Do I say something? Passed over as bridesmaid and devastated. ?

Question

A friend who I'd considered my best friend from college and on the short-list for bridesmaid and even maid of honor just picked a date for her wedding. I checked the website recently and I wasn't on the list of 6 bridesmaids - 2 family, 2 grad school and 2 college friends. I've been crying non-stop since. I know it's her day and a hard choice and I should suck it up and be happy for her but I just can't snap out of it. I sent the "i imagine you're stressed, let me know if you need anything email" but still feel blindsided and can't believe this. It hurts so badly. I just want to know why. I met and got along with her fiancee, can afford the bells and whistles, have dropped what's on my full plate for her before and though the years have passed and cities changed, did all I could to stay in touch and let her know that I was a rock/someone she could call at any time and ask anything of. I feel like I was deluded about how dear our friendship was.

I don't want to stress her out but I just can't imagine attending her wedding with this lump in my throat. Any advice? Does this feeling go away? What should I do?

Answer 1

Sorry, but this is her gig and therefore, her decision. 6 bridesmaids is already alot, and considering that she had to put 2 family members, that took the space of two friends.

If it makes you fell any better, I have 4 BM: 2 are my fiance's sister and his cousin (had to do it as a courtesy), the other one is my friend and the other one is a so-so friend that begged and begged and I didn't have the heart to say no. Long story short, my two best friends are NOT in the wedding party. I feel really bad about this as girlfriend #1 has been working around the clock helping me with everything (with me asking) she calls me with advice, tips, has purchased beauty products for me (expensive ones) has already gave an splendid and very generous gift. My other best friend I've known for 12 years. I could not possible have 6 BM if my guest list is only 42 altogether.

Anyway, I'm sure that she wanted to include you, but it's imposible to fit everyone that is special to you and the bridal party. Do not take it personally.

Also, it's costumary to make someone a BM or GM, if you ahve been a GM or Bm on THEIR wedding. Do not assume that she exclude you. Check this out: my fiance's friends are NOT on the wedding party because he added his sister's husband (courtesy), his dad (best man), and he had to for politeness sake add to of his old friends that he seldomly talks to because he was a GM on their weddings... but honestly, they are not close anymore as when they were in college etc. Long story short, his friends are not in becaus eof space, but they will be there as guests.

Good luck...chin up! (and do not say anything, it's not polite and a confrontation about it is pointless, she made a decision, so let it be)

The flip side:

PS/ My so-so friend that I added, is because she begged me (practically). I felt obligated to add her, please do not do this to her! I have an overbloated bridal party as a result and I didn't want a large bridal party to begin with!

Answer 2

I would be honest with her.  If she is such a good friend, you should be able to tell her how you feel.  Tell her that you really thought you would be chosen as a bridesmaid and that you are sad she did not pick you.  Tell her that you love her and are happy for her, but at the same time you would like some clarification about why she did not pick you to be a bridesmaid.   I would still attend her wedding and try to be a good friend.  She may have not realized that you would even want to do this. Honesty is the way to go here...when people hold on to grudges and pain, it can come back to haunt you later.

Answer 3

I'm sorry that you feel slighted. It's going to hurt for a while, but eventually it will pass.

Understand that bridal party decisions are not the end-all-be-all of friendships. It's hard to determine what factors played into her bridesmaid selection, and it may have nothing to do with how close of friends you are. Like you said, years pass and cities change - maybe she chose her bridesmaids out of proximity/convenience?

As cliched as it sounds, give it time. Breathe a little bit. Relish the fact that you now don't have to get stressed out over planning, and focus on something important in your own life.

If she's truly a good friend of yours, try to reconsider your choice about attending the wedding, even if you aren't in the wedding party. Support her just as much as you would if you had been selected as a bridesmaid, and try not to let this get in the way of your happiness for her.

Answer 4

Yes~this feeling will pass!

Go to the wedding with your head high, and be happy for her.

Think of the money you will have saved by being able to

stand by and watch instead of shelling out money for clothes,

showers, bachlorette parties etc.  

Answer 5

Oh my gosh.. Amen. I am going through this same thing with my friend. She says she hasn't "officially" picked her bridesmaids... but I'm sure she has already picked them and I am not one of them. I send her messages like that saying that I am here if she needs a second opinion or anything else. I don't know what to tell you... I am totally devastated too. This sucks. But at least I know I am not the only one.  

Answer 6

well, now you know her even better than you did before, and it is true that for whatever reason, you are her dear friend but not her bridesmaid.  you are mourning the friendship you thought you had.  

certainly do NOT confront her, it is impossible to take it back and to put her on the spot is NOT done.  you will look bad for doing that.  she wont know what to say and will furiously resent you for putting her on the spot, i am cautioning you on this.  

this same thing happened to me and i can tell you from excruciating experience where i too cried like a baby for days, from the shock of realizing the love i had for my dear friend was not the same love she had for me, that the only thing to do is be gracious to a fault,  do not bring it up, attend the wedding with bells on and a happy smile.  i am so so sorry this has happened, but if you do the above you will have nothing to regret.  i know what i am talking about.  

Answer 7

I've gone through exactly what you're going through a good number of times in just the past year. Some very good friends of mine have gone on to get married and not once was I asked to be a bridesmaid. I know exactly how you feel. You feel as though perhaps the friendship doesn't mean as much to them as it does to you. It's definitely a tough thing to go through.

