Do Other Adoptees Feel a Divided Loyalty?

Question

toward their adoptive parents and their real parents. I feel fiercely protective of both and also guilt and fear for searching for the truth of my origins even though I have family support

Answer 1

My real parents are my adoptive parents. They were the ones there for me throughout my whole life. They gave me love and encouragement, hopes and dreams, family and memories. I feel very little need to find my biological parents. I know the back story as to why I was adopted and that is enough for me. My mom has my bios info if I ever really wanted to get in touch with them. She is incredibly supportive on the subject and willing to help me if I need it. I do however want to find my biological brothers. In this I feel a bit of guilt because I don't want to upset their lives if they don't know or want to know about me. Again my mom has some of information on them, but it's harder being that they were adopted at seperate times and each family has their own preferences on how to handle it. But I feel no divided devotion to my parents. They are mine and I love them entirely.

Answer 2

Oh yeah.  Oh, heck yeah!  My emotions about this are all over the map.  I feel that the world expects me to "choose" one set of parents by designating them the "real" ones, but I can't do that!  They're ALL FOUR real.  It is not healthy or realistic for me to idolize or demonize any of them.  

Being adopted gave me a different set of obstacles to deal with than non-adoptees have.  I wish society in general could accept that without feeling that adoptive parents, first parents, or adoptees must somehow be "wrong" for our truths, our thoughts and our feelings.  I'm not "anti-adoption," I'm pro-reality.

Answer 3

I never really new my birth parents so im only defensive of my adoptive parents since they were the ones who took care of me

Answer 4

You are normal and evidently been raised by a loving family. That is why you feel guilty. You are so lucky to have the family support, run with it.

Answer 5

dvided loyalty. Maybe with time I won't I haven't met them f2f yet. and I am twin. My twin sis and I can both go through the journey together. : )

Answer 6

I ditto everything Cowboy Fan said. We have a very similar adoption where the birth mother is an extension of our family and has been involved in our daughter's life from the beginning. This is the only way I would consider adoption so my daughter would not have to feel like she has to choose or go through life feeling the pain I hear so much about from other adoptee's in this category. My daughter loves all of us.

Answer 7

I know this is for adoptees but I'd like to share my experience as an adoptive parent with an open adoption.

I think this problem can be solved through a true open adoption (not the ones where they say it is open but then change after the baby is formally adopted). If you allow your child to have a relationship with their natural mother, then there wouldn't be any divided loyalty. I truly feel like my son's natural mother is an extension of me and our family. Therefore, there is no division.

The world has not opened up to this concept yet. I hate the way people treat me like I'm stupid when I tell them about the relationship we have with our son's natural mother. They say things like "well just don't let her ever come to your house". Like she's going to come in guns blazing and try to steal my son. It's so ridiculous. They treat you like your so naive to believe that it can work. I'm like the least naive person ever. Our relationship works because we are all decent people who love and care for one another. People also think that she is going to want my son back if she spends time with him. This is so ironic because the more time she spends with him. and sees that he's happy, the better she feels about her choice to put him up for adoption. The way people perceive open adoptions is so backwards. Also, my son will not have to worry about having divided loyalty because I defend her myself to other people.

The saddest part is that most of this thinking comes from other women.

Answer 8

I do. I know my aparents know that I love them a lot- but I've always felt like if I do this, or that, will they feel bad? Will they be sad? Will they think I think they don't love me enough?

But even if they do feel that way you need to do what you need to do. Its not about your parents (any of them) - its about you finding out about your history and your life. Don't be afraid! If finding your birth family and your history is something you want to do- go for it.

Answer 9

no i feel nothing for ether of them

Answer 10

Yes I do feel a divided loyalty.  My adoptive mother is very supportive of my search.  In fact she is helping in getting my records as I type this.  

I have some truth but I want it all.  I had a good life but that for me is not the issue.  Its about me with my search.  One of the few times that I have allowed myself to be selfish.  I don't expect a relationship but I want the information of my first eight weeks of my life.  Its something that my daughters as well need to have.

Answer 11

Yes and no. I'm very protective of my adoptive parents. I mean if any one tired to mess with them i would be there to stand up for them! I did feel gulity at first about my birth family and wanting to have a relationship with them. But the wonderful adoptive parents that I have, re-assured me that I shouldn't feel gulity. It was my right to know them.(i so love my adoptive parents!) They were secure enough in their love for me that me talking to my birth family didn't bother them. They so encouraged it. In fact I'm starting to reconnect with my grandma after 10 years. And guess who helped me in my search? my adoptive mom! So, now i don't have divided loyalty's. I have families and I love them all!

peace,

healing adoptee

Answer 12

When I was younger I despised everything my "natural" mother stood for. She was 15 when I was born, and had 4 kids by 18.  We were neglected and abused when DCFS took custody of us and placed us in different foster homes. I worked most of my life to be nothing like her, and considered my adoptive parents to be my only parents.

