Do adoptees resent adoptive parents?

Question

Do adoptees feel as though their adoptive parent "took" them away from their birthmom and resent them for it? My daughter is two and I am worried that these early years will be the best adn things will go downhill as she begins to understand what adoption is exactly.

Answer 1

Personally I am not adopted but my best friend growing up was. She never once thought of her adoptive parents as the ones that had taken her away from her biological ones.

They were always completely honest with her, so they never hid from her they werent her biological parents like I hear so many are afraid to tell their adopted kids.

I dont think she will resent you for "taking her away" just love her like shes your own (because now she is!)

Answer 2

I feel nothing but love for my adoptive parents.  (Any problems I have with mine stem with conflicts that actually arose during our lives together, not because of my adoption itself.)

I do struggle with adoption, and I was made to feel as though it wasn't something I could talk about with my parents.  But I don't know if that came from them or from me.  

Several of the responses here seem right to me...  Be open with your daughter, reassure her that it's alright to talk about her feelings.  In other words, be a good parent.  It's good that you are thinking about this now.  I think it shows a healthy sensitivity to the issues your daughter might face some day.  Don't worry about what might happen in the future.  Just be there for her.  It's all you can do.  

Good luck.

Answer 3

No! But my experience may be different from others. Growing up my adoptive parents never bad mouthed my mother. I also never felt they "took" me from my mother. My birth mother made a choice to place me in adoption because of the circumstance surrounding her lifestyle at the time. In no way did my adoptive parents play into those circumstances nor did the contribute to it. Just be open and honest with your daughter regarding her adoption. Trust me she will appreciate it.

Answer 4

i don't think that an adoptee feels that way. it's first moms who have are angry at a system that is in dire need of reform.

love her, tell her the truth, and if you have an open adoption, honor your commitment. problems arise with children when they feel like they have been lied to.

i think most adoptees on this site love their parents very much. they are also angry at a system that denies them some basic rights.

don't think of the first mom as competition. she can't "take" your love and relationship away. she's an addition, just like all grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings. more love.

a first moms greatest hope is that the child will be happy and loved. the anger is in the way they are cut out of having the promised contact. pictures, updates, some have worked out visitations. if that breech hadn't happened, perhaps there wouldn't be as much anger.

Answer 5

Nope, my parents did not take me from my natural mother - societal views, lack of family support and the system did.

I'd also like to thank BPD Wife for her answer. It's nice to know that there are reasonable people who can engage in conversations with those whose views might not be identical - if more adoptive parents like her were willing to see why reform is needed then maybe something could actually get done.

Answer 6

My husband and his (adoptive) sister were adopted and I think that they are both very grateful that such loving people as their parents chose to give them a good home.  I've spoken at length with them about it and neither of them are even concerned with meeting their biological family because they already have relatives who care about them.

I think the concern is more that an adoptee doesn't feel rejected by their birth parents.  I think a good explanation is that the birth parents were sick or having a very hard time with life and they knew that they wouldn't be able to take good care of their baby, so they gave her to you because they knew that you would love her and take good care of her.

I also think it is important to make sure she knows that you did not do her a favor, necessarily, by adopting her, but that you really really wanted her and that you are grateful that you were able to adopt her.

Answer 7

No, I have better things to do with my time.  I resent, perhaps, my mother's bad temper, but that is not because of adoption.  Genetics has nothing to do with exploding in anger over a smell out of the kitchen from bean soup cooking, no?  Genes vs. adoption, doesn't matter.  It is about the parenting style.

Answer 8

The anti-adoption (a few adopted, most birth mothers) trolls not only "resent" us, they hate us and call us "baby-snatchers". Just block and ignore them. Just as they are giving thumbs down to those of us who they hate and blame all of their s***w-ups on, all you have to do is when you see the blocked sign, vote down, and you don't have to read their horrible lies. By their answers, one can easily see why their children were taken from them.

