Do any other adoptees feel like me?

Question

I was adopted..it was never a secret. I was pretty much ok with it. When I got pregnant I wanted to meet my birthmom...it was easy enough because my uncle always knew where she was.

In short, my birth mom is not a good person. I can be wrong for saying that, but she's not. She went on to have more kids kept some, didn't keep others. When we met she was more interested in my money than me....she actually tried to shake me down before my husband made me get a new phone.

My parents are my parents...she is JUST a birth mom. She gave birth to me and that is it....any fertile woman could have done that.

My mom told me about periods, how to nurse my kids, MADE my 1st Communion Dress AND my wedding dress out of lace from the same family lace she made my sisters.

My mom held me when I thought I was miscarrying my twins (I didn't).

My dad walked me down the aisle and told my husband he better take care of me. My dad stared down all the boys at the door before him

Answer 1

Maggie I feel exactly the same way as you!  My brothers (parents bio kids) built forts and went camping with me as a child, my mom took care of me when I was sick, put little notes in my lunch back in kindergarten, and lead my girlscout troop for all 13 years I did it, and my dad explained Star trek to me as I constantly interrupted during his favorite show, and  walked me down the isle as we both cried on my wedding day  .. I dont know who my birthmother is, whether she is a complete mess or a total saint, all I know is at 15 she did and completly selfless and wonderful thing to give me away, but to me she is a stranger. I know who my parents are, they were there everyday of my life for me!

Answer 2

I do feel that way. When I was adopted they didn't become my adoptive parents they became my parents. I knew that I was adopted and it never bothered me. I have no desire to ever meet my bio mom. Not that she is a bad person, but she is a part of my past and that is all she is to me. I have never understood how some women can pick and choose which kids they will keep. But I have never been there so I try not to judge them. My parents are the ones that raised me and the ones who were there through good and bad times. I'm in my 40's now and it is because of their guidance and love and support that I am the person I am not because of the ones who made me. I do not wish my bio mom bad but she isn't and never will be a part of my life. My mom and dad are the reason I am a well adjusted adult. They are the reason I have been able to handle the challenges I have had in my life.  So to me it sounds like you are well adjusted and have come to terms with things. Don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong to feel this way because you are not. Each adoptee has to come to their own terms concerning their adoption. Glad yours (like mine) turned out well.

Answer 3

I think you are very lucky to have a Mom and Dad that love you very much. What does it matter if they have biological ties to you or not. I think if you and your birth mom didn't feel a "bond" forget about her and move on with your real family.

Answer 4

I am 34 and adopted. I have never met my biological mom but would like to, whether or not she turned out to be a good person. Different people have different reasons for giving up their children but consider the alternative.  The point is, when i think that she could have had an abortion and i might not be here right now it makes me know that she did the right thing! She could be a complete jerk or a saint but i know she is good enough b/c she didn't kill me.  

Also, I'm confused about your problem with your birth mom having more kids.  If she got her life together, got married and had a stable life, i dont' see what the problem is.  But you are right that she shouldn t' be after your money.

My adoptive parents ARE my parents and no one not even my birth mother could replace them,  but you should realize that carrying a child for 9 months is hard when you know you are going to give it away.  So, biological mothers make the right choice...forget that they got pregnant at the wrong time and realize that once they did they did a really good thing when they chose not to kill their baby.

Answer 5

Yes and no.  

My first mom is my mom.  She's just not my only one.  I think she's a very good person, and part of me wishes she had parented me.  I wouldn't expect someone with a different reunion experience to feel the way I do.  So, in this way, I don't feel the way you do.  But I think the way you feel makes perfect sense given your situation.

I completely agree that the way I feel about my first mom should take nothing away from my adoptive parents.  I love them.  They are good people who did the best they could for me.  Just because I love my first mom doesn't mean I don't love them.  And I wouldn't want my relationship with her to take anything away from them.

Answer 6

I am adopted and have struggled w/ the decision of whether or not to find my birth mom.  One of my concerns is possibly not liking what I found.

Your story solidified why I haven't looked for them, because I am very fearful that I would find exactly what you did and would have to carry that with me, when it wasn't at all necessary for me to do so.

I am very sorry for your experiences, but appreciate you sharing them.

Answer 7

I won't try to tell you how to feel but, want you to know you can love and feel the way you wish about anyone in your life...  Don't allow anyone on the interent to tell you how to feel and as for the questions being deleted that is part of the politics here--some people just need to remove anything that doesn't agree with their position and since it's an automated process it happens often...

We are all unique and we all feel what we feel and have our own experieinces.... when there is a group of others who work together to change someone elses personal feelings it gets hard....that is how it is here.....

You can love and feel whatever way you want! And you should!

