Do I have to forgive my mother-in-law to be?

Question

I am getting married in about 2 months. We have been together for 3.5 years, the whole time his mother has been down right cruel to me. I honestly haven't done anything to warrant this type of behavior from her. These are a few of the things she has said or done to me... that are in my mind nearly unforgiveable

After we had been together for a year and a half. Sitting at the table, right in front of me, she asked my fiance if she could set him up on a date with another teacher that she worked with. He of course said no, that he was involved with me! (He could have handled that better but to be honest i think he was in shock.)

My younger sister managed to get herself into a lot of trouble. She became addicted to meth before she even turned 18. This whole ordeal lasted about a year. She entered drug rehab, she has so far been very successful. She has been clean for a year and a half now. My fiance's dad asked me how she was doing one day. I responded that she was doing well although we still had alot of battles ahead of us. His mother responded "maybe she should just go kill herself, that would solve the problem"

Another time while I was at work she tore up all of my landscaping, killed off a huge chunk of the sod on my lawn. She then proceeded to do what she wanted infront of my home for landscape.

For the last year or so I have been pretty much ingoring her. I just cannot take it. Just the other day my fiance's dad called and said that he wanted to get this whole thing worked out. That i have been unfair with her and never tried to develop a relationship with her from the start. Which couldnt be more false. I have seriously done nothing wrong except ignore her constant stupid mean comments for the last 3.5 years.

I honestly feel she has hurt me enough, That I cannot just forget it and move on.

Answer 1

The woman sounds mentally unstable to me, but if you really love this man and you intend to spend the rest of your life with him you need to forgive her and move on.

I don't think you should take it too personally.  The woman would probably act this way toward any woman who was going to marry her son.  (Some people can't bare not being the center of their children's world)

Don't condemn her, try to understand her.

You see ... I know you think that she's acting maliciously, but trust me she doesn't see herself as an evil witch.  No body ever sees themselves as anything other than the greatest person on Earth.  She probably sees you as the evil witch and in her mind everything she has done is justified.  

Answer 2

I do not pretend to know your husband or your mother in law at all. However one very very serious question you have to ask yourself is, "Do I love this man enough to put up with this kind of treatment for the rest of my life?" If the answer is yes, be prepared for the worst. Hopefully your husband to be is man enough to stand up to his mother for his wife (since you will then be "one flesh") And further more, you have feelings too that should be addressed. Don't let her play victim, or you'll forever be miserable. Once your husband sees what you have been putting up with quietly for the past 3.5 years, you'll come out smelling like roses.

Answer 3

You are feeling vulnerable because you will be marrying into the family.  If your mother-in-law was intolerable you would have moved away with your man or left him by now.  I know that mother in laws are really hard to deal with but you have to put up with them to a point.  

It sounds like you let things go instead of facing them and then you stew about them and they become a bigger issue.  

Your poor father in law is in the middle and he is right, you guys need to have a heart to heart.  Write down points you would like to express before the meeting and your voice will be heard.

As a mother in law and a daughter in law I know the roles we each play.  Your mother in law can be rude and when she said that about your sister you should have replied to her insult. For next time tell her I really don't appreciate you saying that. I would never say that about your sister.  About the landscaping thing, maybe your mother in law was trying to make your yard nicer. As a gift. Landscaping is hard work and she probably thought she would spruce up your yard.  Whatever her motives were I don't think she was going through all that trouble to make you mad.  

Answer 4

His mother has no boundaries and apparently it's bothering her enough that her husband called you.  I think if your going to marry into this family then you should put your cards on the table with his mother and try to work things out.  It would make life easier for all.  You have to deal with this woman for every occasion, holiday, and a weekly basis at least.  Why go through life ignoring someone as this is a waste of energy.  I am sure all would look forward to some peace.  

In no way am I justifying her behavior however, your hubby should have pulled her aside and had a talk with her.  Since your father in law has a brain and is man enough  to do what his son should be doing as making peace between the two of you calmly explain that you ignoring her was what you thought best as you did not want to loose control and have a big fight.  I am sure they can see your side.  

Who knows you might get an apology from her and things could work out where at least there is no issues and you can be civil.  

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear your problem, but i can share your hurt, ive been married for ten years and in all honesty i can say my mother in law has been nothing but a witch! i tried every tactic i could think off, from being rude to over nice and everything in between, i to have done nothing wrong, she back stabs, whispers to her husband when she thinks you can't see or hear her, tries to dictate how to bring up our children, which we do clash badly over, as they were heavy with their hand to their kids, so yeah its a never ending battle, we have stretched visits to as long as we can get away with, and i just don't bother with them any more, they only come round when i know my husband will be home to answerer the door to them, sadly its still not sunk in, i just think some people are like that, stuck in their own world, just want you to know you are not on your own, good luck

Answer 6

I'd be thinking twice about marrying a man who wouldn't sort his mother out. It's time for him to kick butt. A wimpy man is not a lot of use.