Do I have to let her boyfriend visit too?

Question

to the system and not be able to see him at all. She has a 4 years old daughter that she is not allowed contact with.

Answer 1

I would tell her that you are not comfortable with the guy and that she should respect you enough not to bring anyone but herself to your home. If you are scared you will lose the guardianship of the child then do it now before the baby gets older and it hurts more to let go. It is your house, and I am assuming that you are doing this girl a favor by keeping the child, so tell her it is going to have to be your way. I am sure everyone will agree with me on this.

P.S. ***and LARA "It is HER HOUSE" she can choose who comes over!!!!

RE: Hellooooooooo...... you forget whos doing who a favor!!!! This woman has a life and theres this child having a child who's now sleeping probably with another guy instead of studying and trying to better her and her childs life and you want to cater to her?? PLease! You must be the girl! WOW this world is ending soon good god!

Answer 2

I can see why you are concerned. I agree with Lara, is there any way you can meet somewhere else? The motel is a great idea.

My other concern is...How many men will she date that she wants to meet her son? Eventually, it might become difficult for the child. It's no different then a single mother that introduces EVERY boyfriend to her children. Unless it is a serious and long term relationship, I don't think they need to be introduced.

For everyones sake, you need to finalize the adoption. Then you can quit walking on egg shells.

Answer 3

well i would move forward with the formal adoption thing now. you don't have rights until that happens. you don't want to make her mad and have her take her child back. it is not good idea to bring around men that are new to the relationship yours or hers. not to met ion have a stranger in your home that could steal form you or even hurt the baby. you could express this to her. tell her you would not bring a new boyfriend of yours around the baby either. you need to explain that though he is probably a great person there is a possibility that he could turn out to be someone who is not what she thought. its too soon to tell. so you can reassess the situation after 6mo-year. i don't know her maturity level so just be careful with your words and make sure everything you say has love for the baby in it. good luck and GET OFFICIAL CUSTODY NOW, what are you waiting for?

Answer 4

no you do not have to let him visit too.  you definately need to be tactful in how you broach the subject. let her know your happy she has someone in her life and that you love her idea of spending time with the baby...but also let her know you are wanting to stick with the original agreement between the two of you as it is early in your new family arrangement.  I also think you should get all the work done necessary to adopt him done ASAP.  I say go mommy go ..you guys need to do what is best for the baby and that is keep getting along and remember to meet in the middle..compromise may be needed here also.you could be elsewhere than your house for short periods of time when introducing her new man hopefully once he has been around longer.  GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

Explain to her that with your adoption homestudy coming up, you aren't supposed to have any male visitors at the house, especially overnight, until the adoption is completed.  You are doing this for the baby's sake.  You might offer to meet them in town and buy dinner, or something, instead of meeting them at your house.  Good luck!

Answer 6

HEY STEPHANiE LOL iTS SAMANTHA. UMM i KNOW i CAN'T MAKE UP YOUR MiND FOR YOU BUT i DO KNOW HER BOYFRiEND HE iS A COOL PERSON TO TALK TO, i'M NOT GONNA GiVE YOU A BAD REFERENCE ABOUT HiM, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WE TOLD YOU ABOUT ANGEL'S MOM HE COULD BE THE SAME WAY. i THiNK MAYBE HAVE THEM OVER BUT ME TOO i CAN HELP YOU WATCH THEM, BUT DON'T LET THEM STAY THE NiGHT. YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST ANGEL'S MOM BUT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT HER BF. HAViNG ME THERE iS AN iDEA BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO, iT'S ONLY BECAUSE i KNOW BOTH OF THEM WELL. JUST NOT ERiC BECAUSE HiM AND HER WiLL END UP BOXiNG LOL. BUT YEAH TRY HiM OVER THERE DURiNG THE DAY WHERE YOU CAN SUPERViSE HiM AND NOT MAKE iT OBViOUS THAT YOU ARE THOUGH. HEHE HOPE i HELPED.

****FOR ANYONE ELSE**** THERE iS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY iN H*LL THE BiRTH MOTHER CAN GET HiM BACK SHE iS FiNANCiALLY, MENTALLY iRRESPONSiBLE

Answer 7

jus tell her ur not too comfortable with a guy that u dont know over -especially for multiple nights?!&& just try non chelantly telling them to get a room if she brings him&then he could come for a little bit here & there??..? idk hope it helps =] btw u dont have to do anything u dont want to& if he does come & ur uncomfortable i'd say something like--stay somewhere else! u dont want some weirdo @ ur home@ night!!!

Answer 8

i dont think  it should matter if hes her bf what happens when they break up i would do whats best for your son and if she cares about him at all she wouldnt want that kind of person around him anyway y didnt you file the papers?

Answer 9

I think that you should be careful about letting the young lady spend so much time with your son even though you want him to have this time with his other mom, but the more time she spends with him, she just might decide that she wants to keep him.

