Do You Think Both Parents Should Take Care Of Their Baby Even If One Parent Has A Job Outside The Home?

Question

here is the situation: my husband and i had a baby girl (Grace) 7 weeks ago and i am now a stay at home mom so i can take care of our baby. the situation is he hardly ever helps me. he gets home from work at 4:20pm. it would be nice if he would at least watch our baby so i can at least take a nap because im gonna have to be up all night with her and all day the next day. he does not realize how exhausting this is for me and how stressful emotionally it is on me too. last night he said he goes to bed early because he's tired cause he works during the day. well he said it like im not working either, i take care of a baby 24 hours a day. i think that wasnt a very nice thing to say. i am so mad at him right now i just feel like running away. ive also been thinking about getting a part time job after he gets home from work that way he will be forced to take care of Grace while im at work. plus being at work would actually give me a break.

Answer 1

YES your husband should take care of your daughter to, and not just to help you out but so that your daughter gets to know her dad. I have 4 children, my oldest ones are with my ex-husband, and I was a stay at home mom with them, and there dad didn't have much to do with there care or play, and they hate going to his house now because they don't really know him. They are 11,10,& 8, and he has only been out of the house for 2 years, so they have been around him there whole life, he has just never taking any intrest in them, maybe if you go about asking your husband for help in that manner he might be more willing, and even thow it stinks he won't do it because you need him to he still will be helping. And yes you will have to ask for help most men don't volunteer any kid duty.

Answer 2

Being a parent is much harder than going to work all day.I think most men ,not all,don't realize how much work it is to be home all day with a baby.It is important you explain to your husband that you need some time away for yourself even if it's going to the store.You will be a much happier person if you get some time away.Don't give him a choice when he gets home say"Honey the baby is sleeping or hand her over and say I'm going to the store be back soon." and leave.He'll figure it out.

Answer 3

This might sound shallow, but seeing as you had the baby, and he provided the sperm-- YES, he should also be taking care of the baby. It's ridiculous to have all the work on your shoulders.

Answer 4

Wow. You married a real winner there. If he was any kind of man at all, he would try and pull more than his fair share of the load. Coming home at 4:30 PM is plenty early enough to give you a four or five hour break.

Answer 5

Yes, I do. Both parents created the child, and both are charged with raising her. Being a stay at home mom means it's your responsibilit to take care of her enough so that he can work. For instance, getting up with her in the night. It does not mean you are a slave, or a single parent. He should want to bond with his child anyway. Yes, you are perfectly entitled to an hour off a day, to shower or nap or call a friend or take a walk. No caregiver can be a good caregiver if they never get time off -- you'll quickly go crazy! Tell him exactly what you need and stick to it. One night a week out with friends. Or one weekend afternoon off a week to pursue a hobby. Two weekends away a year to just escape with friends or family. You are still a whole person with other interests besides your baby, and that's only healthy. Read "Babyproofing your marriage." It's a great book that suggests leaving your husband with the baby for a whole weekend, with no backup, if he doesn't appreciate you enough!

Answer 6

Well everybody here already put in great answers so I'll just comment for my 2 points. Yes, they should. And being a full time parent with an infant and/or toddler is waaaay more work than working 40 hours a week. I've been on both sides of the fence. You are right when you say "you'd get a break by going to work." Actually, it might not be a bad idea for you to work a couple nights a week and have him watch the baby. (Don't do it if you have to pay a babysitter - that's like throwing money out the window - unless you guys are really financially comfortable and can do that..)

I think it's wonderful you have the opportunity to be at home and I would cherish every minute you have with the baby.  But there is no doubt a 24 hour job is exhausting.  Make sure you sleep when the baby sleeps to keep your energy up. And I agree with the other poster's doctor who said "you have to take care of yourself to take care of the baby" or something like that..the better you are - the better the baby is...

I've seen that most men are dense in this area. They don't understand. Or they think women complain too much. The only way they'll understand is if they're in the position themselves for a while. A couple hours here and there might not make much of an impression...but once they start losing sleep and get interrupted every ten mintues and and have their arms fall off from holding the baby so much....and do the feeding and preparing bottles and changing and bathing and cleaning...they'll get a better idea...

I feel bad for you because I know you're really frustrated.  He won't understand unless he has your job. I'm thinking a part time job isn't a bad idea for you to keep your sanity and give him a little lesson in childcare.   See what it's like without any outside contact from the world for a while...

And of course, remind him that the more rested and emotionally satisfied you are...the better for him...in other areas...wink..wink...

