Do adoptees perpetuate negative stereotypes about themselves?

Question

I see adoptees saying we are more likely to murder, be deviant, depressed, unhappy etc... and anytime a person brings up anything positve about adoption or adoptees they are met with cynicism, and snarky remarks.As an adoptee I'm bothered by the fact that sometimes the tone and remarks on this site perpetuate the same negative stereotypes we are fighting against.

Answer 1

Hey, i agree.

there does need to be awareness on how adopted children feel and the effects of adoption. But some people on here label all us adoptees as murderers waiting in the wings, ready to pounce upon anyone. Personally i found that insulting, especially since i would never murder someone. Just because someone killed someone and they happen to be adopted, does not mean that all of us adoptees will grow up to murder someone. Thanks for the question

eta---i understand the facts and don't take it lightly. but, sunny we you say all of us adoptees will grow up to kill people that is insulting. not every adoptee who grows up is going to kill someone, that is where i disagree with you on. to say that because i'm adopted i will grow up to be a murder is disgusting. i have other plans in my life and murder really isn't on my lisit. why do you insist that all us adoptees should grow up to kill people?

Answer 2

These are facts, not fantasies.  I'm more comfortable in reality--then we can work on what needs to be fixed.

I have an adopted brother who is a homeless drug addict.  Would this have happened to him, had he been raised by his family?  I don't know.  But the prisons are also filled with male adoptees.  This is not a joke to me, as it seems to be to other adoptees that seem to enjoy making light of a very serious issue.  It doesn't matter if you don't feel like 'killing' someone--there are plenty of very angry adoptees who are in pain in closed adoptions, who have been close to the edge, and gone over.

Adoption as it stands is not working.  I can't bear the thought of another adoptee (usually male) spending the rest of their life in prison because they murdered someone.  And I really wonder about some adoptees’ lack of compassion…

So am I perpetuating 'negative stereotypes' about adoption?  No, I'm bringing FACTS to light, that many (including adoptees) are more comfortable sweeping under the carpet.

The truth shall set you free.

Answer 3

Cruz,

I agree.  it seems that we must be damaged to be normal and if we're not damaged then we're not normal . . .how does that work?

I did try to bring some postiives up about adoptees in another post but unfortunately, a few felt it necessary to mention the adoptees that took a rather sinister path in life instead of reveling in the idea that we, as adoptees, are perfectly capable of choosing our own paths in life.  That includes the ability to choose to become productive or non-productive.

I mentioned the book "Hope's Boy" about a young man who grew up in foster care and went on to become a harvard law school graduate -- he now works FOR the kids in the system and is intent on changing it.  BTW, Gershom will be interviewing him on her show next month so it's definitely a segment i want to catch.  but back to my first sentence of this paragraph, it was greeted by a few more posts about the horrors of foster care (one post about someone who murdered people but i couldn't find it in google and two others about kids who died while in 'foster care'; however, reading the articles, one died under his mother's care in a homeless shelter and another died in his grandparents' care).

whatever good impressions we try to show will be greeted with negative ones.

ETA::: Gershom -- sorry!  nonetheless, i am looking forward to hearing that segment!

Answer 4

oh ya they do.  my friends always say but adopted people always complain so much.  come on this site and what do you see? complaining adoptees who say stop calling me a whiner!!!!!!!!!!  if you are adopted speak for yourself. you do not speak for me and I am adopted.  i would rather people say oh, your adopted  your pretty cool than oh you are adopted what a f-ing mess!

Answer 5

I agree that adoption needs reform and it is not the end all solution for infertile people.  I agree that adoptees should be able to vent their frustrations and not feel like they need to be grateful all the time.  And I most definately agree that more openeness is needed, should be enforced, and paperwork should be accurrate and accessable.

Where I take issue is this....everybody gets handed a batch of lemons from time to time.  You need to decide what to do with those lemons.  Some of those lemons are permanent; for instance if your in-laws were the in-laws from h---.  That is permanent (at least I see it that way because your in-law, unless threatening bodily harm or something extreme are not a reasonable excuse for divorce), adoption is permanent, death of a loved one is permanent.  Parents die and some parents are not around for their children emotionally or are abusive..  Those are permanent situations too.

What I don't buy is the need for adoptees to treat people they don't even know as horribly as some do in this forum and play the victim card constantly.  We are ALL victims of life in one way or another.  

Why not reach out politely, positively, and try to make a difference that won't leave people thinking after they have read your response, "Man that person should seek counseling".  

So I guess my answer to the main question is yes because I use the info I learn on this site to try to figure out how I can help my daughter keep a positive outlook on things even though she was handed a batch of lemons she had no control over.  I want to teach her how to make her own lemonade because I would never want her to be that hateful.

Answer 6

I didn't even know that we were fighting against negative stereotypes.  I've never been stereotyped negatively by anyone who knew I was adopted.  

The other night at work I was reading "The Primal Wound" and someone asked me what it was.  I explained it's about what it feels like being adopted and explained that I'm adopted.  That person only responded with sympathy....they didn't run away screaming that I'm an ax-murderer!

Actually, it was nice that this person seemed to understand, since most of the time people don't seem to have any clue how being adopted can mess with you head.  All that I personally want is to be understood, and not be dismissed by people who want to deny me my experience and my truth.  I've spent all my life up until now pretending like being adopted hadn't done anything to me at all.  It's such a relief to stop fighting it and finally admit that I have been affected by being adopted.  

