Do any AP's expect their child to feel grateful?

Question

for not being aborted? For having this so-called better life?

Personally I think these comments toward adoptee's are rude and insulting. I call it emotional hostage. To think that someone would say something like that to my child is appalling to me. If you can say these things to the adoptee's here then it makes me wonder how you feel about you're own adopted child.

Answer 1

I don't get this grateful for not being aborted thing.  Its like saying to someone: Are you grateful you weren't in a car crash today?  Are you grateful you weren't born blind?  Are you grateful you weren't a siamese twin?  It just feels so random and meanspirited. Life just is what it is.

Answer 2

I would not ever even say that to a child.  That's horrible.  

And I've seen comments, "mud", being flung both ways in here.

Answer 3

Grateful, no.  But since i have adopted and biological kids and since my adopted kid has adopted friends (these were all adopted as older kids) - i really don't appreciate the resentment that somehow i "stole" her from a loving, functional family and the implications that i love my adopted kid less than my biological kids.

This poor child also hears outright lies about how her birth mom didn't love her and her birth mom threw her away.  It's hard to fight those lies.

Truth is, i love all my kids.  Any of them "could have" been aborted.  Heck, i could have been aborted.  Same goes for any of us.  I didn't rescue my daughter.  I chose her.  I didn't go through physical labor with her, but i did go through a whole lot of red tape, a whole lot of planning, and a whole lot of work to have her.  I never carried her in my uterus, i carried her in my heart.

Answer 4

I think that the comment about being aborted is rude for any child - regardless of adoption or not.  The reality is that any child can be aborted during pregnancy.  I would never expect my son to feel grateful for not being aborted.

Now to play devil's advocate here.....I can somewhat see how someone may not realize what they are saying is rude.  How often is someone in a near miss car accident and you tell them "it could have been worse; you could have been killed".  When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, someone actually had the nerve to tell her "it could be worse; you could have been given only 6 months to live".  People often use the positive side of things to try to make someone feel better, but in reality, what they have said really isn't a nice thing.  I'm not saying it is right; I'm just throwing the explanation out there to help others possibly understand that comments are not always meant to be hurtful.

Answer 5

Great question, Cam.

My parents never once expected me to feel this way.  To think that they would want me to feel grateful for my very existence on this planet is, well, as you put it...appalling.  To say this to an adoptee, or ANYONE is just twisted.

Answer 6

I would hope to think that any AP's with that attitude would be weeded out and not actually become parents.  I don't expect my biological daughter to feel gratitude for being born.  It should not be expected.

Answer 7

Um, I am the grateful one for the gift I am given.  It is given at a loss of the children adn a loss of hte birth paretns, but they lost their right to parents, and so I am grateful that this will be my familhy.

Answer 8

I am the kind of person who is very grateful for anything God gives me in life.  I used to feel like my adopted children should feel some sort of gratitude for us adopting them, but I think it was more a feeling of returning the love if I had to pin point it.  Growing up, my mother always seemed to love my little sister more and I didn't feel her lot a lot of time so I basically lived with my grandmother.  I was over their all the time.  I was grateful that she was there for me and loved me.  I don't think that is wrong to appreciate what people do for you.  I know now how much my grandmother must have sacrificed for me.  As a child, sometimes they just expect things.  I don't expect anything from anyone and any love or friendship people give me is a FREE BONUS in life.  I think kids should be grateful to some extent because people do not have to be this kind to them.  They should be grateful for the love they are give and not the action of adoption.

Answer 9

Of course I don't EVER expect my children to feel grateful to me or for not being aborted.  I feel grateful that I am able to be their parent.  I am the lucky one, not my kids.

I think the whole aren't you glad you weren't aborted comment is to put things into perspective for all the bitter, angry adoptees out there.  They feel they have the market on feeling loss.  What about all the children that lose 1 parent at an early age?  Don't they too feel loss?  I know that they still know thier heritage and medical background, but they don't know their parent.  

I don't think anyone should ever be told "At least you weren't aborted" unless the person saying it has been aborted and can share the experience(I know that is not possible).

Answer 10

NO and I hope people realize that it is not the majority of us PAPs or APs who say such thing but maybe only one or MAYBE 2..

I hope to adopt, but don't "expect" my child to be grateful for that kind of stuff.. I would hope to GOD I never, no matter how heated, use the "abortion" card on my child..

I HOPE however, that I am a good enough mother and give enough love that my (Future) adopted child will automatically be happy for the love, happy I'm his/her mom.... just as I am so grateful to my (bio) mom for being such a wonderful mother, for all the sacrifices she made for me.. for her selflessness..

Answer 11

Honestly, in my experience, I don't think this is common.  My adoptive parents love me.  My amom wanted to talk to my first mom to thank her.  I think my amom feels grateful, and I wasn't made to feel indebted by my aparents.  I do think others, perhaps mostly people who aren't involved directly in adoption (as a member of the "triad") are the ones most likely to say things like this.  At least, that's been my experience.  I hope it's true.

Answer 12

No, of course not!  It is an awful burden to place on a child.  Emotional blackmail at its worst.

Answer 13

my a-parents never said this to me! thank goodness!

Answer 14

Nope.  Nope.  Nope.

Answer 15

Thank you, Cam, for posting this.  I realize there are some people out in the world who think this, as they have posted that very rude and hurtful and assumptive question right here. Hopefully, your explanation will help in getting those people who ask this to understand what is inherently wrong with this type of thinking.

Answer 16

I wouldn't think that an adopted child should feel that anymore than a birth child.  After all, I could have just as easily aborted my own children than given them life (NO!  I'm just saying for the sake of argument...my children were desired, prayed for...heck PLED for).

That is a stupid thing to even say to anyone.  It is like when I work with foster parents who are adopting sometimes they get fed up with the kids (and you have to understand these kids can be TRYING) and say "If you don't stop it I'm not going to adopt you."

NOTHING makes me angrier with people.  Adoption just like birth is a gift.  You give it or you don't.  It is not a reward or a punishment.  

Most people adopt for the same reason I gave birth.  I wanted children.  Why should anyone feel grateful for something my husband and I did for ourselves?

You are right it is emotional hostage taking, it is appalling, and I see it with some people who want to adopt my foster kids.  I call it the hero complex (and it is not just infertile couples most of these people have kids).  I usually weed them out and discourage them from adopting.

It is RUDE it is INSULTING and it makes no sense.  

But you must remember the same adoptive parents who would say this would be stupid and say something equally bad to a biological child.  It is not the adoption that makes the person ignorant and hateful.

Also, some of these people have been so attacked on this board, they are saying things out of hurt and anger....and insecurity.  Some of these people have been very loving and good parents and get called blackmarket baby buyers and everything else on this site.  When people are hurt, they say things they don't entirely mean.

Some people did have a better life than they would have had...no so-called about it.

PS GAI RAINN (SP)

I have 10 years in the field...you are going to be an AWESOME adoptive mom...I wish you lived near me....I'd steal you from your agency!

Answer 17

Thank you Cam.  

Good luck getting anyone to admit to it

Answer 18

I am totally against abortion, I am adopted and my 2 children are adopted-  however I word never throw that in their faces.  That would be said, in anger, when your child is misbehaving, and NO THAT WOULD NOT BE RIGHT AT ALL.  I say that I am grateful that I was not aborted- however, telling someone else that does not seem right. However isn't life more precious, than not having life?  I may be wrong, and if I am , I am sorry