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Answer 8

It's fine to feel that way.   I don't feel that way but your truth is your truth and that's just fine, I'm sure there are adoptees that can identify.

I think the most important thing is truth and honesty in adoption.  Knowing is better than not knowing the whole truth - whether that truth is good or bad, it's better than being left in the dark.

Personally I adore BOTH of my mothers :)

Answer 9

I am right there with you.  I feel that my bio-mom (and I use that term loosely) was just a baby maker to supply more kids for my bio-dad's (a term I use even more loosely) obsession with little girls.  I have nothing but hatred and disgust for both of them, and do not consider them my "parents" by any definition.  They simply were the vessel that allowed me to enter this life.  

My parents are the people who raised me.  They took a small broken little girl and gave her safety, unconditional love, and the help she needed to get through her nightmare.  Those are my parents.  

So, yes, I do feel the same as you.  And I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one.  I know there are people out there who are good bio-parents.  My cousin adopted a child who has wonderful bio parents and an open relationship.  That just wasn't my situation.

Answer 10

i dont think i understand your question. i have friends that are adopted and theire parents are there parents, there biological parents are just people that for one reason or another gave them up. but i hope your not saying that a woman who gives up a child for a real reason should not be allowed to have more children, because thats just wrong. my uncles youngest son is adopted and it was a family adoption. the family member that had him was 20 years old in a horrible relationship and knew she was not mature enough to be a mother. she is now married with a child of her own. the child that my uncle adopted has always known he was adopted and who his biological mom is. he also knows his half sibling and treats her as his sibling. so what your saying is she doesnt deserve to have an adult life with marriage and kids because she made a mistake by getting pregnant at 20 but gave that child a wonderful life with parents that love him.

Answer 11

I think it is fine to feel however you feel.  I don't have feelings towards my birth mother one way or another and assume she is a good person but I have never met her.  You have first hand knowledge of who your birthmother is and so you can feel whatever you want.  Don't let others tell you that you should love her or even respect her.  She seems to fall under the "no good" category for parents but that is of course based on what you said.  Good Luck and best wishes!

Answer 12

My daughter's birth mom is a great person from what I know, just not ready to be a parent to my daughter. But I hope that when my daughter is older that she feels the way you do about her (adoptive) parents. I know several adult adoptees who feel like you, so you are certainly not alone.

Answer 13

You and I sound a lot alike. My bmom did the same thing and I am glad she gave me up. Knowing her and the life I could have had makes sick to think about it.

The people who adopted me were my parents in every sense of the word.

As far as I am concerned, my bmom will NEVER be my mother!!!!

Answer 14

I love my adoptive parents they are my parents! However they are not like some PAP's or AP's who feel that i should only love them. They encouraged me to reach out to my first mother. They knew that they taught me to have a big enough heart to encompass two families. I respect my first mother just not her life choices. I have a great relationship with my biological grandma, that does not mean that i love my adoptive grandma any less. In fact i'm helping to take care of my adoptive grandma. I shouldn't have to choose between two families, especially if my first mother was never mean to me or shake me down for money. She knew that she was not my mother, but that my adoptive mother was my mother. I'm sorry that your first mother turned out to be someone you couldn't have a relationship. BUT i choose not to be divided. I have a big enough heart to have relationships with both families. I respect my first mother enough not to call her an egg donor. I know who my parents are! I just get upset when i see or hear pap's or ap's saying that they are scared that an adoptive child will stop loving them. Please, grow up, i didn't stop loving my adoptive parents just because i found my first family.

Answer 15

Sorry you had to find out what kind of birth mother you had. I guess you were lucky she even took the time to go through the 9 months to have you. And your parents were lucky to have a not nice person to give you to them. Hey I never saw Did you ever find your natural father? Just maybe he was a nice person.  Glad you had a nice home and parents but there are some out there that haven't had it as nice as you.

Answer 16

i dont really know i havent meet my birth mom yet i would like to she was going to get married and broke up right b4 she new she was pregnant.

but my adopt mom said she gave me up because she loved me thats y she didnt have an abortion

Answer 17

I love my adoptive parents and I love my first mom, I just love them in different ways.  They've both given me part of who I am and, for me, loving them is loving different parts of myself.

I am very proud of my first mom.  I'm proud of who she is, what she does, her beliefs, her morals and how she conducts her life.   It sounds like you don't feel the same about yours (with good reason) and would rather just distance yourself from her.  There's nothing wrong with that. Frankly, I would probably feel the same way if my circumstances were similar to yours.

No parents are saints.  I know that mine aren't and I'm not to my children.  We all do the best we can with what we have.  Your first mother sounds like she didn't have much, sometimes that's just the way it is.