I've never used adoption as an excuse not to be a responsible member of society.  I've earned a Master's degree, have a good career that I work hard in, and I'm married with children.  All the trappings of a 'responsible adult'.  But that doesn't mean that inside I'm not hurting and don't have issues to resolve....which I AM working on.  Denial got me nowhere.  I'm working on the healing so that  I will be more effective in all other parts of my life.  

I believe that I have an obligation to myself, my family and to society in general to take responsibility for my feelings about adoption and that's what I'm doing.  The first step to that is no more DENIAL.

Answer 7

Nope, I don't think so.  We are constantly fighting against the negative stigma and stereotypes that SOCIETY, the MEDIA and the STATE'S SEALED RECORDS LAWS place upon us, or have you not noticed that.  

No, I disagree.  It's not the adoptees do that.  Perhaps you misread IRONY or SARCASM as serious comments.

Answer 8

It is better to have all things brought to the table than to be blind sided by your own lack of knowledge. If you choose not to see the down side of adotion and foster care then don't accept their answer. But please do not say that you won't ever kill some one. Just because you haven't yet or don't intend to in the future, don't be fooled by what is inside you. I was once asked if I thought I could ever kill someone and I said no. Then that same person said, what if they were killing your child. Guess who changed her mind really fast. After what I have been through (which is nothing compared to some) I would not bat an eye to protect one of my children, and I can honestly say I would go to any length to do it. I try not to ever say never.

Answer 9

I'm wast an Adoptee.

I was a toaster oven...

Purchased  and returned 3 times then tossed in the garbage cause I was defective.....

No they are not doing a disservice to themselves...

They are fighting and saying what needs to be said.

Answer 10

Oh course they do. That's why they are never told they are adopted.

Answer 11

No, I don't think they perpetuate negative stereotypes. They are just saying it like it is.  Lots of people want to IGNORE the fact that a large segment of the adoptee population has issues likely resulting from their adoption.  They aren't saying that all do or even that the majority do.  But, stop pretending that everything is hunky dorey for these folks.

Both my son and his sister (completely different first parents) suffer from depression and have destructive tendencies (no drug abuse, thankfully) and it is not because they don't have supportive a-parents.  I think it is too much of a coincidence that both would have depression, especially since I know other adoptees who also suffered depression.  I mean, could they all have inherited the condition? I don't think so.  

I would also add that women with mental illness are more likely to be pressured into giving up their babies at birth, which may be an issue as well, since a-parents are often not told of this.

Answer 12

I see what you're saying and to a degree you're right, but at the same time, society needs to in general stop undermining the conflicting sterotypes of adoptees that they have.

Its hard, because sometimes, I'm sick and tired of the fluffy duffy adoption is "beauful" "roses and candy" outlook society seems to have in general about it. The dismissal of the extra emotional issues surrounding separation on an infant is really common.

So its like, i want to counter that to bring people to awareness into no, there are extra concerns and added issues involved with adoption that need to be addressed.

but i understand, we talk about it alot here, for good reason. We're not considering ourselves different for being illegitimate, but we're acknowledging the differences in lifestyles and emotioinal well being of the adopted and the non adopted.

We're not calling ourselves killers, because I don't even kill ants, i'm a vegetarian too, i don't even eat meat, killer? maybe to a couple plants in my vegetable garden.

But there is an importance to what sunny was saying. Statistically speaking adoptees, kill at a higher rate than the non adopted. Thats not saying we're all killers, or that if someone is adopted, they're going to be a killer. Its saying... this is a red flag that should be addressed. If adoptees are killing more than non adopted, WHY? Not just adoptees, but other children with separation and attachment related issues from early separation as well.

Its time for us, as a society to acknowledge the differences, honor them and address them. Turning a cheek because we're tired of hearing about it doesn't do me justice. I need to find out why for my own peace. There is research from the 30's pointing to separation trauma. This isn't new science research or discovery.

I can understand how acknowledging nothing but the bad in separation can wear some people out. I think its important to be heard at the same time, however so it doesn't continue to be overlooked by American Adoption Society and allowed to be swept under the carpet as it has been for the last 50 years by a large portion of society.

Answer 13

Which negative stereotypes are you fighting against?

Adoptees are more likely to murder, be deviant, depressed, unhappy and have attachment and idenity issues.  I think adoptees point these things out so that people will stop ignoring them and start recognizing that adoptees need to have post adoption therapy.  Aparents need to be aware that these things may happen so they can get their kids the help they need.  History does not need to repeat itself!

I suffered from depression, idenity issues, and felt empty and alone growing up despite the fact that I have a wonderful, loving adoptive family.  I did not blame the way I felt on adoption, I thought that there was just something wrong with me.  Maybe I inherited it, maybe my first mother suffered from depression and mental illness and that is why she gave me up.  It wasn't until I was an adult and did some research that I realized that those are common problems that a lot of adoptees go through, regardless of genetics.  It happens too often to be coincidence.

It's great that there are positive stories. We just need to acknowledge that there are a lot of negative stories too.  We can't ignore one or the other.  We need to talk about all sides and stop denying each others opinions.

Answer 14

can you find yourself a support group?