Do adoptees really want to meet their birth parents?

Question

I know the answer is obviously different for everyone, but typically do they want to reunite even if they had awesome adoptive parents? I had to give up a son almost 13 years ago and I have this feeling like he will be apart of our family later on and I cant wait. It truly was something that was aweful for me. Do you think b/c he is a boy that he will want to reunite? and what age would be good to contact his mom (we got along great when i met her) about reuniting with him?

I dont want to rush him, but I really want to be apart of his life, but i dont want to push him away or step on his adoptive moms toes, ya know? what do you think?

(I could find him pretty easily)

thanks for the answers!

Answer 1

Whether or not an adopted person was adopted by a good family isn't the issue when it comes to wanting to meet his or her first family.  Lots of adopted people want to know their full histories and their entire families -- first and adopted.  Adoptees don't typically 'give up' or 'replace' either set of parents simply because both are in the picture.  I am reunited with my first family.  My decision to do so had nothing to do with my adoptive family and still doesn't.  

As far as reuniting with him, because he is still a minor, his parents have a right to monitor and control his relationships, and there's no way to know how they will react without going straight to the source.  When he turns 18, they do not have that right any longer and you can freely contact each other just like any other adults in our society.

Answer 2

what phil said.  i absolutely adore my afamily, but i needed to search, and i was successful.

i have an adoptee brother, and he hasn't wanted to search.  i think in general, boys are less inclined, but you never know for sure, as it's different for every adoptee.

i would get some help from the natural moms over at ousa for some tips on reunion.  it's a heck of a lot harder than people think.  it's NOT all roses and hapiness.  it's a huge emotional roller coaster.

http://originsusa.memberlodge.org/

ETA!!!

don't listen to that joe person.  it is NOT illegal to find your son.  that's rediculous.

last i checked, and i am assuming you are in the USA, we are a free people.  there is NO law stating anything regarding contact.

it is a moral issue, not a legal one.  he's full of it.

Answer 3

I had good adoptive parents.  I still wanted to meet my first mom.  It took me a while to work up the nerve to do it.  (Worry about being rejected.  Worry about upsetting my adoptive parents.  Etc.)

How your son will feel no one can know.  He may not care right now, but will later on.  Or he might already be thinking about it.  

As for how his adoptive mom will react, that too, is impossible to determine without knowing her.  Some adoptive parents seem open to it.  Others, not.  

I wish I had more definite answers for you, but I wish you luck.

Answer 4

I would send in a "consent to release your identifying information" to the agency your son was surrendered through. Also sign up for any state registries. Depending on what state this is you may be entitled to non identifying information on him that you can read about here: http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?...

Click on your state and the laws for contact are up. Leave an easy trail for him to follow because you know, some of us don't want to go through our adoptive parents for reunion. Even though my aparents and I are close, searching was a personal decision I told nobody about.

You mentioned you could find him, if you feel like it wouldn't be overstepping boundries, send his adoptive parents a letter. At this time ( 13 y/o) I believe your contact would have to be through them first. Depending on their nature, they may embrace you, welcome you, reject you, give the letter to their/your son and leave it up to him, we really have no idea what could happen. I see many different situations happening all over the place.

If the reunion doesn't happen now, leaving a trail for him to find you is always a good thing to have done. As well as making contact directly to him when he is 18.

good luck!

( its NOT illegal to search, adoption ISN'T the witness protection program )

Answer 5

I had a great adoptive family. I still love them dearly - and we are very close. (my a-parents have passed away - sadly - but I'm still very close with my bro and sis - who are the bio kids of my a-parents)

But - I have ALWAYS wanted to know my bio family. ALWAYS.

I was always told that I was adopted - but I wasn't allowed to ask anything about my adoption - which hurt - a lot.

My a-mum made it about her feelings - and not about mine.

I spent countless hours daydreaming about my mother - and those feelings intensified when I had my own 3 daughters.

It took me a VERY long time to reach out for contact - I was hoping she'd always come looking for me - she didn't - sadly.

Adoptees fear rejection the most - and often wait years and years before reaching out - in case they're rejected by the ones they seek.

Do reach out.

Explain that you don't want to be intrusive.

At least let them know that you're happy to have some contact.

It's a very touchy area - no lies there.

(taking things slow is the best bet)

Tread lightly - be truthful and honest.

It all may take time.

But definately give it a go.

I wish you all the very best.

Some good online support forums for mums -

http://adoptionthreads.com/forum/index.p...

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.net/board/...