You can tell her that you are not comfortable with alot of people in your home and you can suggest to meet someplace that is neutral. So that you, your family and your home are safe.

Answer 10

I would def. get something down in writing legally and get something confirmed.  She could legally change her mind at any time right now, this is only an informal agreement and will NOT hold up in court.  You should def. at least in the min. get temporary custody going.  She seems like she is having conflict letting go, since she is still calling herself mommy and wanting to stay the weekend.  The situation sounds sticky to me.  I would not want all the confusion of 2 mommies and then this new guy around.  This is only my advice.  Thanks.

Answer 11

IF you have  "revocable guardianship".

Where she voluntarily gave you guardianship then YES YOU HAVE TO!

She still the mother. You have to do what she says, 'cause even if you have her consent to car for her child, she still has rights and she can take her consent right back.

If you don't want him in your home, then meet somewhere neutral.

If it were me I'd be glac that she would want to include him in her "real" life. Not just someone she needs to sneek of an visit.

I guess for my I look at those times as a chance to make a difference in someones life. For all you know you could be a positive influence on him, if he is what you think he is. you never know.

Maybe meet at a Holiday inn with the indoor water part, it should be fun for all. Even the hardest guys, need to act like a kid sometimes.

ETA- sure she can chose who walkes through her door, but the other mom can choose who "cares" for her child pending the adoption.

Also why does it have to be in "her" home. I'm sure there can be a way to include him without opening herself up to danger.

Answer 12

Your home, your rules.

Suggest they get a room somewhere or she can  just visit alone.

Answer 13

You are being taken advantage of, I have seen this before...

She is going to take the child back, either make it official or give the child up... you are taking care of someone elses kid for them, doing 'the hard part' and she is going to take the child away from you when she is ready to do so.

Again, you are being taken advantage of, you need to do what needs to be done to protect yourself, and the child.

Answer 14

tell her that would be fine after they are married, but you don't want the wrong ideas for the boy - even at such a young age.  you are trying to raise him with good morals and this would set the wrong ideas in place.

Answer 15

Ask her about him.......find out if he is a good person enough to come over....if he does come over make sure you watch every move....Keep that baby boy safe : ) God Bless you and your boy

Answer 16

Wow, that's a tough one.  My first thought was for the safety of the child (I mean, what if the guy is a child molester?), but you have a good point also with the safety of your home.  On the other hand, I'm sure this is also a delicate situation with your son's first mother.  Maybe what you could say is that, by allowing a strange man in your home for the weekend, you could be putting YOURSELF at risk for losing your son to the system.  Granted, it's a long-shot, but if the state found out that you were allowing a man to stay with this child (who obviously can't be taken care of by his first mom), and if this man ends up abusing the child, the state could, conceivably, determine that YOU aren't a fit parent, either.

Of course, they can always stay at a motel if she can't leave the new BF at home for the weekend, and you can visit during the day in a public place.

Best of luck!

Answer 17

Just say to her "I am happy you have a boyfriend and I know how you must be excited to let him meet your son, however I would rather just you stay this time and maybe your boyfriend could meet one lunch time or something" Staying at your house is quite extreme and I don't think many people like randoms staying at their house regardless of the circumstances. Maybe even suggest meeting him without the child for morning tea or something just so you can get to know him more. Then you might like to let him meet the child at say a fair or a lunch out where he would be more likely be polite and he would be less likely to affect the child negatively.

Answer 18

Just be honest with her, but not to the point where you say "I think he is a gang member and sells or does drugs", you might want to leave that part out...But...

Be honest about not feeling comfortable allowing him in the house because you do not know him well and any feeling how you feel this might affect your child.

For example, within the first 27 court ordered scheduled visits the BirthMom only showed up a handful of times.  She was scheduled to see three of her children at these times.  Out of the handful of times she brought a different guy 3 times and each time would tell the older kids, I quote "He will be your new daddy".  Then she would tell them how great he was and how he was "taking care" of her.  Finally we had to address the case worker that she should not be bringing these guys.  She was supposed to be getting her own life together and visiting her children, it was not good for them.  

I would just tell her that at this time it is not healthy to be bringing people in and out of the child's life and expand from there.

Answer 19

No you don't have to let him come but of course if you don't have the adoption plans in paperwork then she can always decide to back out if you don't let him come, i would start to wonder though if she is having all this contact if she won't decide later on that she wants the baby back.  You really need to do this legal to protect the baby.

Answer 20

We discussed this with DS's first parents, and agreed that no boyfriends/girlfriends would be brought to visits for a few years at least, and then only if it was a LTR (not just dating for a few weeks type thing).

We all agreed it would be better for DS. My single parent friends and family are similarly careful with introducing new people to their kids until they know them well (people can put on a "good face" for awhile then show their true colors), and it seemed similar to that to all of us.

Perhaps you can discuss it with her?