Do adult adoptees really have anything to GAIN by being here, asking and answering questions?

Question

Attorneys, social workers, prospective adoptive parents, and adoptive parents have or will GAIN from adoption.

People here seem to get so angry with adult adoptees for speaking our minds and trying to enlighten the non-adopted about the history, effects, and the problems with adoption.

But ask yourself--what do WE, the adoptees have to GAIN?

Answer 1

I value the adult adoptee experiences and have learned many things here. What I don't like is the general disrespect for the PAP or AP from SOME of the adoptees. Some are thoughtful and well spoken and some are downright rude to any AP that dare ask or answer a question.

None of us here can change your adoption experience but the one thing that I hope you gain is the peace of mind knowing that some adoptive parents care very much about the emotional health of all adoptees. I for one wish all adoptees access for their records. This is not an issue for my daughter but had I not come here to learn I would not have cared or understood about other adoptees, such as you, like I do now.

So for what it's worth.....that's what you have to gain from me.

Peace

Answer 2

Nothing to gain  but a whole lot of abuse from people.   I put up with it because I care about adoptees

I hope to reach other adoptees who have not yet found a voice to describe their feelings, because I was that adoptee once and it helped to know I was  not alone

And I hope to reach adoptive parents who are willing to listen without bashing because it makes them feel uncomfortable and I'm pleased to say there are more out there than I had previously thought who really do care about the adoptees' best interests :)

ps.  I have also found that the adoptees accused of being bitter are among the least  bitter people here LOL

Answer 3

I have gained knowledge that there is some who have hard feelings about adoption. I may not agree with you and others hard line that all adoption is bad. Especially since i benefited from adoption with being raised in a good home. But i have come to understand that there are needed reforms and that adoption did not fix everything for those that gave up their babies and for those that adopted.

Answer 4

playstei:  So I guess adoptees are not a part of the adoptive family?

Typical.

I like connecting with other adoptees, esp. the ones who have had no real contact with other adoptees before, I like feeling like I am giving them the validation that no matter what b.s. has been shoved down their throats, they have a right to a normal reaction to a sad situation.

Good question.

Answer 5

In particular, many of the adoptees seem to be seeking to validate their own feelings or to strike back at something they think hurt them.  They can't strike back at their own parents so they strike at future ones.

Answer 6

This is about potential adoptive families or those who have adopted. It's nice to have an adoptees input, but when they rant and rave in bitterness about adoption and make anti-adoption statements it's counter productive. People come here for answers about their adoptions and being an adoptive family, not to listen to people rant and rave about how horrible their life was because they were adopted or had a bad experience. Not all adoptees feel that way or turn out that way and not all adoptive families are horrible people like we are sometimes made out to be by other bitter people.

Answer 7

i have notied a lot of adoption stuff on here and some ppl being really mean about it. idk what there deal is it's kinda weird. im sorry on behalf of my kind

Answer 8

I am for adoptee rights but I am looking for my sister's son for her.  I have found on here asking where to post and other legal aspects like getting your non-id.  I have also found some people willing to help me search.

As far as adoptees, here in Indiana, the law says in has to be by mutual consent to meet.  But d**n it is so hard to find anyone for that mutual consent! (We don't have open adoptions here at least not up to 1983, I believe)

Answer 9

Sunny-  I am from both sides - I am adopted and I have adopted 2 children- so I am an adult adoptee that sees both sides of the coin, so to speak.  I am not here to gain anything- I just want to share my experiences, and here others experiences.  If we are doing anything for our gain, than I don't think we are here for the right reasons

Answer 10

I gain a lot of insight onto where the adoption system sucks and just how much repair we're going to have to do.

Answer 11

I've read some adoptee's answers that say this is the first place they've ever been where they feel total acceptance, and where they hear others have similar feelings.  I'm absolutely positive this is not the only place where adoptees are able to speak their minds, but if that is true for even one person, then hallelujah!  

And, of course, you get to pat yourself on the back when someone like me comes along and you teach me something that changes my life, and the way I had planned to parent my child(ren).

What do you feel you gain from it?  I sure hope you gain something valuable, because I'd hate to see you leave.  Reading your answers sometimes makes me want to stand up and shout "YES!!!"

Answer 12

It maybe a little lame but its all that i can come up with.

Some people really do try to listen and learn from Adoptees.  So adoptees are educating some adoptive parents and as a result changing younger adoptees lives for the better.

So maybe you gain a warm fuzzy feeling for helping others?

Well, thats my best shot at answering this question, hope i helped.  I for one do appreciate all of the work Adoptees do on this site.  Thanks Guys.

Answer 13

Personally I post all over Y!A, but this is the section I post the most in because this is the one I relate to the best, adoption having had the biggest impact on my life.

Even though I hafta admit it didnt start out that way, there's a few on here that I've really enjoyed, even a few of the PAP's, and that would probably be why I've continued to come back here.

