Do aparents ever really educate themselves?

Question

on the enormous loss it causes an adoptee to become an adoptee? i don't see a lot of education on adoptee's loss. and yes......it is very real.

i am an adult adoptee still recovering from the process. please keep stupid answers to a minimum. no hate male SP.

Answer 1

A few aparents here on Y!A have shown me that they do try to understand the adoptees side.

Sadly a lot of a parents don't even do that. Mine brought me home expecting me to just get over what I had been through, and when I didn't I was rejected by them.

Even the PAP's here that have shown me they try to understand, have also shown me that adoption from the adoptee's viewpoint cannot really be understood unless sadly you are an adoptee. They can try to sympathize and imagine but its just not the same as living the experience

Answer 2

I agree with grapes....

In our classes, we spent a lot of time meeting adoptive parents, first mothers adoptees. Everyone had a GREAT story and had wonderful open relationships, except for 1 adult adoptee who doesn't even know her ethnicity because she was in a closed adoption in the 60's.

There were so many emotions I wasn't prepared for. As right as I knew it was for us to adopt him, I had a hard time. I grieved for him and his first family. I found it hard to smile, and if I did it was a fake smile. I was overwhelmed with love for him, but just wasn't expecting the feelings I had. I'm sure not all aparents will feel this way, but I did.

I guess It may be compared to a heart transplant. One may be grateful that they got a young healthy heart, but also know that a loss took place to make that happen. Some people fell, "hey if I didn't get it someone Will" and other may grieve the loss the family suffered and the acknowledge the sacrifice that was made.

Answer 3

We certainly put our best foot forward and try to understand.  I am here interacting with people, some of who I find quite negative and rude and some of whom give me hope that I can accomplish my mission, but try to learn from all of them despite this.  I read books, magazine articles, and chat on other forums as well.  So yes, I do try to "educate " myself.

The thing that would behoove EVERYONE on here to remember:  Every person is different, so you can't slap a label on a person and say it is so for the whole group.  That is why there is so much dissension between the "I am an adoptee and am fine with it' group and the "I am an adoptee and hate it" group.  One size does not fit all in this case.

Answer 4

I researched all I could before I adopted my son.  I'm STILL researching...  and as a result of this board, have learned about issues that may arise in my son's adult years.

You know when I post questions I get all kinds of answers, some nice and some pretty mean.  So, I could say "keep stupid answers to a minimum" as well, but then I wouldn't get all views of answers becuse what I think is stupid may make sense to another.  Adoptive parents' questions should be taken serioulsy to help the children.

Answer 5

We were required to take a class through the Special Needs Adoption Coalition.  The class lasted 3 days, and totalled about 18 hours, which is not enough by far.  We learned a lot in that short time, but not nearly enough, and some subjects that SHOULD be covered, were not.  Most importantly, the loss of the adoptee's biological family.  I have spent about 5 years researching adoption from many different perspectives.  I've read books from adoptive parents' perspectives (sadly, most of these are horribly self-righteous, and none of them that I read mentioned the loss of the adoptee's biological family); biological mothers' perspectives (wish there were more books from the fathers' perspective); and from the adoptee's perspective (these books take up about 50% of my "adoption library").  I also have books that don't deal specifically with adoption, but are focused on helping children heal from loss and grief.

I will always have more learning to do.  It will never, ever be enough.  But I sure hope I'm prepared, as well as I can be anyway, to help my kids.  I also know that no matter how prepared I am, there are certain things I can't fix.  But I sure can give great hugs!!!

ETA:  Jelly Tots, you frighten me.  Of course, people need to educate themselves!!!  Physical, mental, and emotional abuse, and neglect, were what came "instinctively" to my mom.  And what came "instinctively" to my dad was blissful ignorance.  Sure, I ate.  I had a roof over my head.  I had water.  Maybe all that was inconsistent, but it was enough to survive.  But what I NEEDED, as a human being, deep down in my soul, my parents did NOT instinctively know how to give.

Answer 6

It may be real for you, but like m**o it isnt for me.  As an adult adoptee I can categorically state that I feel NO LOSS as a result of my adoption.  If you do Im sorry, that is obviously something you need to work through with your therapist.  As for dictating what kind of answers you want to recieve, get over yourself, this is a public forum and we are all entitiled to our own opinion.  Even if you dont like it.

Answer 7

Of course they do.  It would be nice if all parents educated themselves on parenting.  When I was born there weren't resources on adoptees.  It was thought that raising adoptees was no different than raising one's bio child.  I think this has really changed greatly over the years.  There will always be those who choose to stick their heads in the sand, but most a parents want the best for their kids and try to find out what they can about adoptees.

m**o-if parenting were natural we wouldn't have foster care or child protective services.  I think EVERY parent would benefit in learning about child development, baby care.  Why subject the poor baby to trial and error?