Good luck to you. Relish the time you have with the baby though.  Be thankful you have the opportunity many women don't.  The baby won't be a baby forever and you won't be a prisoner to your home forever.  That's another thing....you and the baby should get out as much as you can..I don't know if you have a car during the day or not..but if you can, take the baby and walk around the mall, park, outside, out to eat, or wherever you can hang out.  Getting away from the everyday surroundings help. (Maybe a second vehicle would help? just a thought...).

I wish you the best...and I think the majority of men are dense like this....we need more mother's brining up their boys learning how to take care of kids maybe...just a thought...

Good luck to you!

Answer 7

Remind him that taking care of the baby is a 24 hour job, and his job requires him to work... 8? Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. You're partners, not two seperate people anymore.

Answer 8

Let's be truthful, most men just don't help out with newborns.  You really really need to sleep when they do during the day, once you start doing that it won't seem so overwhelming and you will be much more rested.  It gets better hang in there, by month 3 or 4 they start sleeping better and you get better at the adjustment of being a Mom.  Give your husband a small task at night, like bath time.  Remember he may be scared to handle such a small baby, talk to him about it, but don't nag (trust me, it only makes it worse.)

Answer 9

A lot of men are like this - I know my husband was.  I just think that men aren't wired the same way or something!  I ended up getting a part time job in the evenings too, so he had no choice but to help out some.  I read a quote somewhere which said "All mothers are single mothers" and I think that's very true.

Answer 10

Maybe you should try napping during the day while she is asleep.  Personally I think childcare is your job if you are a stay at home mom and bringing home the bacon is his job.  If you don't like it, work outside the home.

Answer 11

being a parent is the hardest job in the world. u do work. u clean the house u cook and u take care of ur baby. u do work.

just because u don't bring money in doesn't menau don't deserve credit.

u need to make him realize that u work just as hard.

maybe have him stay at home with the baby for a day while u go out. have him see what it's like. make him do laundry and cook. see how he likes. i know its very stressful for u.

my BF worked 12 hours days, sometimes till 2-3am when our daughter was first born.

u really need to sit down and have a talk with him,\.

tell him how ur feeling what he needs to do to help u emotionally and as a parent.

I have read that studies have found that working parents need at least 45 minutes to re-coop when they get home.

so when he walks in the door, give him a chance to un-wind from his day.

good luck. i hope every thing works out for u.

stay strong and remember: u have the best job in the world!

Answer 12

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.

Unfortunately, I know several women in the same position as you. I was also that woman.

It's hard to know what to do and there isn't really going to be any great advice in this kind of situation. Newborns are a ton of work - but I don't have to tell you that. It does get a little easier in time, but with time comes a whole new set of problems. Once they are more mobile - you aren't able to do as much around the house and clean etc etc. But you are able to play with them more. There are pros and cons with every age.  But back to your real issue, obviously I would say to talk to him about it and explain how you feel. If he doesn't understand your frustration, then maybe he should try to take care of the baby for just one day - all by himself. Sometimes people need to walk a mile in your shoes before they get it. Some people never get it - like my ex. But I have to tell you - being a single mother is more work than you think too. However, in my case, living with my ex wasn't much better than being single. In fact, it was worse. I figured "If I am doing this much work now all by myself when there are two parents in the house (and I wasn't a stay at home mother) - then I might as well do it on my own"... and so I did.

However, your situation is a little different in that you are staying at home and working there. I think he probably just forgets - that even though you are basically on the job all the time - you still need a break. Explain to him how much better you would feel if he would give you an hour every night to take a nap or run to the store or something. I think it would go over better. Good luck.

Answer 13

I would get quotes from the local day cares and let him see how much it would cost if someone else took care of the baby.  It's going to run about $500 to $600 a month.  Then I would tell him the 2 options, you can get ready to pay this per month and make arrangements to either pick up OUR child or drop her off, or you can start carrying your weight around the house.  Remember - it wasn't an immaculate conception - it took the two of you.

Answer 14

My husband vvas the exact same vvay vvhen vve had our daughter!! He vvouldnt help me at all, not even change one diaper. I finally got tired of it so I told him to vvatch her 1 day to just see hovv "easy" my job vvas, I think by hour 3 he vvas calling me back home because he had already had enough! lol Then it kind of vvoke him up like hey, this is alot harder then I give her credit for. I vvould still do most of the vvork but he vvould actually help me alittle more and novv vve are pregnant vvith our 3rd due in november and he already told me that he vvould help alot more this time because he realizes novv hovv hard it really is. Just test your husband, the only vvay he's going to see it your vvay is if he's in your shoes so tell him to vvatch her for a couple hours or so and he vvill realize just hovv hard your job really is! Good luck! Men just have no idea!

