Do I really have to accept my inlaws?

Question

I am engaged to a wonderful girl. The problem is that her parents hate me because I'm black--and no that's not an assumption either.

They tell her that i'll beat her, that I probably a 10 kids all with different mothers, that I'm probably using a fake name cause I'm wanted in 15 different states and have a mile long criminal record...

They would ask all kinds of questions about me and I'd answer them to show that I am really not a bad person. They'd counter it with racism.

Where does he get his money? I bet you he's on welfare.

Oh he has a job? How much money does he make?

$800 a month?!? That's pocket change! I make that in 1 week! You can't even feed a goldfish with $800!

Oh, he's in college? Whatever--how can he afford it on $800 a month?

GOVERNMENT GRANTS?!? That's exactly what I'm talking about! My hard earned money going in his pocket! Blacks are always taking handouts, too lazy to work for it. What's he studying?

Chemistry? Give me a break! You think blacks are that smart? He's probably just over there selling drugs to students. Has he been tested for STD's? You know almost all blacks have HIV.

You get the idea. I could have 4 degrees and a Ph.D and they'd still find something wrong with me. This is not to mention that I've seen them following me in their car, and once had a girl come up to me out of nowhere and say "I need a fix bad. Do you have any heroin or cocaine?"

Honestly, I want to marry her in an undisclosed location and just move all the way across the country because I have a feeling I'm going to be dealing with this stupidity for the next 20, 30 years.

She says that she would rather not do that, and that I should try to accept them as family--even if they don't like me.

Is it really possible to have a marriage but just steer clear of inlaws? I won't forbid her to see her family, I just don't want to be involved

Answer 1

You do not have to be involved with the inlaws AT ALL.  They choose how they act and you choose how you react, and that is to not be involved in their lives.

I would marry this girl AS LONG AS she understands that her parents are racist AND she supports you rather than their way of thinking.

If you think she could have a tendency to choose them over you, i wouldnt marry and put myself in that bad situation.

If i had inlaws like them, i would NEVER ever meet them and i would never feel guilty, actually id be happy to not allow such negative small minded people like that in my life!  good luck.

Answer 2

Of course you don't.. but you want to be married for as long as possible, you want to at least get along with the in-laws on some level.

good Luck :)

Answer 3

You do not need to accept them. So long as when you run into them you are cordial. Don't stoop to their level. I am somewhat in the same boat.

I make decent money, they are not racist, but they watch everything I do, and make comments to my wife. I am talking mother, father and children. All my wifes nephews and nieces have no respect for me, they do not even acknowledge my existence.

I love my wife and we have a great relationship minus her family. My family adores her and she feels the same about them.

I do not attend their functions unless it is a major occasion that means a lot to my wife. If you love her and she feels the same about you, all you need to remember is that you are there for each other and the other external family members are secondary to each of you. Good luck, I am sure you can get through it without them.

Answer 4

Marriges are made in heaven.

Answer 5

re: I should try to accept them as family--even if they don't like me.

I sure wouldn't dive into a mess like that unless my mate was willing to take my side over her rotten family!  Some will, but most won't when the chips are down and then you'll be standing there all alone facing your enemy = her and her ignorant, hateful family!

Answer 6

You're being told to accept them "as they are", but they are making no effort to accept you as you are.  I hate to say it, mate, but it sounds like your girlfriend is not even really on your side in this.  If she was serious about building a lifelong partnership with you, she'd demand that her parents treat the man she has chosen with a minimum amount of common decency, regardless of what their general opinion of other races may be.  I think you'll have nothing but misery if you marry this one.  

Answer 7

You should not have to accept them, they should accept you. I don't really think that I would pursue this marriage. It is going to be a long hard road for you. She is already siding with them and they are in the wrong. What happens when the children come and they want their way? She should not expect you to take this treatment from them and it is unfair for her to ask you to.  

Answer 8

just deal with them when you absolutly have to...but you DONT have to accept who they are

Remember, you are in it for HER not her family

Answer 9

Sooner or later she will get tired of them putting you down and she will stand up to them - if she really loves you. But food for thought, if the 2 of you have kids 2gether, how do you think they will treat your kids? Will they accept them and love them? Will they support them in everything?

If you want to give it a go, then I say just deal with them as little as possible, but remember they are her parents - and if you accept her as your wife then you accept all that comes with her.

p.s. will they be attending the wedding?

Well, since they are not coming to the wedding, then I say go for it. If my family was to treat my husband the way that they are treating you, then they would not have been at my wedding. And why should they worry about how you pay for your education - I know plenty of white folks that get grants, student loans, etc for their education. At least you are getting one, and not depending on them for everything. Just make sure that she is going to make you happy and that you are going to make her happy. That is all that matters - the heck with them.

Glad I could help - but just remember, don't be judgemental of others (i.e. the trailer park slashing). Not all people living in a trailer park are trashy people. Some just can't help it. And some just would rather spend their money on other things (I used to live in a trailer park - not a slum park, but one with several mobile homes in it). They probably just think that you are going to do their daughter wrong period. I have 3 daughters of my own, and when the time comes, bless the poor guys that want to be with them cuz mama's gonna givem h**l!! haha!

Hope everything works for you and your girlfriend and maybe one day the parents will come around. Once you graduate from college, buy a house, and make a life taking good care of their daughter, they will probably slack up some.

Answer 10

I would really hesitate in making these people my in laws.  Do you honestly believe that your finacee will ever take your side against them and their racist attitudes?  She should be telling them to accept you and if it had been me I would have walked out when all the attacks on you were made.  These situations rarely improve after marriage, and if she's not taking a stance firmly on your side now (which it sounds like she is not), don't hold out hope for the future.  And I can only imagine the horrible things that will to said about and to your children if you should ever have them.

Answer 11

Any girl that would betray her family and marry someone they didn't like will betray her husband before long.  How do you live on 800 a month and go to college.  I got my bachelors but I could never have done it on 800 a month even with my GI BIll.

Answer 12

OMG

I hate my inlaws too!

And I asked my fiance that too!

I'm lucky that he knows that they treat me unfairly and stick up for me.

He said its my choice if I want them at the wedding.

I think talk to her again and say you feel uncomfortable.

THEY ARE RACIST!

I think moving away is a bit drastic.. dont give in.

Tell her that you will only marry her if her parents learn to keep their mouths shut and leave you alone.

I wouldnt wana be around racists anyway...

She as a wife has the responsibility of taking care of her family and soon YOU will be her family.

Plus.. your marrying her not them.. you dont have to accept them into your family just put up with them during casual family dinners etc.. not all the time.. but do it for your fiance