When the girl who called me her best friend got married in '07, she had her bratty irresponsible younger sister as her MOH and her two cousins from all the way out in Texas (we live in Georgia) as her bridesmaids. Because of this, she was constantly telling me to do things for her wedding (not asking, *telling*). Why? "Because I can't trust [Sister] with anything and [Cousins] are too far away!" she would always whine. But since I considered her a dear friend at the time, I helped. Looking back, I wish I could've bucked up the courage to tell her I'd prefer to be a guest and not serve any of the responsibilities that the attendants are responsible for. When I calculated what I spent on her wedding, I came out spending *triple* what her attendants paid.

Another time I was passed over was when a friend of mine (who I now consider my best friend) got married in November. She and her husband just went to the JOP and decided to have the "big shabang-a-bang" this year. She never mentioned anything to me about being a bridesmaid. Not even a hint. However, her husband constantly told my boyfriend that he would be one of the groomsmen. I can't tell you how much it hurt. Especially since my boyfriend was supposed to be the best man for the other friends' marriage (he declined, but that's a WHOLE other story). Although they decided not to do anything in the long run, it still hurts that she wouldn't even have considered me to be a bridesmaid.

I felt so left out that no one wanted me as a bridesmaid. But the absolute worst thing I could've done would be to confront them about their decisions. It already hurts inside to have to hold something like that in, but you don't want to make a friend feel bad as well. I totally understand how much it sucks, trust me I do. But confronting the bride should be the last thing you ever think of. I won't lie and say the pain goes away, because it still hurts to this day. Just try to be happy for your friend and be the best friend you can.  

Answer 8

If you are out of town, maybe she didn't want to burden you, and hersalf with worries of traveling back and forth for all the pre-wedding stuff...

Unfortunately, not everyone is like us only-one-best-friend-in-the-whole-wide-w... kind of people (yeah... I just don't do friends very easily...)

Try to be understanding... that's all we can do...

sorry

Answer 9

So sorry that she didn't include you - that's not cool.

If it helps, maybe this is a blessing in diguise. I am a bridesmaid for my sis in law and I wish now (wedding is tomorrow) that I could just get out of it. She is driving me crazy. I have thrown her showers, spent $300 out of pocket and I haven't gotten so much as a thank you. Today, I was sent on mission impossible for all the bouquet and guys flowers with her NOT placing a floral order and $60. I will be making bouquets tonight. This experience of "supporting" her on her special day has been nothing but a pain in the rear. I cannot even tell you the stress we're going through on her behalf. I am left with 2 dresses (me and my daughter) and shoes we will never wear again and hopefully 1 photo of my son, husband and his dad all in tuxes.

Friends in your life will change like the seasons - only the really special ones will be friends for life. Maybe you just misread her? There are better and finer friends who will cherish you being theirs! Just move forward gracefully - it's all you can do! And - Karma will come back to bite her eventually. She should have been more considerate! Hugs!

Answer 10

My best friend growing up- who i always promised to be my maid of honor- isn't in my wedding in december. It's been yaers since i've hung out with her or even have updated her on my life... we had the SAME RELATIONSHIP, and still do... but i didn't include her.  

my maid of honor is my best friend who i met day1 of college... my 2nd bridesmaid is my other college best friend who i've known over a year now... and my other 2 bridesmaids are my husband's sisters (who i was in both weddings)     and when i made the website, i held off putting the bridesmaids on it..... and then finally, one day, i asked my maid of honor   .."what do i say to her? i feel bad" and she said "you want people beside you that have been through ur relationship with your husband... we've talked non-stop for 4 years, and you haven't talked to her in 4, which is 3/4th of your entire relationship."

so i sucked it up, put it on the web...and i'm sure she's read it. she hasn't said anything, but she's a good sport.

the main reason i didn't put her in is because i can't afford to have 5 bridesmaids and my husband couldn't come up with more than 4 groomsmen. sometimes it's not b/c she didn't want you in it- she had to make atough decision and just wanted those who she's more closer too on a daily basis to be in it.

it's ok, don't take it personal, sometimes theres other factors that go into it

Answer 11

You know nothing about her relationship with these other girls.  I'm sorry you feel slighted, but this is her day and her decision.  Be happy for her and think about why you expected to be in the Bridal Party.  It is an honor to be asked, not a duty or a task.  Rejoice that you get to enjoy her day as a guest instead of dealing with all the crazy!

Answer 12

I think you should respect her decision even though it hurts you.  It is her day and she chose the women that she wants there. Yet, she invited you and still remained your friend after all these years it should amount for something.

Answer 13

Please don't think that your friend doesn't care about you just because you aren't part of the wedding party!

Honestly, you don't know exactly what the thought process was when she chose these girls. Perhaps she was/will be in their weddings and feels compelled to reciprocate. Perhaps she made a pact with her college friends way back in freshman year to be each others' bridesmaids. Don't jump to the conclusion that she doesn't love you!

I was a little hurt when my cousin didn't include me in her wedding party, but it turned out that she was only having her little sister be maid of honor and her older sister is performing the service (she's a minister). I am an usher. Your friend may have another role in mind for you, like reading the Bible or a poem or something.

Just try to be a good friend and stick with it.