Do You Think It's Wrong???

Question

My brother is almost 5 now and was taken away from my mom and put up for adoption, and adopted when he was 9 months - 1. So you think it is wrong for them to not let his real siblings see him and to let him see his real dad, but not his real mom. Also they let him see his Grandparents and uncles and the rest of his family, but not my mom, me or my 2 sisters. I really like him, and they are making it so that he doesn't even know us and that my mom isn't his mom. :(

Answer 1

It depends on the situation... social services usually decides who are the good influences and let the child see them.  You may not be allowed to see him because you are in close contact with his biological mother.... someone obviously deemed a bad influence in his life.  

Plus, his mom isn't your mom.  His mom is the woman who adopted him.  He was adopted, and a mother is someone who raises and cares for a child with love every single day.... your mother isn't doing that... HIS mother is.

It may also be his choice.  The person I know who was adopted at 7, asked social services not to see his biological family  when he was five, and they reviewed his file and decided to stop all contact.  After that he started developing better and was less socially withdrawn.

Answer 2

How do "they" have control over the visitation?  These things are usually written and recorded by the judge and enforced in a court of law.  Do you know if this is the case?  Is this a relative adoption?  Agency?  Perhaps the adoptive parents have their reasons -- what were they told??  Is it possible you don't know as much as they do?  Or that they were given incorrect info?  Get the correct info first, then look into it.  Ask the uncles and grandparents who do have contact what the real story is.  Maybe they are not telling it 100%.  Probably much more to it than you know!  These things get complicated over time.  Ask who you think has the real info.  A more distant Aunt, or cousin? Someone less involved.  Good luck. Remember, your version is simply what you have been told by someone.  

By the way, the parents who have raised him, loved him, wiped his tears and bottom -- they are his real parents, too!

Answer 3

I am an adoptee and a parent of an adopted child  who is also almost 5.  

At this age it would really hard for a child to understand the circumstances surrounding a biological family, removal or surrender, biological siblings and any issues that may still be present.

I know people who even as young adults could not  get a hold of the emotions their reunions brought.  If your brother had had visitation all along, it would be different.  

Not to be mean, but to a 5 year old, his "real" mom is the one he sees everyday.  We discuss our son's adoption with him, but at 4.5,  there is so much  that isn't in his comprehension.

Good Luck with the future.

Answer 4

Why was he taken away from his birthmother?  

This may be hard to accept but he has not been with his birth mother since he was 9months old. So she is not his “mother”, his mother is the one that his been raising him.

As far as why they wouldn’t allow your mother, you and sisters to have contact with him  but are allowing other members of his birthfamily to have contact.  

My guess is that it’s more about your mother, then you or, your sisters. Obviously you had nothing to do with him being removed from the home. You might try and talk to a birthfamily member that has contact with them. Have them ask if it would be ok for the boy’s birthsisters to have some sort of contact with him.  If they say no you’ll just have respect that, these are his [Real] parents now and they have the right to say who can and can not see their son.  

Most likely when he gets older they will tell him about  his birth sisters and why he was removed from his birthmothers care. Tell him why they allowed contact with some members of his birth family and will leave it up to him if he ever wants to get in touch with you all.

Answer 5

The courts had a reason to take him from his birth mother's custody.  I know that's difficult for you to deal with.  You need to talk with your mother and let that event heal between the two of you.  That child who is 5 does not need to be devastated right now.  The court's reason had to be good because it is hard to take a child from a mother.  They had the best interest of the child in mind.  Apparently, the birth father must have decided to work with the adoptive parents in doing what was best for the baby.  He may not have had his parental rights terminated, but for whatever reason....gave his son to an adoptive family.  In doing so, he had a positive relationship with them.  You can wait and love him.....and pray for your baby brother...and remember him in your heart until he is older.  When he is 18, he can make his own decision.  You can register with adoptive agencies that make a list of where you are for those who seek out answers about their own adoptions.  It is not up to you to decide that you WILL see him.  This is his life...and he will decide if he wants to find YOU.  None of this is your fault.  You did not do whatever caused this...and you cannot fix this right now.  You can make yourself available to him and hope that in time he will find you.  Let him have this life now.  Let him have space and time to grow.  So.....to answer your question...No, it's not wrong.  There was a reason and unfortunately, you have to be the strong one and wait.

Answer 6

Have you talked to dad or your grandparents about this tell them how sad it makes you feel. Ask them to speak to the adoptive parents on your behalf. You and your sisters are important too and your feelings should also be considered. If the answer is no you can only be patient and tell yourself one day you will see him again when you are older.

