Do I speak about my traumatic childhood to my daughter?

Question

She's almost 16, and she acts like she hates me. I would like to share with her a certain event from my past (I was kiddnapped when I was 5, have no memory of it).

I don't know if my talking to her about it would be a way to get her "sympathy" and so therefore she would start treating me a little kinder, or if it would just help her understand who I am (therefore having her be a little less judgemental of me).

At 16, would she give a c**p? Or would it really bother her?

I think if I had known more about my parents' childhoods I would have been more understanding of them. Or maybe just them opening up to me would have been nice.

Answer 1

well you just told people you do not even no and you can not tell your daughter. this may sound odd but she will most likely find out in the future if you do not tell her now. you should really tell your own daughter this.

Answer 2

No I think you would be much better off  to wait until she is older to talk with her about that. All 16 year old girls with good Mom's act like they hate her. Its a normal thing for her to act that way at this age.

Answer 3

Hi At 16 her hormones are still going all over the place, I would not tell her anything, Somthing may have happened to her that she does not seem to be able to communicate to you,

It maybe she feels you do not listen to her, and just show your protective side. I would take her out for pizza and talk about things in general and try and find what is really bugging her, Dont try an get sympthy from her it won;t work.

Do not react in any way when she start telling you things accept the critisism and say your work on it

Answer 4

If you can get her to listen. Talking about kidnapping in a general way might not be a bad way to start. (We all are vulnerable to becoming kidnap victims, especially females.) Share with her a newspaper story about kidnapping victims and what precautions every one should take to avoid becoming a victim. When the time is right, share your personal experience with her. (I say newspaper article, because it's something you can have in hand to read and talk about, as opposed to something you might hear on a radio or television broadcast.)

Answer 5

Spelling Bee-otch,

Leave it. Tell her later in life because you don't want her to empathize for you! That is the wrong reason to stop rebelling against you. My dad grew up on the streets when he was a boy and he always tells me that if he were me he would be able to do great things that I can't do because he didn't have that oppurtunity when he was a child. Instead of feeling empathy, I feel hate because his childhood has nothing to do with me! It doesn't affect me, therefore I don't care and it makes me feel as though I can't live up to his "great" achievements.

If you want her to understand your depressive "moments" than leave it because she won't be able to understand. She can't sympathize for you because she doesn't know how it felt. She'll either:

1) Rebel more because she thinks she has to meet higher standards

2) Try to empathize for you, which is the wrong reason to get her to stop rebelling

Talk to her when she was matured more. If she does ask why you don't visit family tell her that you had problems as a child and your family just didn't understand so you resent them. Leave out the kidnapping ordeal. She will actually be able to relate family members not understanding. Tell her that you don't want to lose talking-terms with her when she is an adult, she will definitely be able to understand that more than a kidnapping.

Good Luck, ultimately the decision is up to you,

Catherine

Answer 6

I'm a bit younger than your daughter, but if I were her I'd think it was either a) something that my mom could use against me or b) "so that's why my mom's traumatized..."

I would tell her, because it's best that she know something big like that. It would give her a better understanding of you, and would probably make your mother-daughter bond stronger. Unless, of course, when she smarts off to you you say, "well you weren't kidnapped when you were five" or something to use against her. Don't do that, or it'll just make her "hate" you more. And she does not hate you hate you, you just don't understand her, and she doesn't really understand you. Maybe you can have a mother-daughter night type thing where you drive somewhere or you watch a movie together or something like that so you can put her in a somewhat calm mood before you tell her. Don't just say "we need to talk about something" because then she'll think she's in trouble.

I'm sorry you had to go through something like that when you were a child, and I hope you are helped through it even, however many years later. And good luck with your daughter.

Answer 7

Yes I think you should it may strengthen the bond you two should have. My grandmother died when my mom was 7 and a friend of hers helped my grandfather raise my mom the woman beat her on a daily basis and one of her son's raped her it helped me to understand why she would go into deep depressions and just her in general. Good luck (if you're even a half decent mother she doesn't hate you she just doesn't understand you or why you do what you do)

Answer 8

Leave it.

Answer 9

To Be Honest,

I Dont Think You Should,

It Could Scar Her Just Like It Did To You.

x

Answer 10

"I was kiddnapped when I was 5, have no memory of it" how can it be traumatic if you cant remember it? how can you tell her if you have no memory of it? she will think you are trying to emotionally black mail her into being nice to you. i know my mothers childhood and shes still a son of a *****.  