Answer 8

I know a lot of adoptive parents who really, really go to great lengths to educate themselves.  Look at informedadoptions.com.  I also know many adoptive parents who are very happy to stay ignorant and keep a glossy view of adoption.  On one adoptive parent forum I was on recently, adoption loss was being discussed.  One pap wrote that she had been to her pediatritian and discussed the issue.  He "reminded her" that children do not experience loss before age 3, they only experience things as change.  Whoa!  I was astounded that she seemed to just take that reassurance and not want to listen to any of us who gave our experience with grieving babies and toddlers.  

So, I guess my answer is, some adoptive parents really really do take responsibility for educating themselves, and I think the percentage is growing. And yet there will always be some who never will.

Answer 9

I think that most adoptive parents truly make an attempt to educate themselves about adoption.  Unfortunately, the resources that they rely on are not written from the point of view of the adoptee.  They proudly claim that they are "educated" after attending adoption classes provided by their adoption agencies and after reading books written by other adoptive parents and adoption workers who make their living by getting people to relinquish their children.

None of those resources seriously address loss for adoptees of first families.  That might turn off the paying customers!

Answer 10

I think more parents who adopted today probably try and educated themselves more and prepare for anything.

In any situation someone can try to educate themselves but unless they are living in that person shoes have the same experiences they cant ever full get it. Monoraical people will never fully get what’s its like to be mixed raced, the issues that we have to deal with. People who are say transgendered wouldn’t ever fully understand a transgenders feelings of being trapped in the wrong gender body, they can read about it, they can hear experiences but in the end outside maybe discrimination which a lot people face they wouldn’t fully get it.

I respect everyone experiences but I as an adoptee don’t get this whole loss or pining away for birth family.  As its something i never felt or done.

Answer 11

I am an adoptive mom and work with a lot of adoptive parents ( i do home studies).  I have never met any that didn't try to educate themselves about the process and the problems that may come up for their children in the future.  

I am actually thinking the absolute opposite of you.  Adoptive parents are told too much that the adoption will bring loss and problems.  I have read books and met with counselors that specialize in adoption.  All I heard about was the loss.  It is scary because many of the resources made it feel out of our control.   I have also talked with many adult adoptees that say they never felt a deep loss - except one that was not given up for adoption until she was a toddler.  I think it all depends on how the adoption was handled and the circumstances.  

Many of the couples I work with have done a lot of research and talked with adoptees and read books.  I actually don't know any that haven't tried to educate themselves.  

I am so sorry that you feel pain due to your adoption.  I hope that you can work through them.  I just wouldn't want the fear of "adoption loss" to stop any couples that want to adopt.  

As an adoptive mom I would love to hear from you what we as parents should do to deal with this problem in our children should it arise.  I love them very much as I am sure your parents love you.  I hold my babies and I couldn't love them more no matter where they came from.  I would never want them to feel abandoned or left behind because I have never felt that they didn't belong in our family with us.  

I hope you find resolution to the anger you feel about being adopted.  I am looking forward to your answer about what you think would have helped you as a child to be more prepared for this.

Answer 12

We have to take 8 weeks of classes and work books to help our child(ren) cope with the loss of their bio family. There are hundreds of children's books to help explain foster care / adoption. Every AP I know makes a real effort to educate not only themselves but their children as well.

Personally I don't know what you've been through with your AP's so I will keep all snide comments to myself but as a AP I am so saddened by the hatred and animosity toward AP's on this site.

Answer 13

Excuse me but am I the same as you? Are all adoptees the same?? I think not. I am an adoptee, and I have never in my life felt any kind of loss!!

Why are you assuming that every adoptee feels like that?

I happen to chrish my kids more than I do with my adoption. I am an adult and have learned to accept the fact I am adopted. Some people just cant move on. I am sorry that You feel a "loss", just dont expect every adoptee to feel the same. We all cope in our own ways.

EDIT. i am sorry but to the person above......since when do parents need to educate themselves? Its a natural instinct and common sense to be a parent! Even an adoptive parent! Its trial and error. COMMON SENSE

OK OK spit the adoptee dummy out and go on a sympathy hunt then. It doesnt matter what you say on this site, your damned if you do and your damned if you dont!!  You want opinions???? You want answers???? Just take the answers thats comeing then!!

Answer 14

Yes, those who have to adopt have to PROVE themselves worthy of parenting - whereas those who can conceive have no such requirement. We are analyzed, reviewed, psychologically evaluated before we are given the opportunity to parent...too bad not all parents were. There would be less kids messed up.

Answer 15

Believe it or not, there is a plan and a purpose for your life.  I would agree with you that this life is not easy, but there is a reason for this experience.  You may realize that you are now prepared to help others who have struggled in similar ways.  Check out romansroad.org.  None of us can be complete without the unconditional love that only God can give.

Answer 16

I not only educated myself but have also written about this topic for other adoptive parents...  

I also know some parents who don't educate themselves on how to talk to their child about s*x...

I have known parents who didn't learn that feeding a baby honey is not wise because they didn't educate themselves about the proper feeding of babies...

There is actually quite a lot of information for adoptive parents about the Adoptees loss, along with a number of other issues....

The VERY first sentence in our Adoption Training Manual is,

"Always remember that every adoption starts with a Loss."