Do I make an undependable friend a bridemaid?

Question

I am getting married and I am in the final process of picking out my bridesmaids. However, I have a problem. I have one friend who lives about 2000 miles away from me who wants to be a bridesmaid. We do not keep in touch all that much and I have closer friends who I would like to put in the wedding instead of her. Additionally, she is extreemly undependable. She is really bad about calling people and I cannot depend on her to do what she says she will. I just do not want the hassle of having her flake out on me during the whole wedding process. Am I a bad person because I have decided not to put her in the wedding? Second, is there a gentle way to tell her why I am not putting her in the wedding without causing a huge blowout? I want her at the wedding, but I do not want to put her in the wedding because of problems that may occur. Any suggestions?

P.S. She has a serious track record of blowing things off that are important to me so that is my main reasoning.

Answer 1

I wouldnt have her in my wedding.

Answer 2

I think you have your mind made up....don't have her in your wedding!  You will be much happier with your decision as your wedding draws closer and once it is over!  I know right now it seems like you might be making an error in judgement because you have been friends for a long time but, you're not!  She will have to live with your decision.  

I was in the same boat....exactly the same boat....during the planning time of my wedding.  I decided not to have my "friend" in the wedding (made it just my two sisters) and she did end up coming, last minute, as a guest.  She brought a friend with her, didn't talk to me, walked past my husband and I multiple times to head to the bar, wouldn't dance when I asked her to join me many times and then stood at the edge of the dance floor after a few drinks and laughed at people dancing (some heavier guests she apparently had to laugh at to make them feel uncomfortable).  It was just awful....and I was glad she took off early because she was just "not drunk enough to party".   That friendship is now over...and it's a shame because it was a 15 year friendship.

Answer 3

I did, and I regret it.

Answer 4

Don't feel bad.  This is you day.  You could tell the truth but you would probably hurt her feelings.  You could tell her you have a limited budget and can only afford to have so many bridesmaids.  Good luck!

Answer 5

No, you don't have to make her a bridesmaid. If she asks you why you didn't chose her, I think the 2,000 miles between you is a good answer. If she is a polite person though, she will not ask.

Answer 6

Bridesmaids don't have to be super-responsible, as long as they can be trusted to show up for the wedding with their outfits. Really, how much do you need her to do?

But it sounds like the real issue is that you have closer friends that you would prefer to have in your wedding party. So pick one of them - not because they are "dependable," but because you feel closer to them. Just send the other girl an invitation, so she can be there for your wedding (if she can make it despite the distance - 2000 miles is a long way).

And if you want to keep her as a friend, DO NOT explain why you don't want her in the wedding - it will hurt her feelings terribly. If she asks about bridesmaids, simply say that you've already chosen attendants. Then change the subject to the food, the gown, or better yet, something non-wedding-related.

Answer 7

Hun, this is your wedding night, your gown and your bridesmaid's.If you think that she is going to be undependable, don't put her in the wedding.C'mon ! This is your special night, the one night that you will never be able to replay again, your not a bad person.You just want the perfect wedding.There is going to be no easy way, she will get hurt.

You need to tell her that you have chosen other bridesmaid's and why.If she really is a true friend, than she'll get over it and be happy that she gets to share this one special night with you.I hope you have a wonderful wedding:)

Answer 8

This is a no brainer.  Do not have her as a bridesmaid.  Give her another job like watching the guest book or handing out the bubbles or whatever you will be using when you leave the church.  Give her a job that anyone could pick up if she should bail on you.  You could ask any one of your friends or relatives to hand out bubbles and as long as they can see it guests will take care of the book but a last minute missing bridesmaid is a little harder to deal with so do not put yourself in that position.  If she gets upset and wants to know why she is not a bridesmaid  try the distance excuse first but if she pushes, tell her the truth, it might help her to change.

Answer 9

It seems to me that you need to tell her honestly why you've decided not to include her. Sit her down and let her know and don't think for a minute that it makes you look like a bad person. She has to know that you don't think that she can take on being a bridesmaid. You need friends that you can depend on at that point in time.

Answer 10

Definitely do not put her in your wedding.  If you want to include her in your wedding but not as a bridesmaid, have her do a reading....a poem, an exerpt from a book, a scripture, etc.  If she flakes out, no big deal.  

You can say because of the fact that you live so far and won't be able to help me in my wedding planning by going with me to wedding appts., etc, I don't want to stress you out with not being able to attend these events or the cost of coming to town frequently to help.  I want my wedding to be enjoyable for you and with out stress.  "Mike" and I would be so happy if you would do a reading for us at our wedding.   It would mean so much to the both of us.

Answer 11

No. My wife's best friend was a horrible bridesmaid because she was not dependable. It's not all about task management, it is also about being the person who is able to keep a level head and make sure the bride is prepared, excited, and not stressed out. A bridesmaid who is dependable is a lot better than a bridesmaid who has a history. Best to give that undependable friend a focused, yet equally important task for the wedding. Maybe something that is needed for the actual day, so that if she's there, she can do it.

Answer 12

NO! Make your day as easy for YOU as possible

Answer 13

Oh put her in with no $$ spent on her, then when she bails you're not out anything.

Answer 14

Don't make her a bridesmaid if you can't easily depend on her. End of story! You have enough going on, and having to worry about a flaky friend won't make your day more enjoyable.

Answer 15

You should NOT include her!!

If she gets upset, remind her of all the times she let you down, and stress that your bridesmaids HAVE TO BE THERE!!!

She will probably get ugly, but hey--what a crappy friend she is already, so not much of a loss. Weddings are like Burger King---you TOTALLY get to have it your way!

My best wishes for a long and happy marriage!

Answer 16

No. Save yourself time and energy now so that in six months you aren't on here asking us how to get rid of an unreliable bridesmaid.

Pick someone without drama.

Answer 17

You can have or not have whomever you want in your wedding.  You do not owe her a position in your bridal party.  Just tell her that because of the distance, it will be difficult for her to be involved the way she needs to be and leave it at that.  If her feelings are hurt, sorry, but it's a little ridiculous to expect to be in someone's wedding.