is the one who "gets" to decide what family, if any, adopts the baby.

I can understand how this would be a shock to you and that your nose would get bent out of shape but think on it for a bit. You are her sister, she loves you, probably trusts you and most likely doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe after talking with your friend she decided they just weren't the type of family she was looking for. Now how does she go about telling you that? Since you are personally involved with these people she might just be a bit scared to tell you that she isn't as comfortable with them adopting her child as you are.

You say that you "quickly" had her talk to your friends. Did you expect that would be the end of it. Check out one couple and DING, DING, DING, you are the winner! As you stated this is not a piece of candy it is a child. Does it not make sense then for her to talk to as many potential adoptive parents as possible? Would you go buy the first house you looked at or meet a Dr. on a street corner and ask them to do your triple bypass? Didn't think so. If your sister is out there talking to many PAPs and trying to find the absolute best family she can then she is doing the right thing. This would become wrong if she is accepting financial aid from them all.

In the end it is her choice to make, and her choice alone. You can either choose to support her throught a very difficult time, offering love and caring, or you can get angry that she didn't choose what YOU thought was best and leave her without her sister to talk to and gather support from. The adoption plan is her choice, how you treat her is yours.

Answer 13

sure why not

Answer 14

Are you angry that shes surrendering her child and not keeping her baby?

Angry because you have fertility issues?

Angry because shes possibly choosing someone else to raise him/her?

Angry because she didn't tell you you read it on a blog?

Angry because shes treating her child like a commodity?

I'd be angry if I had fertility issues. I'd also be angry if my sister was surrendering her child. Or if my sister was potentially passing her child around like it sounds your sister is doing.

Answer 15

yes if the blog isn't someone just trying to stir up S#%$

Answer 16

If this is true....I'm appalled.  I'm a natural mother.  I relinquished my baby girl June of last year.  What your sister is doing is morally, ethically, and I do believe even legally wrong.

Answer 17

you should be

Answer 18

geesh.. what a sister.  Yes you do.

Answer 19

Sure you have a right to be angry. Honestly, how your sister acts reflects on your whole family.... However on the flip side, remember that she is your sister and will always be your sister, so you may want to watch what you say if you want to maintain a good relationship with her. Honestly, do you think saying something about her behavior will seriously change anything other than the dynamic of your relationship with her???

Answer 20

I don't think I'd be angry so much as concerned for this child's welfare.  His or her parents are playing some dangerous games with the future safety of their child.  I think you should talk to her about what she's doing and what is in this child's best interests.

Is your sister definitely unable to keep her baby?  If she's not sure about raising him or her then maybe there is family or friends who can help.  It sounds like her actions are unbalanced, but perhaps she's just not sure about actually giving her child up?

If she does need to relinquish the baby, is there any way you or another family member could raise the child?  It would be far better for the baby to go to family if possible, especially if there would be the chance for contact with their mother later on.

Please talk to your sister and see if you can help her work something out for this baby.  Good luck.

Answer 21

I think you should confront your sister, she sounds like she is giving your friend a possible false impression, on the other hand she may realize that giving up a child is a MAJOR thing and maybe she wants to feel very sure about the family she chooses.  It is hard to say, you will really need to talk with your sister about it and find out the why.  Good Luck.

Answer 22

What she does is her business.  It is, after all, her child.  She has no obligation to offer it to a family member for adoption.   Nor do you have any obligation to adopt this child.

Answer 23

I would be beyond furious.  I hope the family hasn't paid her any money and that she isn't trying to "sell" the baby to the highest bidder or something.  Yeah that is horrible.  

BTW goodluck with the pregnancy thing, I have PCO too and I am 28. I was diagnosed at 19 (would have been at 16 if the Dr would have listened) and I have 2 wonderful little boys after losing 50 lbs just to get pregnant.  I missed my carbs lol but it was all worth so I hope you have good luck too.

Answer 24

On Anger:

Sure, everyone has a "right to be angry" -- it is a normal human emotion. Anger can be a very powerful motivator for change -- or it can be debilitating, just depends on how you channel it. Most women are "taught" not be be angry, so we don't know how to handle it very well.

On your sister and her baby:

I'm not completely sure I understand the situation, but from what I do understand I'm not sure anger at your sister is justified or productive.

Your sister called you and said she wanted you to adopt her baby. I'm not sure why you decided against doing that (especially since the first part of your question seems to be justifying what a good parent you would be?). But anyway, you quickly connected her with a friend of yours instead. Now you hear that your sister is considering another family to adopt her baby (not sure how much time has passed).

So, as I see it, you sister wanted you, her sister, to adopt her baby. That is a completely different thing from having a stranger (your friend) adopt her child. If you adopted this child, he or she would still be in your sister's family -- he or she would grow up knowing her first mother (and father?) and also would have the same grandparents, extended family, etc.  If your friend adopted the baby, none of this would be true. So maybe, once your sister was already considering having her baby adopted outside the family (because you brought it up), she then thought about the whole thing a different way, and started thinking more about her options. I'm just speculating, but maybe once she was considering having someone outside of the family adopt her baby, she started considering what kind of family she would want, and maybe she wanted a local family, so she could see the child, or who knows why, but once it was not you she had to fully consider ALL her options.

To me, that seems reasonable and normal. I can see why you would be upset for your friend that your sister did not tell you (and sad for your friend also), but just think how hard this must all be for her. Telling you, and facing your anger, might just have been more than she felt up to doing. Should she have told you and your friend? Yeah, I'd say so, but I can totally understand why she might not have.

So what I would suggest you do is work through your anger and hurt yourself -- journaling, asking here, going for a long run, having a good cry, whatever. And then try your best to be supportive to your sister at this difficult time -- maybe she will decide to parent the child after all, but whatever decisions she makes are hers to make.

And also get together with your friend and have a good cry also. Support each other. I feel for you, especially about the miscarriage. All of this is so hard. Best wishes to you, your friend, you sister, and especially the child.

Answer 25

I would be pi**ed off as well. But have you called her and talked to her about it?  Are you 100% sure she is giving it to someone else?  It is ultimately her decision, and maybe she feels that if your friend adopts the baby, that she would feel weird if she ever went to visit you at your house.

Answer 26

You do have a right to be mad. That is wrong on so many levels. It sounds like she needs some help. Get her some birth control. If she doesn't want anymore kids she doesn't need to be s******g...*pardon my language*. this makes me very angry...

Answer 27

it's really none of your business unless she's trying to sell her kid.

why not help her keep her baby?