Do I need to seek Professional Help or Can I work this out on my own?

Question

I have been With my husband for over 10 years now, we have 3 beautiful children ages 7,5, and 18 months... We are military so the normal lifestyles that most have are different for us.. ok, now my issues.. I am at this dead end with my husband... I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore... It's been like this since the second year of our relationship... I have felt like leaving him for 8 years now... But I'm so worried that he will do something stupid like kill himself.. *the only reason I say that is because he told me 8 years ago that if I ever left him that he would have nothing to live for so thats why I worry...I'm so confused right now I can't even think of how to put what I feel into words... I am an outgoing fun loving people person... My husband hates partying *even if it's only once a year HE hates it* He doesn't like crowds or having company over unless it's one of the 2 people that he actually likes... He Is perfectly content with coming home from work and sitting inside watching tv until bed time... I on the other hand have been at home all day with our children and desperately want to get out of the house... He does offer to let me go out and do stuff but when I do go out he will call 30 minutes after I leave asking me where I'm at and what I'm doing and When I'm going to be home...Then when I do get home he is all pissed off at me... He will be all snappy when I ask him how his night was and then he ignores me for a few days..It feels like I'm a prisoner in my own home... And Like I said before he is not physically abusive... I feel that he is mentally abusive to me though and not in the manner that he's calling me names he doesn't do that but anytime I am having fun he has to be rude to the point that I'm crying and never want to do anything... I know that I'm probably not making much sense but I am stretched so thin right now... I just want to move back to my home state with my kids and forget all of this...Like I said before I have felt this way for 8 years, I probably would have left him already but I don't want to put our kids through a divorce and have him off himself... I felt happier when my hubby deployed last year, is that wrong for me to feel like that...? Am I crazy for feeling this way? And Am I just being selfish for wanting to get out and have a few drinks or just go driving around and listen to music without my husband.. Although he doesn't do either of those things and when he use to go out he would gripe at me the entire time telling me that I'm doing everything wrong... Can any of you give me any advice on what I should do.... Please help me out... Thanks

Answer 1

Obviously, 8 years ago when you had an inkling that you did not want to be with him, you should not have had any children with him and broken up.  Since you are past that, lets review your options from this point forward.  For one thing, your husband is very controlling.  That needs to stop.  I would confront him with this if you believe he will not be abusive.  If you do not think he will change from his controlling nature and professional therapy for him or both you is not possible, then the best thing to do is to split up.  The last thing you will want to do is to keep exposing your kids to his controlling environment.  A collaborative and trusting environment is what you need to seek when raising children.  Do not stay with him because of his threat to do physical harm to himself if you split.  You cannot necessarily control what his actions will be if you split, but that cannot be the reason for not splitting.   Also, get advice from family and friends if you still are unsure on what to do.  You may also wish to post this in the "marriage" section for more responses.

Answer 2

SO I am going to get thumbs down but I really don't care.

I am so tired of this "I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore" c**p, Love is not an emotion it is a choice, you made a choice to love cherish and honor him forever, now honor that vow. Seek LOTS of counseling, and talk to him instead of spreading all your marital c**p on line.

~then maybe you need to complain to him the moment it is bothering you instead of letting it build up for so long. Neither of you are mind readers.

Answer 3

Sounds as if you can both deal with some individual and joint counseling regarding your marriage.  I don't believe remaining in a loveless marriage is good for any members of a family as you might believe you're concealing things well enough but children can always tell whenever things aren't working out right.  Would you want your children to grow up thinking their Mother and Father's relationship is normal and using it as a model for their future relationships?  Don't you think the children hear and see the things that go on between you and your husband?   If you could work this out for yourself, don't you think 8 years has been a very long time to start?

If you not happy in the situation you're in how exactly are you going to improve it by remaining where you are with him?  Is he aware you two have a problem and how interested is he in resolving it with you?  My Mother always use to say "it takes two to tango" and if one or both of you have already quit then what is it you're trying to save?  Sometimes divorce is the best solution so all parties can stop pretending and get on with their lives.  Don't hide behind the kids, you would be surprised how much they are capable of surviving....  

Answer 4

I think you might need to seek professional help. There must be a lot more going on than what you've described here.

10 years is a long time feel this way; hopefully you'll get it worked out.

Best of luck!

Answer 5

The best interest of the children should be the deciding factor, not your feelings.

You married for better or for worse and had three kids with this guy, now, because your want your freedom to do what you want when you want you want to leave him high and dry.  What happened to your marriage vows?  Have you no honor or integrity about what you promise to do?

And, much more importantly, what about your children?  Are they to be deprived of a father because you have "bad feelings?   Do you know the statistics of problematical children from broken homes?

It seems to me that you have 17 1/2 years (until the youngest turns 18) to stay where you are before you can think of leaving your man.

Suck it up and be a real woman and mother.

Answer 6

A.  Seek counseling.

B.  You've been at it 8 years don't rush out, but plan a safe and sane out for everyone as best you can.

C.  Take his ammunition away - sorry that was just kind of kidding but in all seriousness you might want to talk to the counselor about empowering him so he doesn't kill himself when you are gone.