Do I try to salvage a relationship with my 17 yr old daughter when all she wants out of me is money?

Question

Seems that in the last year the only time my daughter (a 17 year old junior in high school) talks to me is when she wants money. The most recent episode was today. She totaled out her car and was nearly killed in the accident. I found out through a friend who read her personal webpage and called me about it. She has denied me access to her webpage. Anyway....Neither she or my ex-wife called me to tell me about the accident but rather I got an email from my daughter saying she needed "Her Money" in "Her Account" to get a new car and for me to send it ASAP. She also said she knew better then to ask me for money but that this was HER money. I put this money in this account for her for a car when she started college. About a month ago, I had gotten mad at her for spending $800.00 on a high school ring, didn't consult me or ask me how much I would contribute but gave me the bill and said Mom wants your half now. She never offered to show me the ring which I found out later she had the last 2 times I saw her. I did give her the money but told her that due to the financial situation that I was currently in, she needed to ask me before she spent money that she expected me to pay half on. I recently had to close down my (at one time very successful real estate company) business and let all 10 of my employees go. I currently am working 3 jobs to try to recover my major loses. My daughter knows all of this but doesn't seem to care. This is a very complicated situation....my daughter has been seriously ill and on chemo from age 7 till she was 15. She recently went into remission. Because of her illness I guess I've created a monster as I've never told her no before. I divorced her mom nearly 16 years ago. I've always paid her support, half her medical and travel to the hospital. I even paid my ex-wifes missed wages when she took her up to the hospital 4 hours away. I've never missed a payment and have never questioned the extras. Now money is very tight and I'm fighting to keep my wife of 8 years, my 2 year old daughter and I from being homeless. I've started saying no. My ex is loving it and taking total advantage of the situation to sever of relationship. The last conversation I had prior to this last email was my ex-wife calling me to tell me that my daughter never wanted to see or speak to me again. I have tried to be the best Dad possible. My currently wife is so upset about this as she sees what it's doing to me. My daughter has not returned any of my phone calls or emails for the past month and now has her hand out once again. Since she won't take my calls, I plan to email her and tell her that we need to meet face to face to discuss this matter or I will not consider releasing the money to her. Is this the right thing to do?

Answer 1

Do not give her a dime. If she is willing to throw away her relationship with her dad over money then you need to allow her to do that. You mentioned her being sick while growing up... don't you think that surviving something like that would make her see how important family is and how unimportant money is? You have payed your dues. In fact, you have probably put more money into her than her mom has. They are going to make you out to be the bad guy no matter what you do/say. If I were you I would tell her that you are in no position to lend or give money right now, and if that effects how she feels about you then you will just have to accept that, even though you love her very much and would love to have her be a positive part of your life.

Then you need to let it go and focus on staying above water financially for your two year old who does need you right now... and not just for your money. You have a wife and child to think about and your eldest child should not come first just because she was there first. Let her know that she is important to you and that you love her. And then get on with your life. She will either come around and respect you more for it one day, or she will cut you off forever. It's all her choice though. Sometimes you just have to learn to let go... at least long enough for them to grow up on their own a bit and realize their mistakes.

Answer 2

You are better than me, I would not give her anything. If she is not considerate enough to keep in touch, then I am not considerate enough to pay for it, especially since it would be a strain on your current family.

You are going to have to practice some tough love.

Answer 3

I lost my daughter in 2000 in a car accident> If it just a little money and it won't hurt you do your best to make sure if she is getting a car that the car company calls you so the funds go to what she is getting> It's not your daughter it the mother that has control over what she says as she has to live with her>Your current wifes thoughts?? it's your daughter and she can't be replaced>wives can>Did she have insurance on the car she was driving if so than where's the $> Just my though> Keep the lines of comumation open> Do your best it will come back some day when you least expect it>don't demand to much from her as she is being guided by her mother>

Another though is in Florida on/line if you know her DL you can go to Your state DL and see if you can add your name and # as a contact incase of emergency> Think about it before do anything that will put more pressure on your daughter & you>> Your dealing with a child not an adult>

Answer 4

yes it is stand your ground

Answer 5

Its your money so you need to call the shots. She will get over it if she doesnt like it but after telling you she wont talk to you then you dont need to go out of your way for an ungrateful daughter. She needs to understand that your financial status has changed and that you also have your own family to worry about. Youve done everything you could to please her but now she wants more and her personal banker  is in financial ruin, but youve been the best Father you could have been. Dont let her walk all over you here.Shes now old enough to understand the reality of life nowadays. True she may not want to talk to you now but the days coming when she will need her Daddy and come running back. Youve just got to do what you have to do

Answer 6

You hit the nail right on the head my friend.

Answer 7

Don't give her the money. She knows the problems you are having, and she is being very selfish. She wrecked her car, she needs to get the money herself. I think it's smart you want to meet with her, but she needs to understand you are more than  just a paycheck.

Answer 8

Yes, it's absolutely the right thing to do!  Presumably you pay child support and possibly alimony - that's supposed to cover your daughter's expenses (although I realise, in your case, it's a little different).  She's in remission now though, so hopefully it will remain that way.  If you're paying child support etc, you need to tell your ex wife that she'll have to fund things from that.  No doubt she'll be furious etc, but you have a new wife and another child to think about now - you cannot bankrupt yourself trying to pay for non-essentials for your daughter.  To be honest, she needs to grow up a little bit and realise that things have to be paid for - she cannot continue to just put her hand out for money all the time.

Good luck.

Answer 9

You should stand your ground!!

For yourself, wife and 2 year old daughter to eat, sleep and be healthy is much more important than your older daughter's selfish spending!

You seem like a wonderful dad and she should be grateful to have you! For her to spend your money like water is unexceptable..Even after what she has been through!!

Good luck in the future!

Answer 10

Wowie...Thats a plate full....I agree with you...the very least she can do is meet with you and spend some time with you...you need to see what kind of condition she may be in...spoiled or not she needs boundries and some time with her dad and make her call you weekly.....sorry but thats just life... and your life and wife and baby are important also.... she is old enough to be able to handle daddy not buying her a car right away after she just wrecked one...I bought my boys clunkers till they got all that racing and speeding stuff out of their system....then I signed for them but they had to pay for their own vehicles.. nothing fancy either. and I made them wait a while to see what it felt like not to have a ride...mean mother love LOL!...blessings to all of you...

Answer 11

Your being abused and your current wife is justified being upset.

Cut this spoiled brat off. One day she will realise her mistake and come back to you hopefully. If not your continuing to give financially till it hurts will do nothing but tear down your current marriage.

Answer 12

I think that your daughter feels that there is some kind if debt you owe her, otherwise i see no other reason why she would be so selfish and rude. If you and your ex-wife ended on bad terms, then there is a strong likelihood that your daughter hears biased stories from her.

I think you should email her saying you should meet face-to-face because there is something she obviously needs to get off her chest. If she does decide to meet you, you need to make it clear that you are there to love and support her but this is becoming a habit that you're not comfortable with.

As long as you always make it clear you're there for her, she will realise her mistakes.

Good luck =]