Do all adoptions equal abandonment by the nmother?

Question

I understand some children truly are abandonded by their nfamily. But if an nmother willingly places her child with APs in an open adoption arrangement that is honored by both parties do you still consider that abandonment?

I personally do not. I'm asking this question based on an answer I saw to an earlier question: "Is giving a baby up for adoption an act of love?"

Answer 1

I think it is

Answer 2

Whatever the reasons for the mother's loss of her child through adoption, it FEELS like abandonment to the adoptee, so that is what it boils down to.  Period.  If she willingly signed her rights away, then the adoptee feels that they were not lovable enough for their own mother to keep.  If the child was taken by the Courts, then the adoptee feels that they weren't important enough to the mom for them to make whatever changes were needed in order to keep the child.  Any way you shake it, turn it, twist it, or toss it, what it boils down to is how the adoptee feels about it.  In reality, it is more complicated than that, and the first moms have their reasons, whether they were too young to be making decisions like that and were "coerced" into it, or whether they were so involved with their drugs, etc.. to think about their child ahead of themselves.  In reality the first moms experience loss, the adoptees experience loss, and the adoptive parents are not without their own struggles.  

In the end, it doesn't matter what WE call it.  What matters is that we all accept the inevitable reality that adoptees DO FEEL abandoned.  Then, they feel guilty for wanting to find their first moms.  They feel that they are somehow betraying the parents who raised them.  

Wasn't it the adoptee that everyone was so concerned about at the time of the adoption?  Wasn't it????  The needs of the child???  Right???  So, that is still what it's all about, from my perspective.

Answer 3

as an adopted person?  absolutely YES, abandonment is abandonment.

i was LEFT.

Answer 4

You have some very militant people on this board who feel that way.  I do not think that way.

EVERY situation is different, EVERY firstmom/birthmom (I'm trying to respect both preferences in title here) is different, EVERY Adopted Person is different, EVERY PAP is different, EVERY reason is different.

With all of those variables....NOTHING can be that absolute.

Answer 5

Legally, no.  But, then, neither is dumping your child off anonymously at the fire house.  The only thing that makes this no longer considered abandonment is the fact that a law was passed to say that it isn't abandonment.  Ten years ago, it was considered abandonment.

However, a developing child doesn't understand that mom and dad took proper legal channels, however the law currently defines them.  A child only knows that mom and dad aren't there because they "gave up" the child.  At some point, the child may understand that it was legal to do this, and may even understand (if this applies) that mom and dad wanted to parent but didn't have the resources to parent.  It may help lessen the blow, but it doesn't take away the reality.

Answer 6

I think adoption is the biggest act of love a mother who is not ready to have a child can give!! So many women want to go for an abortion instead of giving the child life! There are so many families who would love to have children but are not able. My Aunt had cancer when she was very young and is not able to have children of her own. She adopted a little girl 8 years ago and is finally about to get a little boy! She has wanted children her whole life and thanks God everyday for the Mothers who gave her her children! So I think when a mother knows that the child will be taken care of better by someone else and gives the child up for adoption then it is not abandonment but love!

Answer 7

I think its important to look at this from the "surrendered" childs point of view. While an adoption "plan" may  have been made, and communication between natural and adoptive parents may be established, and infant or child doesn't understand that. A loss of a mother, is a loss of a mother and from my research, I would be more inclined to say YES, surrendering(notice i didn't say "adoption") registers as abandonment in the "surrendered's" eyes or heart or brain development.

Answer 8

From the adults' point of view, I can see how maybe the answer wouldn't always be "yes".  But adoption is about the child.  If I were that child, I think the answer would be "yes", always, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of how well I knew my original family, regardless of how involved they were in my life...they still didn't raise me.  Why?  What's wrong with me?  That's what it feels like TO ME when I put myself in their shoes...every loss feels like a rejection to me, in some deep part of my heart.  I know that not all adoptees will feel this way, but I think it would be safe to assume that it's a good possibility that they will.

Answer 9

It's abandonment in one sense of the word because the child is given up, but legally it isn't...

Answer 10

Whichever way you slice or dice it, that's how it FEELS to an adopted child

If your mother disappeared would you feel loved and special - how could that be

I was not literally abandoned by my mother, but that's how it felt

Answer 11

Does this suggest that my little girl who was wanted by her mother--hidden away and unknown and only discovered at age four due to the drug addiction birth of her little bother...doesn't mean she feels abandoned?

I think Not.

My little girl feels abandonment issues--because something else was more important to her mother then she was....Doesn't really matter to her that her mother didn't want to "place" her.... In fact, my little girls reaction when we talked about the fact her Older Brother was "surrendered" at birth was PURE ENVY that she had not also been placed at birth....

It is all personal and each child has their own feelings.... Abandonment can Mean a Lot of things.....

Answer 12

Not at all, I think it takes a really strong woman to consider what's best for her child and put her child before herself.

Answer 13

My aunt was given a baby by my grandmother's friend. It is an open adoption which was bad at first because the mother tried to take him back but in the end after 9 years it has turned out to be a good thing. He knows both of his moms and since my aunt only has him she has more time to focus on him but he still gets to know his brother. It has over all been a good thing for him. He still sees his mom fairly often and still loves my aunt jsut the same... he is twice blessed.

Answer 14

I think for every situation, there will be two answers to that question.  One from the perspective of the adoptee, the other from the perspective of the first mother/first father.  Those answers may or may not be the same.

So, to answer your question, is it ALWAYS equal abandonment, probably not.  The human experience is too broad and diverse for very many absolutes.