Cheer up

Answer 7

unfortunately he was taken from your mom for a reason and they have reason to keep him from her. i think they should let him see you and your sisters but im sure they are just doing that to protect him. they probably figure that you will just say stuff to confuse him. im sure they are doing this out of love for him even though it may not be right. im sure that one day when he is older he will ask to meet you and your sisters maybe even your mom. he seems to have a good relationship with the rest of his biological family so I'm sure he will want to get to know the rest of you when he is ready.

Answer 8

Thats sad as h**l. How did you fail as a sibling?

The courts are completely screwed up in these adoptive cases.

My daughter was taken at 5 years old and has no contact w/ me or my two sons (her half-brothers) whom she'd been raised with.

Other than begging the adoptive parents for a chance to visit, I think your options are limited. This didn't work for me, but perhaps you'll have betterluck.

Best wishes.

Answer 9

NO I DONT THINK ITS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am an adopted kid and i and very grateful that i dont know my biological family. it messes up kids more then any thing. if he wants to know you then he will find you when he is old enuf. at 5 he has his own issues and needs his parents and by that i dont mean your mom. i mean HIS mom and dad

Answer 10

your brother is adopted by a different family but they let him see his real dad and he has a stepmom... a child of five is in the stage of development psychologically and emotionally... he is on the stage of questioning and understanding the world around him... he is on the stage of securing love and belongingness, safety and security... if they let you and your mom see your brother, they would have to acknowledge you too and eventually they would tell your brother the truth about his adoption...it would be traumatizing for your brother at his early age of development if he will be subjected to this... he will be confused and depressed by the sudden change in his atmosphere... it would be advisable to just let the child be for now but it doesnt necessarily mean that it should stay that way... they should slowly orient the child regarding his condition and his heritage... this way the child will slowly understand the situation and maybe he will be the one to want to see his real mom and siblings... all it takes is patience and understanding...

Answer 11

your mom gave up "being his mom" when she gave him away

Answer 12

I am sorry for your problem but I think it is his adoptive parents decision though they are the one's raising him and putting a roof over his head the only think you could do is try to talk to them and tell them how you feel and maybe they will change their minds if they find out you are sincere. Good Luck!

Answer 13

Actually its not wrong at all!

If your Mom was that "bad" that they took one child, then she is lucky that they "left" you and your other siblings to her.

As for being able to "see him", your lucky that you even are able to know where he is, let alone see him!  Most adoptive parents will not have any connection with the "real family" because they fear conflict, and dont want to risk any type of problems that can be associated with the natural Mother wanting the kid back.

Your 'mom' isnt his mom anymore...

Fact "that fact"!  His adoptive mom is his mom now... Your Mom gave up all "rights" when she gave him away or had him taken away.  By all means and rights, she has no legal or moral claim to your brother anymore.

When he is old enough, if he seeks you out, then be glad. If not, dont be dissapointed as he has his own life now.

I wish you well...

Jesse

Answer 14

Obviously, he knows he's adopted.  But remember, the little guy's only 4.  Seeing his birth mom would really twist emotions around, and that's alot of emotion to sort out for such a young age.  I know, because i was adopted when i was 4 :) .

I can totally see how that seems really unfair, and I'm sorry.  That's got to be so tough...

Good luck my friend!

Answer 15

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you don't have a relationship with this little boy. It's very complicated, but he's part of another family. His parents have the right to decide who or what they expose him to. He's their child and they are his parents. Regardless of whether or not you agree with their decision, it's their choice to make. I know it's painful to you and your sisters, and especially your mom. My heart aches for you all, but his parents are doing what they believe is best for their son, and I have to respect that.

Answer 16

The problem with your question is it is missing one important detail. Why was he taken away. As far as syblings go, if there is a chance of him seeing his real mom through them then no they won't. Not until he is older.

Answer 17

I'm sorry for you, I really am, but you are forgetting two important things. Firstly, there was a reason he was taken of your mom, and secondly, she is no longer his 'real' mom. The woman who adopted him is now his 'real' mom.  Maybe you can contact him when he gets older, but your mother has no rights to him.

Answer 18

That is very sad and maybe you could do something like a petition or something?

Answer 19

There really isn't enough information for me to say if it's right or wrong.  Why was he taken away from your mom?  Perhaps, there is a reason that they don't want her to see her.  However, I do think his adoptive mother should acknowledge the fact he has siblings and let him know you.  I'm sorry for your situation.

Answer 20

That is a tough question. I am curious, do you live in poverty?