Do all guys do this and why?

Question

My husband and I will get into arguments and he will tell me things to really hurt/try and hurt my feelings. Some of the things he says I know isn't true and some other things he says I don't know if he really believes what he says or not but is truly a low blow. He will tell me things like he thinks the only reason he married me is because of the baby. The only reason he stayed with me is because of the baby. I love him more than he loves me. I'm a bad mom. He says I'm crazy and probably would abandon him and the kids or kill the kids... Why would a man tell his wife these things only when they're mad?? When I ask him why he said those things he always says "Because I'm stupid and I dont think, I dont know why I said those things. Of course I dont mean it, I was just mad." But when he resorts to these things EVERY time we're in an argument, I believe that these are his truest deepest thoughts that he doesn't want to express to me. I do not understand, please answer.

P.S. The thought of killing my kids has never come to mind and never would come to mind. I would never abandon my babies EVER OR do anything to hurt them!

Answer 1

Sounds to me like a classic case of an abusive husband.  Not physically, but verbally and mentally.  This type of person, does not know how to talk to a person respectfully, and its worse if you are the one he supposedly loves.

I would suggest some counselling for him, and secretly tape him next time he does this so he can hear what he sounds like after the fact. He may not go for it, and if he doesn't want to, you may have to make a decision as to whether or not you want to live this way.

Answer 2

No, that is not normal.  A man who loves his wife never tries to cause her hurt or pain, even when arguing.  I think your right and that when he is mad he is stating what he really deep down is thinking.

Answer 3

In would guess that he is angry and playing "can u top This" to try to hurt you. Do not play into it and I would tape him once and when he is over the anger bit - let him hear himself and try one last time for him to grow up - otherwise either take it or keave him

Answer 4

No all guys dont do that and sounds like he likes to say crappy stuff to you cause it makes him feel superior.

Him saying 'cause i was mad" is a b/s excuse.  The rest up to you.  You chose to either live with it or not.  Personally i would think youd want to be w/ someone who respects you. I know i would

Answer 5

i dont and im a guy

i think your right its his deepest thoughts while he is mad

why cant yall talk bout stuff without yelling pityful if you ask me

he says this to you in rage then when the dust settles its you taking his heartless answers of the rage WOW you got problems just like him only you seem like the quiet 1 in the fuss.

and

if i were both of yall i would leave the kids outta it or the lord above will take them since he was the 1 who gave them to you both

Answer 6

He wants to put you down and make you feel less of yourself, like your doing something wrong.  He is the wrong one.  He is probably telling the truth about one thing and that is the only reason he is with you is that baby.  He probably doesn't love you to put you down so low all the time.  You need to have a long talk when your not mad.  Ask him what he expected from the marriage and if he is happy.  There is more to him than what you know.  

Answer 7

No, but some wives even do this. Mine does.

It's what he's saying in the heat of the moment. It's what he is thinking NOW. My wife does this like I said, and regrets everything the next day. She is the most loving person I've ever met, and I know she loves the h**l out of me. But in the heat of the moment she says things she regrets sayign because she gets so fired up.

Answer 8

Males & females both do it. They just know what buttons to push & what will hurt you the most. Don't let him get away with it though otherwise it will never stop. Let him know that you're not going to put up with his emotional abuse any more. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.  

Answer 9

A person's tongue is a dangerous thing if it can't control itself. He needs to think before he speaks as once you have said something -you can NEVER take those words back. He knows it upsets you and i think that is why he does it -an attention seeking thing. It is rather cruel and mean and shows that he is clearly insecure with himself. I think he should go for some professional help where he can learn to love himself again.  

Answer 10

Don't know about ALL guys, but I know several girls that have done it to me.  I'd say it's not exclusive to men.

Answer 11

my husband does the same thing! i dont know why they do it other than the fact they r stupid and were put on this earth to test our boundaries way more than our children. they need to learn when to just shut thier mouths and do what we say

Answer 12

No.

We never talk that way to each other.

And my husband knows better.  If he were to be that disrespectful of me, I'd never have s*x with him again.