Then I became a parent myself. I realized first of all how difficult it can be to be a parent at my age, and I was 20 when my oldest was born. How much more difficult could it have been if I had been 15? I also realized it was her parents that were bad parents, after all who allows their child to get pregnant 4 times before 18? once maybe, but four times?

I still consider my adoptive parents the most important parents in my life, but I would be open to meeting my birth mother, if she searched for me. I won't ever search for her.

Answer 13

Yes.

It seems almost impossible to avoid.  When I think about it, I realize that our situation is, in some ways, unique.  Society prepares us to have four grandparents.  We are accustomed to calling two women "grandma."  (At least, I was.)  No problems in saying "my grandma" or even "my other grandma" to one of them.

But with parents, we don't have the same set-up.  (Maybe someone has this experience with step-parents, but it didn't arise for me.  My step-parents were never very parent-like, and I had no reason to worry about my feelings towards them.)  With parents, society expects one mom and one dad.  And that's it.  

I don't know what the dynamic would be if I had been mistreated by my aparents, or if my nmom had rejected me.  But neither of those things happened to me.  I have three people whom I love and feel similar for.  But I have no words for it.  Calling my nmom "mom" makes me feel as though I'm not being true to my amom.  And calling my amom "mom" when talking to my nmom seems to deny the very real bond my nmom and I have.

And language is just one small part of it.  Who do I call first with big news?  Who do I spend special occasions with?  (They don't all live in the same state, so that's not an option.)  How do I feel about them?

I'm extremely protective of my aparents.  I always have been.  About everything.  I am constantly balancing out my feelings towards them.  (They divorced.  So I have had to deal with questions of loyalty between them for most of my life.  Adding a third parent just complicates an already difficult situation.)  But I've also become extremely protective of my nmom.  

And all of that just underlies the real problem.  I'm still trying to take care of my parents.  I've been doing this for nearly thirty years.  I don't often stop and figure out what I need to do to take care of me.  Indeed, trying to take care of myself, whatever form it takes, usually makes me feel guilty and selfish.  Searching for my nmom has seemed like one big selfish act on my part, trying to take care of one basic need I've had all my life.  

This doesn't really come from my parents, or even from society (though I could probably do without people trying to tell me who my "real" parents are).  It comes from inside me, from inside my adoption experience.  My aparents never used my adoption against me, and supported my search.  But the feelings come from inside.  And I haven't found a way to stop them yet.

Answer 14

Yes, I do feel a divided loyalty as well.  While my adoption did not follow normal procedures - was adopted through marriage and death (story too long) - I love both families.

I have to commend my adoptive father.  He is comfortable enough in his position as my father and knows and understands why I needed to do this.  My adoptive mother - whom I have never liked nor gotten along with - does not.

But I have found my birth family (both my parents are long dead) to be loving, accepting, generous, kind and sincere.  They welcomed me "back" into the fold as if I had never left.

I refer to both the families as "family" and the both accept that.  They have even met and my adoptive father understands why I adore my birth family.

Answer 15

I used to, Heather.

That's when I 'thought' with my heart, not my head.

Searching, IHO, is emotionally heathy.  Living a life of denial and pretending is not good for the soul.

People who are threatened by adoptee's searching are not invested in what is right for that person's mental health.

People who also claim to LOVE adoptees, but do not support their desire to become WHOLE, do not really love them at all--just on their own terms.

Answer 16

no, and you could not be adopted or you would know that your adopted parents are your real parents the other ones are biological parents, my real parents supported me in searching for my biological parents because they are very secure in there role as my parents

adoption language, LOL no such thing LOL LOL LOL LOL, i am one of 6 adopted children, my brother the real dad to his 2 adopted children, i think we would be aware if there was such a thing as adoption language LOL LOL

Answer 17

Would you feel this way if you were talking about searching for a grandparent, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, friend? It just means that you're opening your heart for more (hopefully) more love. Not new, better love. I'm sorry you feel this way, and I can understand, I'm just trying to give you a different way to think about it. Love and loyalty is not a competition. It's your truth. Go for it. You've done nothing wrong.