Do Siblings HAVE TO get along?

Question

My brother and I were best friends as teenagers. We're 2 years apart, and we were always inseparable. That is, until I came out as g*y to him when I was 16 (he was 14). I guess at 14, it must have been difficult for him to deal with his big brother, the one he looked up to all his life, suddenly being "different".

After I told him I was g*y at 16, he hated me, and we went from being best friends to bitter enemies. At 18, I told the rest of the world I was g*y, and went on with my life, still living in my parent's home, with my brother there as well.

My brother moved out when he turned 20, he implied that he could no longer be near me as long as I was "still g*y". I wasn't acting in any way inappropriate near him and I spoke nothing of my lifestyle in his presence. Still, he went off to college and rarely came home because of me.

Fast forward 8 years. My brother is now 28, I'm 30. We haven't spoken or seen each other in 8 months, and before that, it was 2 years. When we do speak, its very formal, nothing pleasant or interesting.

Our mother says that we HAVE TO learn to get along, she says we're the only kids she has and it breaks her heart that we don't get along. I've tried numerous times over the years to restart some sort of relationship with my brother, and he wants nothing to do with me.

Now, our parents are getting older, our dad is in his 60s, and mom is in her mid 50s. It scares me watching them age, and it makes me think of their eventual demise, at which time, it will just be me and my brother left, and we SHOULD have some sort of relationship, but we won't.

So, my question is, HOW do I develop a relationship with my brother who hates me, or should I just not bother and pretend like I'm an only child? And how do I deal with my mother's constant "need" to have her sons be best friends again?

Answer 1

It has nothing to do with you being g*y (even if its a moral issue for him). It has to do with his level of discomfort with his own sexuality. Plus at 14 he was bound to be confused and not know what to think.  I would say he'd come around but he may never come around.

And no, siblings do not HAVE to get along even though it would be nice. Its going to take a major shift in thought on his part for him to come around. There is nothing you can do to make it better.

good luck.

Answer 2

No, but you can pretend to be civil around your mom.

He sounds like a homo-phobe and will probably never change.  Send him a note telling him this is breaking your mother's heart and maybe you could pretent to get along for her sake.  Believe me, when a parent spanks a child and says it hurts them more than you, it really does.  You have to be a parent to realize how much a parent's heart hurts when their children are unhappy.  

Don't ask him if his butt muscles cramp up whenever he sees you, trust me, they probably do.  You can't pick your family or change people that are prejudiced against your lifestyle.  You were brave to open up to him in the first place.  His loss.

Answer 3

thats the exact question i asked my parents. no u dont have to get along but u know that sooner or later you both WILL have a relationship...even if your brother hates you...but you know... you should ask why he is acting so like this... maybe he is afraid that he will turn g*y too(i hav no problem over g**s~*w*) or maybe he is has homophobia

but either way u hav to sumhow TALK to him about it!!

Answer 4

All you can do is arrange to sit down with your brother and really talk to him. Tell him he can ask questions or anything. Tell him that your family should be more important than your sexual preference, and you are still the same brother he looked up to long ago.

It sounds like he may be homophobic, so he might need to take an extra step and talk to a counselor about it. But your brother has to WANT to talk to you and make things better. If he doesn't, then there is really nothing you can do.