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

(the last is an adoptee forum - but many mums frequent the boards - and it's a great place to read for info)

Answer 6

I would never want to meet my real parents..they didn't care about me...they gave me up....couldn't even try to raise me. I hate them and i think my sperm donor father is dead. Drugs were way more important. ...My mom who adopted me saved my life. I have a baby my self...and i could care less if i was on the streets i WOULD NEVER GIVE HER UP!!!!EVER! I would become a stripper as long as I have my baby I don't care......I think people who give up there children are weak .....and regret it later ..which is sad

Answer 7

It really does depend on the individual and thier adoption situation. I wanted to find mine out of curiosity. I wanted to know about where I came from, what she looked like. There was a ton of questions I had for her. It worked well for me.

I think the best thing to do is to wait until he is old enough (not sure how old he is) to make and act on his own feelings and make descions. I think adult would be best to be honest. You have got to think about how he may feel, how his parents may feel. Its a bit like an adoptee finding a birth parent. We have to be respectfull of their life situation. I think its loverly that you are interested in making contact with him, but I do suggest waiting until he is atleast 18 and old enough to make his own descicions.

Good luck

Answer 8

I don't care to meet my birth parents but that is just me.  I don't harbor any anger I am just content with my parents as they are.  However like you said these things vary from child to child.  There are many that do want to have contact.  I would suggest waiting until the child is older before tryng to contact the parents.  I am glad you are wanting to contact the adoptive parents first.  I would suggest maybe a letter to the parents to allow time to sink in and not seem pushy.  Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 9

I really wanted to meet my birth mother, because i had lots of questions for her. I think it depends on the person and the reason why they want to search.

Answer 10

I would write her a letter and let her know that she is allowed to provide him with your contact info when she sees fit and when he starts asking about it. That way it's on their terms together, not just yours.

Answer 11

I think most would be very open to being found even if they themselves are afraid  to search.   Follow your heart... and good luck.

Answer 12

My birth daughter said she was never going to look, she figured , we had our reasons, but when I finally got up the nerve to look she was almost 30 and since I looked for her, she didn't see any reason why we couldn't have a relationship. You should wait until he is an adult to contact him, but if you know the aparents, you might contact them before hand.

Answer 13

Actually what I have learned is that males are less likely to search and reunion then females are. Not to say that there aren’t some men who do because there are .

Every persons situation is different some have no desire to ever meet their birthfamily, it goes the other way some birthfamily never have a desire to meet a birthparents/family member who was placed for adoption.  Some people might not have a desire but will get that desire later on in some cases they will never have it.  If you can easily contact your birthchild’s mom you might just writer her a letter giving her contact information that if “Charlie” ever wants to meet or have contact with you this is where he can find you. That way there is no pressure if he wants to one day contact you he will have the information and if he does not then he doesn’t.

Answer 14

I gotta tell you that from all I have learned, in general, boys do not seek out their first families.  As far as reuniting, hard to say.  I found my son last year and frankly, neither of us have any plans for reuniting at this time.  I lost a baby, not a grownup and even though we have remarkably similar personalities and look alike, there just isn't a need to meet at this time.  Don't know what the future holds, but I honestly don't know if I can say I see him as a part of my family in the future. This is not the same as a rejection though.

I agree with the other posters. Do reach out. Some of the guys have this idea that if you don't go searching for them, you have no interest.  They have no idea how hard it is to FIND them, but that doesn't seem to matter.

Answer 15

I think your way out of line. The fact that you could find him easily makes me uncomfortable. I am adopted and the thought that my birth-parent could have found me at anytime makes me nervous, uncomfortable and a slew of other negative emotions.  

I can understand your need to find this piece of yourself that you want to be with again however; YOU chose to give him up for adoption.

The fact that you want to factor in his s*x and theorize that he will want to meet based on his gender is completely ridiculous.  And, if I'm correct, he is still underage. This would make it illegal for you to contact him in any way, regardless if his parents allow it. You will be breaking the law.

Also, even though you met his mom and liked her at the time, feelings change. The excitement of the moment, and the new child may have worn off and the mother might not want a thing to do with you now.

In the end it is not up to you at all, but him. He will grow up and HE will decide if he likes you and your family. HE will decide if HE is ready. If you contact him, you will be forcing him into an corner it and could make things worse.

You say you want to be a part of his life, but part of the 'deal' of giving him up is that you gave that up too. If you didn't want him, you don't want to be a part of his life.

On a positive note, I truly hope you can be patient and realize that someday, you may have a wonderful fairytale meeting. Just be aware that there is a reality too.

I also think the advice given that you could write a letter with your contact information for when he is ready, is a great idea!

Answer 16

Some do and some don't. I personally have never wanted to and probably never will. I think that since he is still a minor that if anything you should contact his parents and discuss it with them and let them talk to him and see how he feels about it. I know I would have been very upset had either of my bio's contacted me at that age. Still don't know if  I would like it. But that is how i feel about it, that isn't how all feel about it. At his age the choice has to be his and his parents decision. Not to sound mean but you must prepare yourself if he wants no contact. Everyone is different on this,  and you have to be prepared for things to go either way. I do think it is a little frightening that you say you can find him pretty easy.