Answer 15

Yes, they should. You should go out of town for the weekend if you can, and leave your husband to take care of the baby for at least 24 hours. Or suggest that he stays home from now on, and you go back to work.  No matter what, it is not fair to either of you if he resents you, or even makes you feel bad.

Answer 16

I am at home half time and I work part time.  I swear my days at home are harder.  I love my kids but it is a different kind of exhaustion than when I am working  I am lucky that my husband and I are on the same page. We both agree that we will each work as hard a possible to advance our family. If that means I mow the lawn while the kids are sleeping so that he can rest on the weekend, or do the garbage so he can enjoy a few more minute of down time at night, I do it.

On the flip side, if the kids have driven me nuts all day or if I have to work late, he will offer to give them baths, or do the dishes, or grab dinner, or tell me to go out with my friends, so I don't have to cook.  It is a partnership.

We almost fell onto the same bad pattern of griping about how hard we each work and making it sort of a competition after the kids were first born. Each person thinks they are wokring harder.  So we sat down and agreed that rather than take our frustration out on each other and play the blame game, we would try to do something special for each other every day.   Now we complete to see who can be a better spouse.  

When the baby is first born it throws your whole marriage out of whack and you really have to work to re-form your family with this new dynamic.   Grab a sitter or wait until she is sleeping and sit down with your husband and talk.  Men often feel as though the baby has replaced them in your priority list. (and lets get real a newborn requires a ton of attention) but you have to put your marriage high on the priority list too.  What was an easy relationship before becomes work to maintain.  If you ask him how you can help him, rather than telling him you he can help you, it might start a more productive conversation.

And I know it seems impossilbe to believe right now, but you will get your life back to a more managable place as the baby gets older. She will start sleeping more, then eating and playing independently. You will have more time to yourself. Enjoy the cuddles now.

Good Luck.

Answer 17

when he comes home from work. leave the baby to him and go to the store. get out of the house for awhile. let him know that taking care of a baby all day is just as tiring as working all day. remind him kindly that you need naps just as he does and you'd appreciate some help from him when he gets home.

Answer 18

I completely understand your frustration. You need to have a talk with him. It took both of you to make a baby and it definitely takes both of you to raise a baby. Is he not going to to anything with her when she gets older? He needs to step up. Maybe he could watch for a bit while you go to the store or to get a haircut or something. Then he might realize it's not easy staying with her. (just make sure it's not nap time when you leave!)

Answer 19

Ok I understand your upset that your husband isn't helping you and doesn't make helping you a priority in his life but why in the world would you go get a part time job just to get away from your baby unless you need the money? You need to let your husband know that you need an occasional break from the constant work that you do do! You ARE working all day and all night I agree~ but wanting to force him to take care of his child seems really weird to me!  Try to understand that some men were not raised to be motherly~thats unfortunate but true! I feel like if you talk to him calmly and let him know how it makes you feel it may help your situation(I hope)!

Answer 20

Hey girl, yes both parents should most certainly take care of Grace.  Although he might not see the hardwork that you are doing, he probly just doesn't understand it.  Tell him his going to have to stay with her for a day or two, to see how the long day feels for you.  For the part time job GO FOR IT! If you believe it will help you relax your mind, and get some rest all power to you girl! Men sometimes have a hard time understanding that although our job doesn't consist of making the income it requires lot's of physical and emotional stress just as there jobs do.  So go out and look for a part time job, maybe in time he'll realize that you do need a break and you won't need to have a part time job.  But GOODLUCK girl!

Answer 21

I think he should help at least a little. Taking care of the baby does not end  at the end of working hours so you dont get a break. He should at least take the baby for a bit while you nap or have a nice bath just to give you a break.

Answer 22

You definately need to talk with him.  You need time for yourself too or you will go crazy.  I have the oposite situation.  I went back to work and my husband got a job working weekend nights.  He watches the baby when I am at work and I watch the baby all weeked.  At first when I went back to work, I came home and he handed me the baby and he was just my responsibility until I went back to work.  This was pretty hard too.  He would sleep most of the time that I was home.  Sometimes I need to be able to take a shower or do anything.  Finally we had to work out a schedule.  There is at least one hour at night where he watches our son so I can get ready for the next day and clean etc.  It works a lot better now.  The part time job might be a nice break for you from the baby, but it still isn't a break. Talk with him and try to stay calm, but explain to him that sometimes you need a nap or a shower too.  Good luck!

Answer 23

Regardless of the fact that one of you has a job outside the house, when you are both at home it is a 50 50 job. Just because one is out doesn't mean that the one at home is not working. Usually they are working harder than the  'breadwinner'.