Answer 11

I think you're going the wrong way about this, you shouldn't tell her this just because you want her to be sympathetic with you.

You need to look at the bigger picture, at 16 she probably won't think much of it and you are the only one who is going to get hurt if she is not sympathetic towards you.

Leave it till shes more mature.

Answer 12

you might as well give it a shot. actually, i encourage you to.

my mom has talked about some bad time from her past and im 14.

your daughter should hear it.

Answer 13

I think it'll bother her but you should tell her. When my mother told me certain bad things that happened to her I got quite upset. But I think it's good if she understands what kind of things happen to people and how they shape a person. Don't expect much sympathy or getting treated better though.

Answer 14

I am so sorry that happened to you. Don't listen to the person who said "how can it be traumatic if you don't remember it?" Some people can be such bigots on here, I think they get pleasure out if it.

Anyway. My mom was molested when she was a very young kid. She told me about it (not in detail, but she told me about it) when I was a teenager. I was going through some stuff at the time, and she told me about it and I felt bad for her and gave her a hug and listened to her cry but...it disturbed me. It really bothered me, for a while, that somebody did that to her, and because I was already stressed, it just made it worse. I used to think about it at night and what I would do to the idiot if I ever came across him. I worried a bit about being raped myself. It made things around my mom awkward for a while- I didn't know what to say or do. I found the whole thing hard to understand, and I didn't know how to make mom feel better or what to say and it was awkward. I did wonder at one point whether she was just telling me this so I would stop feeling sorry for myself (but I had reason to be upset in this situation in my life) or if she was just trying to be the center of attention. In retrospect, I wish she had waited a few years to tell me.

At the same time, it kind of made my mom more understandable- I understood all of a sudden why she never wanted to talk to me about s*x and why she had some stress and depression issues, also why she never let us stay with our grandparents alone (the abuse happened, not by them, but under their care.)

So I have mixed feelings about this. If your daughter is disrespectful to you, this may give her ammunition if she's in an especially cruel mood to use this against you, make digs, or make you feel worse. Also, if this isn't something you want to be public knowledge, be careful- not all sixteen year olds are capable of keeping secrets yet.

If you do decide to tell your daughter, I would just say that you were kidnapped at five and have no memory and leave it at that. Details could haunt a kid. And definitely tell her when she isn't upset about something else! But you may want to wait a year or two or more until she can absorb this better. It's hard for kids to deal with or understand adult problems.

Good luck :)

Answer 15

You'd be better off getting to the root of why she hates you than asking for sympathy.

Answer 16

Well, surely don't tell her as a sympathy ploy -- that almost never works, and why would you want sympathy and pity from your daughter?  It's hard to maintain authority if she feels sorry for you.

However, I think it's sad that, sometime in the last 16 years, you haven't brought up the fact that you were kidnapped.  That seems like such a crucial fact of your life.  Maybe not when she was 5 or 6 or so, but certainly, once she got old enough to understand (12+).  Certainly tell her, but not out of some misplaced play for sympathy, but just as a way to share your life with her.

Nothing you can do is going to make her less judgemental of you -- that's her nature, and it's a way that some teens establish their own independence, by criticizing the parental authority figures.  However, there's a difference between being judgemental and being disrespectful -- you want to encourage her to use her judgement, but good manners dictate that you still show your parents respect.  For example, I take my 17 year old daughter shopping with me, because, frankly, she's got a better eye for what looks good than I do.  She's judgmental in the store ("MOM!  NO!  Yuck!") but never disrespectfully (she'll laugh, and say, "No, here, try this top, it goes better with your other skirt, too.")  

TALK to her.  Teenagers need to be talked TO (not AT).  They may look like they are blowing you off, but believe me, they are taking in every word.  

Answer 17

I think you should tell your daughter what happened to you and your reasoning for things. But I don't think you should do it for sympathy.

I am a 16 year old and for the longest time I didn't know or realize why my mom was not letting me do stuff that normal teens do, she wont let me party, she wont let me be alone with a guy and a whole bunch of other things. But when I asked her why she broke down and finally told me. ALOT of traumatic things have happened to her, she's been raped, she's been beaten, and shes had friends that have had all that happen to her. It scares her to let me have the least bit of freedom and you know what I am thankful for that.