DO NOT even allow the thought that "things will go downhill..." enter your mind, ever! We are families in every sense of the word. My daughter has known about her adoption since day one and she couldn't care less. She and her friends have talked about it and those who are nosy or mean, she tells them to mind their own business. She is only 8 years old. All families will have their ups and downs. That is normal. Please don't underestimate your daughter and your relationship with her. My daughter loves celebrating both her birthday and and the day the adoption was finalized in Russia. When she is old enough, we will talk more in depth about her circumstances. I have asked her if she wants to talk about it and so far she says no and I respect her choices. Don't ever doubt for a moment that you aren't your child's mother. You are.

Do not let these horrid trolls get under your skin. Whenever you come into this forum, pretend it's "Opposite Day". Block and thumbs down. Look at the thumbs down they will give me and anyone who "dares" to disagree with them.

Please promise me that you will not ever think this way again. Blessings & best wishes to you & your baby.

From the very proud adoptive single mother by choice of the most beloved and dearest little girl ever! Both blessed by the miracle of adoption.

Answer 9

It's pretty subjective. Some adoptees do resent their adoptive parents, some do not.

My suggestion is that you are always open and honest with her about her adoption and her (bio)family. If and when she wants to find them, help her. Be open to that fact that no matter how great of a home you provide for her, no matter how much you love her, no matter how happy her life is with you, she may still feel like something is missing.

It's normal to wonder where you came from, and who you look like.

Now is a great time to read her children's stories about adoption.

Answer 10

I can't speak for others but I can say that I personally do not resent my adoptive parents for my adoption.  There is no reason to.

I think the big thing that people need to understand is that there is a big difference between adoption and relinquishment.

For me, my issues stemmed from the fact that my firstmother relinquished me.  Mine was a closed adoption and no one could really tell us her reasons.  I felt a lot of pain and loss with that growing up.  But really, it had nothing to do with my adoptive parents.

I am glad that they for the most part tried to be sensitive to my feelings of abandonment.  They let me express my grief and they tried their best to answer my questions without being defensive.

Just be honest with your child and supportive of their feelings.  It can go a long way.

Answer 11

Before reading all the answers to your question above, I have to admit that my return to Y!A Adoption section led me to believe that my child would someday hate me for "snatching" him from his birth family.  Some of the questions & answers out there terrified me with the amount of hostility there was for adoptive parents.  So I was pleasantly surprised with some of the responses above.  

I've learned, however, in speaking with others in this group that it is not necessarily the adoptive parents that the child hates or resents, but rather the adoption system.  Having seen several sides of the system, I can say that I can understand their points to some degree.  Even I, as an adoptive mother, believe that the adoption system and the legislature regarding adoption both need a major overhaul.  

That all being said, I do not believe an adoptive child will resent his/her parents unless they are not open and honest with them.  As long as you are honest with everything and are there to support them, I believe (and hope for my own sake as an adoptive mom) that your child will love and respect the decision that you made.

Answer 12

Not really.

I think they were sold a false promise--that I'd be just like a child that they would have had together.

They read all the books written by social workers and so-called professionals about how to handle the adopted child, and they followed this advice.  Of course 40 years later we know it's garbage, but they didn't know any better.

With the advent of the internet, and several good books written on the topic, there is no excuse for today's adoptive parents ignorance.

Please read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

Answer 13

I love my adoptive parents more than I love my birth parents honestly. If my birth parents didnt want me and werent going to take good care of me then I am so thankful to have a family that loves me now.  I dont have anything against my birth parents, but I do love my adoptive parents a ton!

Answer 14

Nope, never.  I had the usual adolescent issues, some of which were of course compounded by adoption, but I never truly resented my parents. They were always completely honest, straightforward and matter of fact about my life story, and fully accepted that and me for who I am.  There was nothing to resent!

Answer 15

I don't resent my aparents, per se, they gave me a supportive and loving home, and I know that they did their very best.  I did feel loved by them growing up and still do.

