Do current APs 'get' that the adult adoptees mothers' are NOTHING like your children's mothers?

Question

I realize I'm generalizing, but I don't really think some here GET that our mothers (for the most part) were GOOD girls who lived in an era where you had to ask the pharmacist for condoms.,(and were often turned down) and that was the ONLY birth control available!

Maybe your kids' mothers truly HAD choices--but mine did not. Far from deciding where to buy her meth from, my mother was deciding to wear her pearls with her pink or yellow Shetland sweater on Saturday night.

I find it comical that some of you assume that our mothers had the options of women in this era.

Have any of you read "The Girls Who Went Away"? If so, did you find it shocking?

Answer 1

Hi Sunny,

Yes i did read "The Girls Who Went Away".  I did find it shocking and the book helped to explain a lot.  That women were completely shunned if they were pregnant out of wedlock.  Some of the things that were done to these young women such as telling them they would get "over it", removing them from their families, and some women were not even allowed to see their babies at birth.

I had no idea.  These young women were definitely strong armed into giving their children away.  There really were NO options back then.  If you got pregnant you were either forced into marriage or sent to a maternity home.

I'm very thankful the times of changed.  

This book also explained how and why many of the adoption myths were started.

Answer 2

Many realize it but obviously don't care because they are doing the same c**p to mothers in the same position that are from 3rd world country's. They legally need to get their husbands or parents permission but can't because it goes against religion that praises adoption. What a vicious cycle.

Answer 3

My mom was one of the girls from that era. She was actually pretty lucky. When she came home from her freshman year in college, she was pregnant.  My grandparents gave her no choice - they sent her to live with her cousin across the country, where she was told she was going to relinquish.  She got a job, enrolled in a hospital-sponsored medicaid type program and arranged for a private adoption - friends of the cousin she was living with.  

Unlike most of the other girls in her situation, she was offered a different choice. The mother of the cousin's husband offered her a place to live, to financially support her and the baby, while also sending her to college.  My mom still chose to give her son up.

I still wonder, though - how much of it was an actual choice, and how much of it was pressure from her parents, society, her cousin.  I don't think that people who haven't read anything, or know someone who went through it - really understand the societal pressures, the lack of any other options, the complete abandonment and refusal of any type of help or support, hearing the message over and over that they weren't worthy of raising their child.  No availability of birth control, no abortion. For my mom, it was an acquaintance rape - she didn't even know that it was rape until years later - no one acknowledged there was such a thing.  Completely different times, with incredibly limited choices.

Answer 4

LOL.. I find this question hilarious

because in my mind.. you adult-BSE era adoptees are the ones who don't "get" that things are different now. You still insist on speaking like adoption is still now a form of baby-stealing, the big, bad, PaPs are "snatching" the baby from their mother, and by-golly, those poor girls MUST be forced, coerced, tricked into signing those papers, just as your mothers were..

Most of us I see birthmothers in BOTH eras—then and now— as (usually) being good people in tough situations. I feel bad that the BSE era happened, it was wrong..  But YOU guys who insist on insisting that Aps/PAPs are the root of all evil, are the ones single-handedly driving a corrupt industry..  I belive YOU are the ones who don't "Get" that women today choose adopton and are (usually) not forced or coerced as they were back then.

To answer your question (so I cannot be "violated) for not "answering" The answer is yes and no.. I think most of us realize that adoption today is very different than in the BSE era.. But I think we think girls today are the same in many ways (basically good people) although with more options and help/choices  today..

Answer 5

Sunny,

Very well said.  Every situation and adoption is unique, and as people here in Y!A we need to remember that when asking and answering questions.  Generalizations are never good and that's where people get in trouble.

It saddens me that so many adult adoptees were placed for adoption because of the "embarrassment" or "inconvenience" of a pregnancy.

Answer 6

Honestly Sunny, I find you story, to be even more sad than the children whos parents couldn't care for them. I SOOO understand why you would be pissed. If I found out that my mother was wealthy and educated, but gave me up anyway, and nothing to do with not being able to care for me, I'd be hurt more deaply than I could describe.

But you need to understand that OUR childrens' mothers ARE NOT your mother.

Answer 7

While having our foster kids live with us - we fought for and with the natural parents and have sent two children home.  I am still really good friends with one of the mothers and still get to talk to my little man once and a while.  While others we have stopped fighting for and with as it was a lost cause and they relinquished and are now fighting it.

Answer 8

Wouldn't we have to know the age of all the adoptees we are posting to, to know what era their mothers are from?

I have no idea if a poster is 18, or 80.  

Even so, do you really think the mothers of your era are more 'good' than the mothers of today?  Yes, they may have more options today, but that doesn't mean they are explained to them, or honored.  I mean, we are preached this on a daily basis on here, aren't we?

Answer 9

I'm not sure if I understand your question...

I understand that I am probably nothing like my son's natural mother and I am happy about that.

Along with me feeling like I was "meant to be" his adoptive mom, I feel as his other mothers (natural and foster) were meant to be in his life as well.  

He is such an awesome child and his life history is what made him who he is.  

I will thoroughly enjoy seeing what kind of influence his natural mother will be in his life, if he chooses to make contact with her.

Answer 10

Dear Sunny,

I just wanted to add that there are MANY MODERN "GOOD GIRL" First Mothers - we are NOT all drug addicted prostitutes or irresponsible teenagers either.

I totally get your point but wanted to defend those of us who still don't fit the stereotypes - even in the modern world of adoption.

Answer 11

I'd be the first one to stick up for any natural mother. When I think of them ,drugs, poverty, addiction, etc...do not come to my  mind. Never did. So, not everyone buys into that myth.

Answer 12

Oh, absolutely!  Society was cruel to unwed mothers 30-40 years ago (and before).  I'm glad that the social stigma is decreasing.  Single mothers doesn't automatically mean bad mothers!  

I remember reading somewhere that even back in the "good old days" premarital s*x was just about as prevelent as it is today.  

Society punished (and to a lesser extent, still does) simply the people who "got caught", so to speak.  

Haven't read that book yet, but it's on my list.