Answer 13

I have always had the belief that when someone says something and they either don't mean it or are just joking, there is an ounce of truth to it. So, he must believe these things and/or has thought about them to some extent when he's not mad. I would be concerned because this is verbal abuse. A counselor may be in order to help figure this out. Talk to your husband about talking this through with a third party. If that doesn't work then a separation may be the next step.  

Answer 14

Most of us fail to realize that there are some things said that can never be taken back.  No matter how often you apologize for saying it, the pain from it being said will always be there.  It gets to the point where the psychological abuse is so unbearable that you would much rather have them pick up a baseball bat and swing it at your head.

I'll tell you a story.  I married when I was 19 years old and in the military.  She was 18.  We were both very young and extremely immature.  We were both guilty of the hateful, hateful comments.  We both also knew that we didn't mean what we were saying.  It just seemed to roll of our tongues.  The damage had been done.  So, we went our separate ways.  Seven years later we stumbled across each other.  Given the time and how much we have matured, I now consider her to be one of my best friends.  We actually look back at all of the hurtful/childish things we said and did to each other and laugh.

To answer your question:

You have to be the bigger person.  Yes, what he says may hurt your feelings terribly, but you have to refrain from stooping to his level.  If he loves you at all, he will learn from you.  If you retaliate, then you just add fuel to the fire.  Your other two options are to get him anger management counseling, or seek a divorce.

Answer 15

About him accusing of being capable of hurting the children.  He must have seen things in your conduct,  that make him think so.  Not all men are like him.  He is not the first nor would he be the last,  person to stay in an unhappy relationship,  because of the children.   He doesn't love you that is clear.  All you can do is accept  it or leave it.

Answer 16

Nope, not all guys do that. My husband and I are both very careful during arguments to not say things we don't mean that could hurt the other person.

Sounds like he may have a bit of anger/resentment/etc issues.. You should have him see a counselor or doctor or something.

Answer 17

Look hun...the main reason why he's saying these things is because you have hurt him as deep or deeper than the words he has said. His natural defense mechanism are kicking in and he's pulling these things to compensate for the hurt you put upon him. Someone has to give in these cases between you and your spouse. When you start going down this path, you need to recognize it...Maybe you can discuss a way to handle these issues once you both calm down. He will say anything to hurt you. You should not take any of this to heart. He's mad. Once you make up...you 2 need to come up with a strategy to avoid this...like use a code word tomato" or something...so that you both remember it means to start getting quiet and to tone it down. If that does not work, come up with something else. The bottom line is you need a way to avoid these blow ups and you should find a way once you have setteld down. Take Care

Answer 18

Your husband is mentally abusive.  This is NOT your fault, and you do not need to take responsbility for causing it -- becasue you didn't.

It will not stop until you stop being a "doormat" -- something to be walked over whenever he wishes.

You need to try a legal separation.  First, make arrangement for somewhere to go -- stay with your mother or sister or a friend.  if necessary, there are shelters for women in this position.  Find one.  Find someplace, then move out.

Next, contact a lawyer and make the legal arrangement for a Legal Separation.  Insist on a certain amount of temporary child support, and if possible temporary alimony.  Have the lawyer set this up in some way so that your husband pays the lawyer (or another party) and then they pay you.  Also, make sure that things like the rent (or housepayement), car payments, etc get paid on time, everytime -- don't want to lose the house and car.

And finally, make it a conditrion fo the separation that you BOTH must attend marital counselling -- together AND individually, as requested by the counselor. Make it a condition that you will NOT move back with him untill and unless he completes the counselling, to the  satisfaction of the counsellor.  In other words, the counsellor will tell you when to move back in together.

Have your lawyer find or recommend a marriage counsellor.  If you've gone to a women's shelter, they can make these recommendations, too.

Then stick to it.  Promise your husband -- many many times -- that you WILL move back in WHEN the counsellor says that he has learned enough to control is angry outbursts.

But also let him know that if he refuses the counselling, doesn't attend the appointments, or does not follow the guidleines and techniques that the counsellor teaches, that you WILL divorce him.

Again, understand that the problem is WITH HIM,and DO NOT let him convince you that the problem is with YOU.  Take control of this situation, and you may be able to turn a saddening, situation into a loving marriage.