Do I personally gain from it? Yes I think I have. I've gained another prospective. I think of one pap in particular that has really opened my eyes to see that adoption isnt just about money hungry agencys, or pap's that feel the need to have the status symbol of being a parent. That pap actually cares. I never came across that in my experiences, now I'm glad I have

Answer 14

I like being able to help other adoptees and n-moms with search-related questions.  That's probably where I feel the most "gain", when I can actually help someone find their long-lost relative.

Otherwise I just share my own experiences and perspectives.  I don't think I gain anything from it, but adding my voice as the voice of someone who has lived adoption, I hope someone will read my words and (through my sometimes bad sense of humor) understand that the way adoption agencies portray adoption isn't always correct.  I just want people to realize that there ARE issues with BEING adopted.

For the sake of the present and future adoptees, I want our feelings to be validated, understood, and taken seriously.  I'm in it for the kids.

And with ethics in adoption, there is WAAAYYYY too much money being made by agencies and lawyers, etc., I'd like adoptions to be ethical and moral, so yeah I could gain some insight in to the adoption practices that AP's have gone through...to understand the way the agencies work.

Good question.

Answer 15

You are gaining more than you know. You are the beginning of a movement that is going to change a nation. You have brought enlightenment to many, many people. I've learned alot. I was clueless in so many ways. By educating me, I have passed it on to my husband (who really can be thickheaded at times)and my son. I bring it up at school. Look, if my husband can "get it", we are talking about major breakthroughs.

You will gain the right to your OBC. You will be able to tell your children that you were part of the grassroots organization that made the preservation of families prevail. You will see more people helping out the children left behind in foster care who really need a home and family. You are gaining everyday.

You are a "doer", as are MANY others here. You have spoken up for the voiceless.

There's no doubt that you've been shortchanged. But you've taken the bull by the horns and you are making a difference. When the day is over, you can pat yourself on the back. Okay, I'll do it for you tonight.

You're gaining Sunny, slowly but surely. Best wishes.

Answer 16

I think what I gain here as an adoptive parent is insight to help my children.  What I think adult adoptees hopefully will learn about others experiences, including those who have gone through similiar to there's to create a network of support.

Answer 17

For my part, while I disagree/did disagree with alot that you and other adult adoptees say, Ihave never "Gotten angry" with anyone for speaking their mind, I have tried to plead that some of you drop some of the "all or nothing" terminology you sometimes use, and attempt to admit that adoptoin is not 100% pure evil, all the time..I have forcefully countered someone else's argument, but I've tried to do it in a way that doesn't bash the person.. Honestly, most of the "hatred" appeared to be directed at APs and PAPs, not the other way around.. But that's just what I have seen.. so.....

I believe that adult adopttes like you and other like-minded need to gain (and have been, some of you) the perspective of APs and Paps.. to learn that we're not all "greedy entitled baby stealers." I think some of you need that as much as WE need to learn the downside of adoption.. I have learned alot here.. I'm glad I have, but I will continue to protest that it would have been MUCH more constructive if I had been treated with a bit more tolerance.. My experience here was truly awful for along time..

Enlighten.. please.. but just do it in a respectful way, acknowledge that you may not always be 100% correct, and listen to others as you wish them to listen to you.. Avoid extremeism ("ALL adoptions Ruin ALL adoptees lives" sorry that CAN'T be true, I've heard too many adoptees thanking God that they got the family they did and NOT their birth family)  OF course that doesn't mean it's always good either.. OBVIOUSLY it's not!!   If you enlighten respectfully and without all-or-nothingness, you'll get MUCH farther..

Answer 18

I think everyone here gains something or they wouldn't bother.

Answer 19

I totally get where your going with this, Sunny.  We don't really have an ulterior motive for sharing our experiences.  We don't get anything out of it as far as money, job security, or a "complete" family.

You would think that people would get that...we're not being paid by anyone, we're not a part of the adoption process as it is in an ongoing sense.  We are the end result.  We are the only people who can claim that.  We are the little baby adoptees all grown up with grown up feelings.  People tend to think of us as children still to be shushed and told to go to our rooms.  

But, I do get to answer questions as much for my own self-discovery as for the education of others on here.  It would be so easy to just throw in the towel and say, ok, you guys win.  We are wrong, and you are right...we just must be mistaken about how we feel.

But there's something inside me that just can't give in that easily, I feel that we MUST be heard.  Hopefully, we are helping the next generation of adoptees in the process.

ETA:  Playsteinway, so what you're saying is that we're welcome to share on "your" forum, as long as it's things you want to hear?  You've got to be kidding.  I hope you don't talk to your little adoptee like that.

Answer 20

Playstei... sorry honey, but the Yahoo category of adoption was not built for YOU. It is not only for “potential adoptive families and those who have adopted.”

“People come here for answers about their adoptions and being an adoptive family.” ????? Do you really think this is the sole purpose of the board???? Yeah, I guess you probably do.