I do resent the fact that they already had two biological sons when they adopted me and the dynamics between me and my 'brothers' was pretty unhealthy.

Mostly, I resent the situation of being adopted.  My aparents always told me that I was adopted from the beginning, but I remember the day that I actually understood what it meant.  I remember every detail of that moment.  I was six years old, and I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me, my whole life changed in that instant.  Up until then, I had been a happy child but with that understanding and all the ramifications of what it meant to me, I became very depressed.  

I'm still working on accepting and healing the wound that happened that day.  I hope very, very much that your daughter will not feel this way when she understands what being adopted means.  I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

Answer 16

I'm sure it all depends on the person, and the situation. There is a large body of work regarding our prenatal experiences.

Trust your instincts, if you believe this is how your daughter will feel, start educating yourself to be empathic to her POV, and do whatever you can to facilitate a relationship with her mother.  Knowing her mother should lessen her feelings of being "taken"

Answer 17

It depends on the child and how you treat the child.  It also depends upon how you consider the child's natural parents.  I know my own adoptive mother never talked negatively about my natural mother.  If you base it on honesty, kindness and truth, you will be fine as a mother.  If you talk negatively about your child's parents, your child will think that you consider him/her negatively.  

When the time comes for your child to search, be loving, be kind, be supportive.  Your child will love you forever for it.

Answer 18

No, far from it. I am adopted and have never felt anything like that.  I have actually found my birth mother, and i remember feeling so worried about how that would make my adoptive parents feel.  I though they would feel really sad, as if i didn't appreciate them.  The only thing i would very strongly suggest is that you tell her that she is adopted very early. I was told before my third birthday and gently reminded regularly, and i can never remember being told, it was just a normal thing.  Here is a little poem i was told, and i reckon it sums up adoption pretty well!

Nor flesh of my flesh,

Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own,

Never forget for a single minute,

You weren't born under my heart,

But in it.

This poem was written by an adoptive mother, but the feelings are the same for the child, i love my adoptive parents more than i could ever love my birth mother. Your daughter has no need to think you TOOK her away from anyone, and every reason to believe you chose her. Like every mother, your worrying too much!

Answer 19

i am adopted. i never resented my adoptive parents. If she says who are my "real parents" reply u are because legally, u are. then explain how she was adopted and how much you wanted her and how your wish came true and you got her. just say that her birth mommy couldn't take care of her and she knew that you would love her and then gave her to you.

Answer 20

I  was adopted when I was five weeks old, and I have nothing but love for my parents.  For me, there is no birth mother---it's that simple.  My parents didn't take me from anyone---they opened up their hearts for me and loved me as their own.  There is no greater blessing than that.

Answer 21

I don't resent my parents at all.  Usually the rule of thumb is to never ever say anything bad about the birth family, always be open when answering any questions she has, and you should be fine.

I mean if I had the choice of whether I stayed with my B-mom or was adopted, I would definately have picked adopted.

Answer 22

paid for?

ordered from a check list of qualities and races they'd accept?

identity and primal needs denied by name changes and record sealing?

YES.

Did they(aparents) TAKE me from my first mother, NO.

They never even met. They wouldn't have been able to "get me back to" my first mother. Nevertheless....if there was no house to send me to, would the foster care system have encouraged my mother to parent? because she WAS capable of doing so. She was never a threat to me. Just young, and scared. If there was no demand for me, would they still have taken me? Or would a system be made that encouraged parents capable of raising their children, to do so.

One has to wonder.

Is it my aparents fault? NOT AT ALL. they were played by the system as well. Agencies played off of their infertile dreams of having children and sold me to them through those dreams. Sold me as a cure to their aching for a child life. they fell for it, and never considered how i'd feel when I grew up. Is ignorance forgiveable? if I want a relationship w/ my aparents it must be.  There is no other way around it, they were ignorant to my feelings and my rights.

I love them.

All of them.

I love my parents.