Do I just tell or what?

Question

I'm 19, growing up things were hard with my father. No matter how bad it got mom refused to divorce. But the last 4 or 5 years has calmed down a lot with him. He still has violent tendencies but not as bad. But the past month I've been smelling pot outside my room, I have a window ac unit and drew the smell in. I know it wasn't my neighbors, I live in a very strict conservative subdivision. I had a gut feeling it was my father, and yep. He came back inside from the deck way and stopped at my door; eyes glazed over, talking like an idiot and wrecked of the smell. I was so appaled. That night things got pretty bad with him and mother. THe thing is, I didn't tell her, because as how clueless she acts to his antics I think she knows. So lately it's been getting worse and I heard him on his cell yesterday talking about going to the doctor and getting his RX and he'd be right over and trade off. I'm not an idiot, I know what's going on...I walked right by him at that point and he looked like he was going to fall over. He didn't know I had came home. So know he knows I know, and things are really tense here. What exactly should I do, should I just tell mother everything I know or what. This is killing me, I couldn't tell anyone else on the outside of our home, he's a very well known person and no one would believe it.

Answer 1

I would tell her- especially if you think she might already know.  The reason is this: If she knows and isn't doing anything about it, it could be because she doesn't want to hurt you.  Or it could be that she doesn't feel strong enough on her own to confront the situation.  Alternatively she could be feeling that she's misreading things.  After years of trouble, she may no longer trust her instincts.  People who have lived in abusive (physical, mental, verbal, emotional...) often find it difficult to take a stand with their partner. They also often take responsibility for the other person's wrong doing or problems. Your mom might really appreciate your support-even if it's only letting her know what your dad's doing.

By telling her what you know, you'll be confirming what she probably already knows or suspects..  This might help her feel strong enough to do something about it.  Two are stronger than one.  

Although you're an adult in many ways, you're still your father's child and that makes confronting him on your own very difficult (for lots of reasons).

If you feel that you can't go to your mom, then you need to find someone that you can talk to. If you're at college, there are counsellors who can help, and who will maintain confidentiality.  If you're working, you might need to find help outside work.  There are telephone helplines available in most countries and I'd recommend you talking through the issues with someone else.

Please don't just leave it.  Noone should have to live with violence.  And no matter how upstanding your father may appear to the outside world, if he's involved in drugs/dealing drugs then he's brought a criminal element into your life, even if it's only indirectly.

I hope this helps!  God bless you.

Answer 2

maybe it would be better if you sat down and had a talk with your dad before dropping all of this on your mom. maybe let him know how you feel about him doing drugs and ask why he is doing it and maybe you can come to some kind of agreement that if he stops you wont tell your mom or maybe hdoesn'tseek treatment, but if he doesn't than it would be best to let your mom what is going on.

but personally i would try and talk to him and figure out a solution before getting your mother involved. it seems like she already has alot going on.

best of luck.

Answer 3

If you believe your mother knows then you should not tell her, if she hasn't told you it is because she may be embarrassed by it. If there is a chance she doesn't know you should tell her. And you should also know that if there are drugs in the house you live in you could get into trouble if he is caught, especially if they can prove you knew and willingly stayed...