Do I tell her or not?!?!?

Question

Ok, so one of my very best friends is going to marry her highschool sweetheart in October. (I'm not real fond of him, btw.) However, she has spent practically every waking moment of the last 5 months with a guy she works with, who's also a friend of mine, who is absolutely HEAD OVER HEELS in love with her. He doesn't want to tell her because he doesn't want to ruin her wedding and perfect fantasy world that she's living in, and he says her loves her enough to just want her to be happy, but I also have to deal with the fact that she was drinking one night and told me she has feelings for him, too. (Now she won't really talk about him much.) I don't want to hurt her or upset her, but I think she's making a huge mistake. I'm gonna have to wear duct tape over my mouth during the "does anyone object" part at the wedding!! What should I do?!?!

Oh, and by the way, the fiance doesn't seem to care that she's spending all this time with another guy...which is just plain weird to me.

Thanks for your input!!!

Answer 1

Wow, that is a tough one but I am going to try to be as short and sweet on this delicate subject...

Tell her but do it w/ tacked(sp) ~ make sure it is not in a "drunk" state on either part

Make sure she knows that you realize the feelings towards her fiance aren't always the best but the feelings toward her are in her best interest

Simply tell her that you will be there no matter her decision but as friends you wanted to let her know just in case she had any second thoughts

Also, explain that the other guy is really protecting her feeling as well and truly cares about her and her happiness so didn't want to ruin anything even though he feels so deeply for her

I didn't stop a wedding that I knew was not right w/ a best friend of mine and lets just say the outcome was horrible ~ no matter her decision in the end I would not regret it as much as I regret never saying anything to her.  (I will spare you the details of what happened to her)

The point though is that you need to communicate w/ her no matter how much she may be upset in the beginning

Cheering for her HAPPINESS  

Answer 2

It's her mistake to make. If it were me, I would sit my friend down and just talk with her about things and ask her what's going on in her head. She is a big girl, you can tell her what you are seeing but that is all. She has to make her own decisions.

Answer 3

I would tell her, but in a casual FYI kind of way, not an intervention-type way.  The earlier you tell her (ie the less planning she has done), the better.

Answer 4

i think you should tell her or it will ride your mind for the rest of your life

Answer 5

I would tell her. If she's really your best friend then she will listen to what you have to say. I would first try to figure out how much she likes that other guy. And you have to judge whether she likes him enough to stop the wedding. Then decide to tell her or not. But if she's crazy about her fiance and just sorta likes that other guy, then I wouldn't. You don't want your best friend mad at you just before her wedding. Good luck!

Answer 6

I understand your dilemma.  I would like to see you speak up.  Here's a sample of how you can go about it.

'Sue, you are my best friend in the whole world and you know I love you dearly.  I have something to tell you that is really hard for me to say and it might be hard for you to hear.  I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say something.  Please hear me out.

I know you and Bill are getting married in October.  And yet, I've seen how you are around Jeff.  It makes me wonder if Bill if really is the right person.  I am concerned that you might be going ahead with the wedding to Bill just because the train is on the tracks and you don't know how to stop it.

Are you REALLY sure Bill is the guy for you?  In your heart of hearts, are you sure?  You don't even have to answer me, but I need you to search within yourself and be absolutely sure.

If you're not sure, and you want to postpone the wedding, I'll help you get through it.  If you are sure, I'll be at your side at the wedding and won't say another word about this."

Answer 7

just talk to her about it  

Answer 8

i would tell her. Marriage is really important. if there is a guy that loves her that much; she should know.

Answer 9

OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell her ! what are you waiting for ? you will have regrets about NOT DOING THE RIGTH THING  the rest of your life , you are just been honest, or just talk to both of them separate about telling each other how they really feel ...Tell her , marriage is not an easy boat , if you are not completelly in love and crazy about spending your whole life with that person ....them don't do it ! TALK TO THEM ...NOW !

Answer 10

what kind of friend would you be to let her go through with this mess and end up even more hurt down the road with a possible divorce or something when she could have kids involved. you know better and you know that it's killing them too. you need to get it straight and tell her. don't let her go through with this h**l she might be entering just because you don't wanna feel like you hurt her feelings. that is sorta selfish to do. Would you want her not to tell you if you were in her position. obviously her life isn't as fantasy like as you all think it is. Please do yourself a favor and tell her. It will all be worth it. Don't keep this in otherwise you will regret it!!!! and she will be even more hurt if you don't tell her rather than you telling her. Please this isn't just some little thing. It's lives that we're dealing with here!! and emotions. Do the right thing.