So sit your daughter down and tell her what happend. Dont try to get sympathy from her. Just tell her what has happend. Open up to her and be honest. I know it worked for me and my mom, I began to see her as a strong women and somebody to admire. You may not see a change in her right a way, it takes time for these things to sink in. But since she has told and been completely honest, I have opened up to her and I have been more understanding with her.

But honestly if you use your traumatic experiences as pity stories, thats not the way you are going to have your daughter see you in a different light.

Answer 18

I'm 15 and well don't really care about my mum. We just don't get on. She didn't have the best childhood and she tells me quite often and uses it against me. You think you have it so hard etc..Your daughter is just being normal. I'd wait until she was older and more mature. Because even if she did care, I don't think she'd show it. Hope this helps (:  

Answer 19

~~Dear Mom...I can understand what you are saying...but I myself being the mother of a 17 year old daughter...one thing we have to remember as moms is the Stress and Pressure OUR children are under. That was one reason I had decided years ago to keep some things to myself (away from my 3 children)regarding the reasons I may act one way or do certain things, THINKING I was PROTECTING THEM...well one night a couple of weeks ago my USUALLY well-behaved daughter got Drunk and came home with a particularly nasty attitude and acted toward me in a way she has NEVER in her life acted...well the next day I sat her down and discussed with her MANY of the reasons for some of my actions at times...SHE and I cried and she said "MOM...If you don't tell me things and TRUST me to be there for you...how am I supposed to know how to react to situations I don't understand...we sat and talked for hours and even though we have been VERY close all of her life, she and I are BACK to being the Same mother and daughter team we were before she started acting out a few months back...Trust your Instincts...if your HEART is telling you to talk to your daughter about this...Then DO IT!  You are the one who knows your relationship with her~~JUST do not use this to try to make her feel guilty in any way...tell her to share with her now that she is older~~Aloha and Good Luck Mom~~Michelle~~

Answer 20

If you do not remember it, how can it have been traumatic? Why would telling her this story make her feel sympathetic? I find it sad that you feel you must cause your child anxiety to make her like you. Of course she likes you.........I am sure she even loves you. She is a teen....talk to her, try to understand who she is instead of trying to make her understand who you are.

Answer 21

My mom was sexually abused as a child and when I found out I was shocked! I def. started feeling for her and gave her less of my attitude.  

Answer 22

It's an unfortunate thing that happened to you, but honestly at 16 I really don't think she'll give a c**p, to use your own words.

Unless it has some relevance to the way you are raising her, such as if you are super-vigilant about where she's going, when, with who, etc, as a result of your own experience. That stuff can drive a teen crazy, even if it is for their own good.

You've got your whole lives ahead of you though, it may be wise to wait until she snaps out of her self-centered universe in a few years, and you can bond as two adults.

Good luck until you get to that point!

Answer 23

im going to be blunt just so you know in advance

your daughter is NOT going to feel sorry for you because of a"traumatic" experiance you claim "traumatized" you although you can not tell her any details?..i wouldnt even feel sorry for you.  she WILL know its an excuse for you to TRY to get her to feel sorry for you so she will be nicer.

you are also asumming your daughter hates you..so instead of sitting her down and talking to her like her PARENT to get the bottom of the problem of why she is treating you with disrespect like a NORMAL teenager does..you are askng for pity.  your daughter is not going to show kindness about this, its just going to make her angry.

so grow up and be a parent..get to the bottom of the problem to see why she has the atitude towards you. 9 times out of 10..it will have nothing to do with the parent..its probably something else ( such as school, maybe guy troubles, socil status, ect) which is why you need to be the adult and talk to her instead of asking for sympathy.  a decent parent wouldnt ask for such a thing. understanding yes, but not sympathy.

you daughter doesnt hate you..she is being normal...does it suck, upset you and anger you

?..sure it does teengers are mean and disrespectful half the time..will it pass?..yes..eventually she will be an adult herself and realize what she put you though emotionally...anything you can do about it?..no not much except tell her everyday you love her and youll always be there for her...she wll eventually come around

Answer 24

To be honest why does she need to know about what happened to you and what will she gain by knowing about it, you need to get to the root of her problems because she defiantly has some because 'Hate' is a strong word to use against her mum i have never once said i hate my mum ever in my life, she doesn't want to know about you that 'Past' talk about the future that of You and Your daughter