Answer 11

u know she is probably just spending extra time with this guy because she is nervous about spending the rest of her life with someone. its probably a nice distraction because i bet she is freakin out in her head.

the fiance probably doesnt seem to care because he doesnt see this guy as a threat. he is probably confident in their relationship and TRUSTS HER, which is a GOOD thing!

if it were my friend, i would ask her if she is sure about what she is about to do. if she says yes, drop it, leave it alone, dont try to convice her otherwise because i bet once the wedding is over and they have had their honeymoon she wont be so interested in this guy anymore.

Answer 12

YOU NEED TO TELL HER THAT THIS OTHER GUY HAS FEELINGS FOR HER.

IT IS UP TO HER THEN WHAT TO DO

but you must really really do it. You know that she is making a mistake marrying this guy. You are wrong if you try to make her change her mind - and you are also wrong if you do not give her the information so that she can make an informed decision about her future!!!!!!!!!!!!!

email me and tell me what you do! i sincerely hope you listen to me.  

Answer 13

Okay, I would NOT tell her that he has feelings for her; that is for him to do, not you.  I also would NOT convince him to tell her; that is for him to decide on his own, and you don't want to feel responsible if it backfires on him!

I think all you can do is express your concern (privately) to her that she just doesn't seem as happy with the fiance' as she does when she's with the other guy.  Tell her you love and support her in whatever she does, and you only have her happiness in mind.  Say, if the fiance' is really the one to make her happy forever and she is truly convinced he's the one for her, then you are all in!  If not, you are going to support her if she decides to do something else.

Then, leave it!  That's all you can do.  If she feels like you are trying to get her to leave the fiance' she may resent you for it.

Answer 14

First off, keep in mind how many 'crushes' we've all 'had feelings for' in middle/high school that we hardly even think of anymore. Just because she 'has feelings' for this coworker, and he 'has feelings' for her and is 'head over heels in love' with her (the same wording I used with half of the guys I dated in high school, funny thing about that) doesn't mean that she needs to call off the wedding and choose coworker instead of fiance. Our culture gets very confusing, since we use the same word - 'love' - for everything from crushes to a deep, life-long commitment.

So the fact that she 'has feelings' doesn't concern me much - however, the fact that she's 'spending every waking moment' with this coworker does. You might sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her, saying that you're concerned about her relationship because she is engaged to one man, but is spending much more time wtih a different man. Ask her if there is something troubling her in her relationship to her fiance, or if there is something she feels she's getting out of her relationship with the coworker that she doesn't from her fiance. Be gentle, as a concerned friend, and listen to what she has to say. Advise her to talk to her fiance about the matter - if she feels something is lacking in her relationship that is causing her to spend so much time with this other man, it needs to be addressed before they take their vows. The fiance might not even be aware of whatever she desires and will be able to step into that role if she only asks.

As far as telling her about the coworker's feelings for her, I think that's his job, not yours. However, you may need to advise her to talk to the coworker as well, so they can define their relationship to each other.

Answer 15

Her fiance may not be bothered because he is secure enough in his relationship not to worry.  Just because you don't like him, it doesn't mean that he may not be a great guy for her- though it doesn't mean you're wrong, either.

You might want to take both of them aside and have a heart-to-heart chat with each of them privately.  You can tell your lady friend that you've noticed that she seems happier talking about the "other guy", and that you feel from her attitude she isn't on a path that will ultimately lead to a fulfilled life for her.  You may also want to take your gentleman friend aside and tell him what you've noticed, and encourage him to speak up.  If you are convinced her fiance will not make her happy, and he genuinely wants her to be happy, he will probably do better to get it off his chest now, before the wedding happens and it takes an expensive annulment or divorce to fix the potential mistake.

However, it really is not your place to tell your female friend the feelings your male friend confessed to you in confidence.  He expressed them to you in a placement of trust, and it isn't right of you to betray that.  This is all just my opinion, of course, but I feel that if he has feelings for her, he needs to be the one who decides when (or even if) he tells her.  Sit tight, and listen to both of your friends.  Being there for them in this sticky situation may not seem like the most active path toward their happiness, but it may very well be the best thing you can do.

Answer 16

If she made a mistake, there's always divorce

let her make up her own mind